Flat White

Notes from a street protest

21 September 2019

3:11 PM

21 September 2019

3:11 PM


Emo Coraline look-a-like protesters from expensive Toorak Girls Private with an excellent fine arts program wave protest signs and whine about their ex-boyfriends and how they aren’t sensitive enough to not follow the AFL.


The protest Coralines are looking enviously at the blonde-haired Scandinavian Gretas in the hiked up school uniforms that keep getting all the attention from TV crews wanting to film them as they walk in a straight line with flowers in their hair arm-in-arm singing ‘save the world’ Manson Family style.

One of them wants to shave all her hair and carve a Swastika into her forehead though this may affect later ambitions of marrying someone rich from Melbourne Grammar and hosting Thermomix parties when she turns 40.

Pill testing

Somebody wants to know where the safe injecting room is so I direct them to the ABC journalist.

Actual quote

I’m all for a fully rounded humanities university education because it means that even if I end up not making very much money or become a teacher I can still tell people to fuck off on Twitter.’

Street performer

A 13-year old environmental activist dressed as a chunk of black coal is mistakenly accused of doing blackface but he cleverly diverts by explaining its a tribute to Justin Trudeau, Canadian Prime Minister and professional virtue-signalling hypocrite.

Angry scenes

One of the Coralines has called one of the Gretas a bitch because she stole her boyfriend one day on the Glen Waverley line after piano class.

Bitch fight erupts and everyone has formed a circle and are backing the Coraline to win as she has nothing left to lose even though the Greta looks more toned due to her personal trainer.

A massive crowd

They’re saying there might be 100,000 people here or maybe 50,000 or 20. Who knows? Nobody is really sure because they don’t teach basic counting skills at school anymore. We ask one of the teachers but it proves awkward and they change the subject to gender transitioning.

Child molesters

A bitter 60-year old trade union hack is explaining through a bullhorn to a very advanced-for-her-age three-year old that it is all the grown-ups fault and the world is going to end and she will most probably be dead in three years if she doesn’t hold her Climate Emergency sign up properly.

The three-year old will eventually be 20, take pills for her anxiety, and write a book about interior decorating and the use of throw cushions that The Age Daily Life will describe as ‘brave’.

Teenager on television

A schoolgirl excitedly explains to camera this is, literally, the greatest day of her life. Like literally, ever. Unless she gets into her first preference drama course at the Victorian College of Arts, does ten years on Home and Away and then literally wins an Oscar at which point she will make exactly the same speech about saving the environment but also mention her agent. Literally.

Verbal abuse

The other Greta has just accused the other Coraline of wearing too much black eye makeup and wants to punch her fucking lights out. It’s a classic private-public face-off but without the escalating fees and pony riding tuition.


Someone sets fire to the Scott Morrison effigy that the Under 16 boys rugby team from the progressive special needs college in Elsternwick brought along but a Melbourne City Council worker says they have to put it out as it contravenes the new anti-smoking regulations which means it is already half-burned and ScoMo is now blackface.

This is another reason why the Morrison government is racist.

Class warfare

The cool kids are the ones who get on television shouting Stop Adani because their dad is a senior executive at Crown and met someone in the Qantas Lounge. The rest of them come from Dandenong and are too scared to chat up the Gretas and invite them to the skate park.


In a victory for common sense, a television crew live crosses to Peter Hitchener so he can interview a baby about carbon credits.

Michael Scammell is a social conscience

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