Sure enough, there was an intensely bright light. I was overcome with a floating sensation and rapidly came to the conclusion that I had carked it. Instead of panic, I felt very comfortable and at peace in my new space.

Disappointing in a way, though, as I had agreed with my closest friends that the best way to expire was to be shot by a jealous husband at 107 years of age.

The wide, steep staircase was just ahead, and with no effort at all, I sprang up them two at a time and met an old guy in a reception area that I assumed was Saint Peter.

‘Nice to see you, Pete!’ I happily said.

‘Nice to see you, Stuart. You’re a bit earlier than planned. It’s only 2028. Should’ve gone to Specsavers, since you kept consuming Smarties instead of your blood thinners. Anyway, you’re allowed a conversation with the big boss, if you want, before checking onto your boat.’

‘You mean God, el supremo? That would be great, thanks! And a boat? Wow! If only those atheists knew…’

‘Don’t get too excited, it’s only a monohull, but comfy enough. Anyway, God’s just around the corner to the right and He’s expecting you.’

Rounding the corner, I entered a comfortable lounge room with an assortment of photos of boats on the walls and three large comfortable chairs set around a polished timber coffee table. There was a mature, elegant woman sitting in the chair to the right. I started to look around for a minute and said to the woman that I was due to meet God.

‘That’s me in the very person,’ she said in a Scottish accent. My jaw dropped. I stuttered and finally blurted out, ‘Very nice to meet you, but you’re a little different to what I imagined. For a start, you’re much younger looking and I thought you would have a thick Jewish accent.’

‘And be a man, perhaps?’ she laughed. ‘That always shocks you Christians who’ve watched too many Hollywood movies about Biblical times.’

Without warning, she transformed into an old man with a beard and started to speak in a heavy Jewish accent, ‘I like to have a bit of fun too! Okay, tell me, how was your life?’

‘Thank you, thank you, thank you… It was great, but it went too fast! Can I ask some questions, please?’

He nodded His approval. ‘Yes, but you only get one question!’

‘Okay, I need to ask about fools. I know you must like them, because you made so many of them. As you know, I lived in a place called Australia and the government and bureaucracies there were jam-packed with fools. The level of stupidity seemed a prerequisite for promotion, and right at the top was the dopey Prime Minister Albanese, a pretend Catholic, I might add, but he was such a terrible fibber and convinced more fools that he was doing a great job. Perhaps he was sneaking to Confession nightly under the cover of darkness, seeking forgiveness, but he was relentless in promising ‘free stuff’.

‘Unbelievably, after spending all the taxpayers’ money on crazy stuff like renewables, sex changes, and absolutely nothing on defence, he was re-elected with a majority in 2025. So, for the rest of that year, he happily pranced around the planet cosying up to geopolitical enemies and irritating friends, while his Treasurer financially attacked anyone of any worth. Tens of thousands of businesses closed, and many families left the country.

‘It got worse in 2026 when the majority of the remaining population became eligible for NDIS and handicapped parking grew to 85 per cent of all spots. Defence spending fell to 0.25 per cent of GDP and was limited to artificial insemination programs for the whole crocodile population in the North.

‘Coffee soared to over $25 a cup as all small businesses were compulsorily unionised and electricity was only available twice a day for three hours. Bureaucrat numbers increased to five million, mostly working from home, with huge salary increases to combat the cost of the coffee crisis. Between the NDIS and bureaucrats, there were only 300,000 people actually working, and the dollar became worthless. Mining stopped, exports faltered, and the country went absolutely stone broke.

‘2027 was worse when more than three million Palestinians were imported as indentured labour but had no intention of working, just preferring to protest. As their visas were conditional on voting for Albanese’s ALP, the 2028 election was a shoo-in.

‘However, one weekend in December 2027, the Chinese Ambassador to Australia declared that they had uncovered an ancient document confirming that Admiral Zheng’s Ming Dynasty expedition had actually discovered and claimed Australia back in 1433! Within one hour of the Ambassador’s declaration, Chinese nuclear submarines surfaced in each of our six major ports and took control on a Saturday morning. The Chinese then not only renamed the whole country, but all the major cities.

‘Albanese, Wong, Burke, and Bowen, aka the useful idiots, were recognised as fools seasoned in betrayal, and were immediately removed to become work experience trainees to the Uyghurs in China.

‘So that’s my question, why so many fools?’

‘Good question…’ God responded, smiling. ‘The thing is that I give each person a unique face, unique voice, unique fingerprints, and a unique talent which they have to find. But as they grow, their brains are avalanched with all sorts of information, swaying them back and forth. Like you, I find it unbelievable that so many don’t believe I’m real and so many more don’t like boats!’ He shook His head, but still kept smiling, and continued, ‘Then there’s the Devil who used to be family and a mate of mine until he thought he could run things better than me. He’s a mean piece of work who likes to kill, steal, and destroy, so he gets inside the heads of people via drugs, alcohol, or whatever and makes an average fool become a spectacular fool. It’s all about choices, really,’ He said.

Being perpetually happy, I was thinking of lifting the tone and discussing designs with Him and I blurted out, ‘Here’s a thought! As we are both designers and you probably don’t ever get any peer reviews, are you ok with a design suggestion?’

‘Okay…’ He agreed

‘As you know, everything and that I design ships, we have freefall lifeboats that are used just once, effectively letting the crew escape. Well, because sexual attraction causes so many problems of infidelity, offence, marriage breakups, porno, disputes, even wars etc., maybe if you changed the design so that a once there was a successful impregnation and conception, the penis just drops off like a freefall lifeboat! I mean, it’s done its job and it’s no use hanging around just trying to impregnate other targets that lead to endless mischief and eventually trouble.’

He laughed heartily, so did I, so loudly that I spun around and found myself wakening from a vivid and bizarre dream, back in my old yacht, and it was still 2025, Team Albo, still here, deliberately and maliciously destroying the spirit and prosperity of every Australian family with idiotic ideology, brought me back to reality.

However, the prospect of their likely demise under Chinese invaders brought a big smile to my sleepy face.