Flat White

Corporate speak

12 August 2019

4:58 PM

12 August 2019

4:58 PM

ASIC is telling us corporates to employ psychologists to get inside the head of our CEOs and Boards and understand what is really wrong with them.

I recently did their CEO Rorschach inkblot test where you throw-up on your expensive suit after a long industry lunch and say what you think subconsciously it is – two people having sex, a man having sex with himself while writing his TED talk, a certified set of Tiger Woods personally autographed golf clubs or an AFL Grand Final corporate box hosted by Eddie McGuire where you can have sex.

But I’m always wary of office romances especially when you are being breathalysed outside Crown. I recommend that Married at First Sight shrink who clearly couldn’t pick a good love match if it fell over him in the Channel 9 cafeteria and tried to hump his leg like happened to me once at the sales department Christmas party when I was younger and much more easily impressed by anyone with a mobile phone.

In business, it is important that we all become Greta Thunberg. I once worked out in the same gym as Todd Sampson as he was showing Greta how to use free weights while wearing a t-shirt.

As a business leader it is important to do the hard yards so that you can get up at your TED talk and say that you have done the hard yards. Personally I recommend war zones.

Like many of you I say on my LinkedIn that I served as a senior corporate adviser in Iraq as we tried to build a better world for Halliburton or was it Tesla? We figured if we just blew up enough oil wells then we’d all get to an electric car quicker. Can’t the Greens see the bigger picture?

I think belief in your personal integrity is vital if you want to make a lot of money quickly. As a strangely unhappy business executive who has to pay for it, whenever I’m at the front end of the jet I always make sure I think about those less fortunate than me so that I know who I am better than.

People say I shouldn’t fly Qantas. But I don’t mind flying business class with an airline that does business deals with Middle Eastern countries that still have capital punishment for homosexuals. Its just business. Just don’t start me on that awful Israel Folau fellow.

The war on the wealthy continues. The Fin Review says we have officially become a nation of millionaires meaning even more rich people declaring themselves CEOs and getting pissed at the Melbourne Cup while being photographed with a drinks waiter who was runner-up on the Voice.

As a dry drunk and thought leader I am inspired by the great business theorists – Milton Friedman, Alex Maley or even Eddie Van Halen and his seminal track on the duality of human experience and the Blackberry, Hot for Teacher. This is why I’m voting Beto for president.

Like the Chinese government and military bases I look for synergies. My artist friend JT didn’t have a corporate bone in his body but he did have a cheap studio in Commerce House next door to Stott’s Secretarial College. In winter we used a long extension cord to steal electricity from the empty office next door while we drank our beer. We stared with awe across the alleyway as beautiful future Miss Australia contestants balanced books on their head and learnt how to walk in a straight line after snorting coke before going into careers in advertising.

But nothing is ever that simple in business. ASIC are on the phone, I have a TED talk to prepare and I need to go have sex with myself.

Michael Scammell is a business thought leader.

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