Drongo alert: this piece may contain traces of satire. None of the quotes are accurate and, if they are, they’ve been included by mistake.

Melbourne has been voted the world’s Most Lockdownable City.

The prestigious award was presented last night at a gala ceremony hosted by Chinese President Xi Jinping who praised his Victorian comrades for separating families, closing churches and devastating industry. 

“We are in awe at what you have done to your people,” he said.

“And when you look at what we have done to the Uighurs, you’ll understand that is high praise from us indeed.”

Victoria Chairman Daniel Andrews accepted the award on...