If history teaches us anything, it’s really not a good idea to go on an underwater adventure in a billion-dollar submersible. But with Jason Statham at the helm, kicking a sharks in the face, you know you’re on to something special. Unfortunately, like the doomed Titanic, this sequel sinks in much the same way.

It gives me no pleasure to announce that Ben Wheatley’s Meg 2: The Trench is complete garbage. Adapted from Steve Alten’s 1999 novel The Trench by writers Dean Georgaris, and Jon and Erich Hoeber, the film tells the usual story of hordes of terrifying creatures who share the same desire to devour humans. Megalodon movies are few and far between, but Meg 2 feels like something I’ve seen a thousand times, usually as a late-night movie on the sci-fi channel.

Statham returns to reprise his role as Jonas Taylor, a deep-sea diver turned shark puncher. What has he been up to since we last met? The writers don’t provide any real context. In the first few minutes, we get to see that he’s spent his time-fighting climate change as a social justice activist. A lengthy scene is then shown in which we find out he’s working at research centre MANA-1, where a team of scientists are studying the Mariana Trench. They also have a Meg in captivity. I don’t know why.

However, we learn that this tough guy has a sensitive side. In the sequel, Taylor’s love interest, Su-Ying Zhang, has been canned, leaving our hero alone to raise their teenage daughter, Mei-Ying (Sophia Cai). What we want to see is Statham kicking monster asses, not taking his daughter to the high school prom. It’s almost as if the producers are targeting a new demographic.

In her place, Wu-Jing was hired to play Taylor’s counterpart, Su-Ying’s older brother, and Mei-Ying’s uncle, Jiu-ming Zhang. MANA-1 was bequeathed to him with financial support from businessman Hilary Driscoli.

A comprehensive overview of the plot cannot be given because, well, there isn’t one. It’s like a movie with three separate acts. After a great introduction, nothing happens for the first 45 minutes. In part two, we discover a nefarious business rival seeking to steal their work, funded by the evil and double-crossing Driscoli. During one of their regular expeditions to the trench, Jonas discovers an illegal mining operation run by a mercenary named Montes, who hates Taylor for imprisoning him or something. It turns out Dricsoli hired him to mine the trench’s mineral resources. When Taylor uncovers the plot, Montes sets off an explosion to kill his crew and cover up his work, tearing apart the trench and allowing bloodthirsty creatures to escape. Recall that this takes up two-thirds of the movie. It leaves very little time to do what we’re all waiting for: epic monster battles

When we finally get to the mayhem, it’s more Disney than Deodato. It’s PG-13, with little to no blood and the CGI makes the violence look pretty tame. The scene where a giant octopus wreaks havoc on an island populated by Instagram idiots was funny, but they were dispatched in an equally family-friendly fashion. This is a radical departure from the man who directed Kill List, one of the most brutal and haunting psychological horror movies in British cinema history.

Some of the decisions made in this movie are so stupid that they make Napoleon’s march on Russia seem like a good idea. Mei-Ying decides to hide on the ship as a stowaway while Taylor’s crew descends into the deep. But no! The submersible has been sabotaged! What are they going to do? They use exosuits (also known as plot armour) to walk on the ocean floor. Oh, and Statham can withstand water pressure and manage to breathe in his pants unaided at depths of 25,000 metres. I guess you lose realism when you’re fighting 100-foot-tall cephalopods.

In keeping with the Titanic theme, the film is heavily based on James Cameron’s Aliens, (Cameron created both films). Using a proximity sensor was a nice homage. But Cameron’s movie was a classic when it came to building suspense. This one? Not so. In fact, the whole movie lacks tension. It’s a simple scenario about getting to the right place fast or dying. The editing is terrible. I don’t know how Montes survives the massive explosion at the bottom of the trench and magically appears on Fun Island to confront Taylor. I’m guessing time travel?

What’s interesting is that it mainly focuses on Chinese actors. Much of the dialogue in Meg 2 is spoken in Chinese. The Western trailer stars Statham, but his co-star Wu-Jung is a hugely popular Chinese actor and director. Jing directed the multi-billion-dollar movie Wolf Warrior 2 which few people outside of China have seen. Warner Bros has provided one lead for the West and one for the East. It’s as if Jing was added to appeal to the Chinese market.

Meg 2 The Trench suffers from the old ‘too much setup, not enough payoff’ syndrome. It feels like an editing room intern rushed to piece together three acts and show them to executives, who then rubbed their hands together and proudly proclaimed, ‘This is what they want!’ But it’s not. Fans love silly and dumb action movies, but they also like violent and story-driven ones. From a narrative standpoint, corporate espionage was a cliché in the 1960s.

This is a B-movie made for the Chinese market on a Hollywood budget. Poorly edited and lacking, well everything, Meg 2 The Trench lacks bite. It’s fun for a few minutes, but overall, it’s better to stand in the rain for two hours by a cold lake for enjoyment.