Hello and welcome to the 77th annual Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel here in Los Angeles. I’m Ricky Gervais. Thank you.

You’ll be pleased to know this is the last time I’m hosting these awards, so I don’t care anymore. I’m joking: I never did. NBC clearly don’t care either – fifth time. I mean, Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars because of some offensive tweets. Hello [pointing at himself].

Lucky for me, the Hollywood foreign press can barely speak English and they have no idea what Twitter is. I got offered this gig by fax. So let’s go out with a bang. Let’s have a laugh at your expense, shall we? Remember, they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no sequel, so remember that. But you all look lovely, all dolled up. You came in your limos. I came here in a limo tonight and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman. It’s her daughter I feel sorry for – that must be the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to her. And her dad was in Wild Hogs.

So lots of big celebrities here tonight. I mean legends, icons. Look at this table alone. Al Pacino. Robert De Niro. Baby Yoda. Oh no, that’s Joe Pesci, sorry. I love you man, don’t have me whacked.

But tonight isn’t just about the people in front of the camera. In this room are some of the most important TV and film executives in the world. People from every background. But they all have one thing in common. They’re all terrified of Ronan Farrow. He’s coming for you. Look, talking of all you perverts. It was a big year for paedophile movies: Surviving R Kelly, Leaving Neverland… The Two Popes.

Many talented people of colour were snubbed in major categories. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about that. The Hollywood foreign press are all very, very racist. So fifth time. We were going to do an in memoriam this year, but when I saw the list of people that died, it wasn’t diverse enough. It was mostly white people and I thought, nah, not on my watch.

Maybe next year, let’s see what happens. No one cares about movies anymore. No one goes to the cinema. No one really watches network TV. Everyone’s watching Netflix. This show should just be me coming out going ‘well done Netflix, you win everything. Goodnight.’ But no, no, we’ve got to drag it out for three hours. You could binge watch the entire first season of After Life instead of watching this show. That’s a show about a man who wants to kill himself because his wife dies of cancer. And it’s still more fun than this. Okay, spoiler alert, season two is on the way. So in the end, he obviously didn’t kill himself – just like Jeffrey Epstein. Shut up. I know he’s your friend, but I don’t care. You had to make your own way here on your own plane didn’t you?

But seriously, most films are awful, lazy remakes and sequels. I’ve heard a rumour that there might be a sequel to Sophie’s Choice. I mean, that would just be Meryl Streep going, ‘Well it’s got to be this one then.’

All the best actors have jumped to Netflix and HBO, and the actors who just do Hollywood movies now do fantasy adventure nonsense. They wear masks and capes and really tight costumes. Their job isn’t acting anymore, it’s going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids. Have we got an award for most ripped junkie? No, no point.

Martin Scorsese, the greatest living director, made the news for his controversial comments about the Marvel franchise. He said they’re not real cinema and they remind him of theme parks. I agree, although I don’t know what he’s doing hanging around theme parks. He’s not big enough to go on the rides. He’s tiny. The Irishman was amazing. It was amazing. Long, but amazing. It wasn’t the only epic movie. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, nearly three hours long. Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere and by the end, his date was too old for him. Even Prince Andrew’s like, ‘Come on Leo mate, you know, you’re nearly 50 son.’

The world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy. He was also in the movie Cats, but no one saw that. And the reviews were shocking. I saw one that said this is the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs. But Dame Judi Dench defended the film, saying it was the role she was born to play because she – I can’t do this next joke. Because she loves nothing better than plonking herself down on the carpet, lifting her leg and licking her arse hole. She’s old school. It’s the last time, who cares.

Apple roared into the TV game with The Morning Show, a superb drama. A superb drama about the importance of dignity and doing the right thing, made by a company that runs sweatshops in China. So, well, you say you’re woke, but the companies you work for. I mean, unbelievable: Apple, Amazon, Disney. If Isis started a streaming service, you’d call your agent, wouldn’t you? So if you do win an award tonight, please don’t use it as a platform to make a political speech. You’re in no position to lecture the public about anything. You know nothing about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg. So if you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent and your God and fuck off.