There are some political commentators who believe Chris Bowen is the natural successor to Anthony Albanese.
I know … but the speculation exists because polls suggest the Prime Minister’s popularity has slipped off the Titanic into frigid water with no love interest to drag him onto a floating door. Someone has to be next and Labor isn’t exactly drowning in talent.
While Albanese is off enjoying what will probably be his last stretch of overseas junkets, musing about the impact of phone radiation on his (and Bowen’s) d**k, Jim Chalmers is measuring the drapes in The Lodge. At least, that’s what the whispers say.
If a conservative Prime Minister had been overheard discussing the safety of mobile phones, the headlines smeared across handsomely-funded mainstream media would no doubt feature the words ‘cooker’ and ‘conspiracy’.
However, because the Labor Party is a protected political species, the best criticism they could manage was to point out, delicately, the impropriety shown by our elected representatives. These are children in suits with control of our national Treasury.
In any case, if a leadership spill were to take place, it is more likely that all three of them would be turned out of their lofty positions before the next election. The Budget is buggered (that’s on Chalmers). Chalmers buggered the Budget largely because of energy bills (that’s on Bowen). And the polls are buggered because Albo keeps generating awkward gaffes about melons and d**ks.
To put it another way, Pauline Hanson is a more popular future Prime Minister than Anthony Albanese. Imagine if you could go back in time and spring that headline on the Labor Party! In traditional political yardsticks, this represents the End Times.
Sensing their political world is getting a little toasty, Albanese and Bowen are leaning into the Nero imagery, fiddling at COP31 while Labor’s electoral chances burn down in the distance.
The latest example came as a hot mic exchange while sitting on a panel.
Albanese asks Bowen if he is right-handed and then enquires as to which side of his suit jacket he keeps his phone. He then advises Bowen not to keep his phone in the pocket near his heart. ‘Should be … away from your heart. It’s sending messages. Can interfere with the rhythm.’
‘Little bit radioactive…’ Bowen appeared to agree.
‘Makes absolute sense!’
‘I’m more, frankly, speaking personally, I’m more conscious, I’ve stopped putting it in my pants pocket-’
‘-because of your d**k?’ asks Albanese.
‘Yeah. That’s rather important. Arguably more important than the heart.’
It is a conversation that perfectly encapsulates how the pair of them approach the COP conference. They perceive a risk. They might even believe it. And their solution is to move the problem half a foot to the other side. Not to stop engaging with the danger. These are totally unserious people occupying one of the most serious positions possible.
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese and Energy Minister Chris Bowen have been caught in a cheeky exchange during a break at the COP31 climate conference in Türkiye.
Watch the full Late News bulletin: https://t.co/OD1pXIapm6 pic.twitter.com/Ljp6dcVuGD
— 10 News (@10NewsAU) November 13, 2026
As the story made the rounds, I heard a bloke joke that at least it made them both appear more relatable. If this were a Thick of It sketch, there would indeed be a media advisor somewhere in the background coming up with this skit as a way to ‘win back the boys of the Manosphere’. ‘Just talk about your d**ks!’ they might advise.
The truth is … context is everything.
If Labor was running a successful, safe country with a thriving business community, productive youth, and proud national identity then yeah, sure, this sort of banter would be viewed the same way as Bob Hawke’s famous beer-guzzling. That’s the thing with charismatic leaders. If voters like you, eccentricities become assets.
Look at Barnaby Joyce. Left-wing reporters were left speechless when their coverage of him lying on the pavement, propped up against a planter, endeared him to the masses. Every headline they printed boosted his popularity. There was nothing the press could do about it except shut up. Barnaby is a bloke with so much good-will ballast the controversy could not shift him.
In comparison, Albanese and Bowen come off as childish and tiresome because Labor has spent $148 million feathering the COP fiasco. Australians are going broke while political leaders rank the safety of their d**ks and hearts at a conference that claims to be about saving the world from an imminent apocalypse (for the 31st time).
The public are fatigued by their cock-ups and cop-outs.
As for how the $148 million is being spent, most people know more about the $32,000 for ‘free’ coffee to draw people into the Australian pavilion than what that pavilion actually contains.
It might be worth having a look at some of the headlines. These include:
Australia and Asia-Pacific Leadership on Green Shipping (decarbonisation).
Ancient Wisdom, Global Impact: Scaling Indigenous Climate Solutions.
Australia-Denmark MoU signing.
Australia’s approach to First Nations leadership, traditional knowledge, and sustainable agriculture, fisheries, and forestry.
Australia’s Indigenous carbon industry supporting a just transition.
A mining energy exchange on delinking emissions from extraction.
From Pledge to Paddock: Delivering the COP30 Action Agenda on Landscape Restoration and Regenerative Agriculture.
SuSteel – From Ore to Opportunity: Building Green Iron and Steel Corridors between Australia and Europe.
Implementing the Belém Gender Action Plan: Accelerating Progress in the Age of Climate Crisis. (The future of climate action must be gender-responsive.)
Australia’s Green Grid Opportunity: Lessons from the Pilbara (Andrew Forrest, Fortescue).
Financing the transition economy: How green banks can unlock private capital at scale.
Fireside chat with Hon Malcolm Turnbull AC: Why pumped storage, why now?
The Renewable Energy Pilot: How global capital has funded Australia’s transition to 50 per cent, and how it can finance 100 per cent and beyond.
Forging the Future: Scaling Green Iron and Steel in a Decarbonising World.
Floodlines: A Live Climate Misinformation Simulation.
What We Carry, What We Owe.
Information Integrity in Action: Building Trust for Climate Solutions.
From COP31 to COP32: Sustaining Momentum on Climate Finance.
It sounds expensive. It sounds like $148 million is going to be a drop in the ocean for taxpayers. It sounds like the Labor Party have absolutely no intention of to listening to public feedback on excessive climate spending. It sounds like Bowen thinks his Climate Change and Energy Department has a no-limits credit card for all things green. It sounds like ChatGPT coughed-up climate buzzwords after someone subjected the AI to a liberal arts course against its will.
The narrative Australia presents at COP31 is that this is ‘just the beginning’. At home, Australians are telling the Albanese government ‘we can’t take any more’.
COP has become (or perhaps it always was) a dystopian feeding frenzy where interested parties come to secure their next year of employment. Shake the right hands. Come up with ideas that politicians think they can sell on a campaign banner. All of it wrapped up with the trappings of travel, accommodation, and free coffee.
I want to see what would happen at the next election if Labor was forced to list all of its COP-related promises on the how-to-vote card with the price tag printed next to them.
Come on, Bowen, grow some balls and tell us the final cost…
Alexandra Marshall is an independent writer. If you would like to support her work, shout her a coffee over at donor-box.
