Real life
Why must B&B guests give us advice?
‘You could mow all this lawn here and it would look a treat,’ said the arborist, returning from a stroll…
The guest who robbed me of my five-star rating
Bolting down the back hallway, I realised I was running away from the guests. I shut the door marked private…
Hell is a speed awareness course
The builder boyfriend sat nervously in front of my laptop as I logged him in to do his speed awareness…
Must my fish and chips come with a side of geopolitics?
‘Our boys went to Lebanon and trained Hezbollah!’ shouted the drunk Irish lad in the fish and chip shop as…
Speed traps are designed to make you fail
The builder boyfriend returned from a trip to London to inform me he was being done for speeding at 32mph,…
The £486 driving licence con
By changing the address on my driving licence, I was somehow signed up to something that began charging my credit…
My foolproof plan to avoid speeding fines
The online speed awareness course cost £101, or a few pounds less if you didn’t want to book ‘flexible’ so…
The Airbnb guest from hell
‘Is there a secret passageway behind that door?’ said the weirdly difficult Kiwi as she eyed a door marked ‘private’…
Help! I’m turning into Basil Fawlty
Basil Fawlty ended up beating his car with a tree branch after doing B&B for years, and I am very…
Aren’t women wonderful?
The mole specialist was wearing a pink Chanel-looking suit and pink diamanté shoes. By mole specialist, I don’t mean someone…
I’m more convinced than ever that Ian Bailey was innocent
Over coffee in a seafood restaurant in the harbour, I talked with the most notorious accused man in Ireland and,…
Am I making a mountain out of my mole?
Hypochondriacs are never happy because we know that eventually all of us are vindicated. As Spike Milligan said on his…
My hunt for a doctor took a horror movie turn
My American guest went down with a cough he could not shift and, after a week of protesting that he…
There are no Ubers in the wilds of West Cork
My American guest kept telling me he was going to call an Uber and I could not persuade him that…
Why would anyone drive at 30mph on a dual carriageway?
After running all the errands I could to help my parents, a letter from West Midlands Police arrived. They were…
I’m the one who needs a carer now
My father was discharged from hospital with a plastic bag containing 13 boxes of pills and a vague promise that…
Has someone been smuggling drugs in my hay bales?
The hay dealer showed me his latest stock and told me the bright green hay would cost me a staggering…
I won’t let my mother be sent to a care home
My mother was about to be taken to a care home called Willow Trees, and the first thing my instincts…
My parents prefer the NHS to me
The US marine left his long johns down the back of an armchair and the next guest complained that she…
My memorable ride in a Black Hawk
The pilot of the Black Hawk told me I could recline the seat if I wasn’t comfortable. ‘Oh, great!’ I…
My turbulent flight with the hen do crew
‘Oggy oggy oggy!’ shouted the Italian flight attendant over his intercom, and all the hen party ladies on the plane…
Marriage is corny and pointless – but we’re doing it anyway
The one question the priest did not ask me, thank goodness, was why I wanted to get married. That might…
Has the funeral director been sizing up the BB?
The funeral director down the lane is also the local taxi service, which partly explains why I see him drive…
The Irish laugh in the face of EU regulations
Our house was suddenly shrouded in a thick, grey mass of cloud and it felt like a sea fog had…
My run-in with the GP receptionist
‘We don’t have an appointment for you!’ yelled the woman sitting behind the reception hatch. My 87-year-old father stared back…
