Flat White

Fifteen reasons why Santa is a Communist

24 December 2020

4:01 PM

24 December 2020

4:01 PM

It’s that time of the year again to wish readers a very Merry Christmas — whatever circumstances you find yourself in — and a New Year which won’t be the dumpster fire otherwise known 2020. We can but hope.

It’s also time to remind you all that while there is a Reason For The Season, Santa most certainly is not it. In fact, beware of Santa. He is a communist. Don’t believe me? Here’s the evidence:

1. He’s an old Caucasian male with a beard – just like Frederich Engels, Karl Marx, Lenin, Fidel Castro, Jeremy Corbyn – or Bernie Sanders, if he had any testosterone.

2. He’s jolly. So was Stalin, when he wanted to, which is why Churchill and FDR called him the jovial Uncle Joe.

3. The original Santa was a bishop in what is present-day Turkey; Stalin was a seminarian in the neighbouring Caucasus.

4. He is associated with the colour red.

5. He lives on the North Pole, which is what people who don’t know much about geography call any remote, snow-covered place, such as Siberia.

6. He oversees a workshop where elves manufacture toys, which is a nice euphemism for a sub-Arctic gulag work camp, where political prisoners and other “enemies of the state” are forced to labour in slave-like conditions (not unlike prisoners in China making charity Christmas cards for the British market).

7. In folklore, people who become entangled with the elves disappear, and their loved ones don’t know if they are alive or dead, unless and until they suddenly and without warning come back home 10 or 20 years later, often unrecognisable. Again, not unlike political prisoners.

8. Santa knows whether you’ve been good or bad, but have you ever asked yourself how the old fellow does it? This is all too reminiscent of the mass surveillance combined with a “social credit score“, as practised by (again) the Chinese communist government. Also, when the secret Santa archives finally become open one day in the future, you will discover that your family and friends have been snitching on you. Santa and Stasi – five letters, three of them in common. Coincidence? I think not.

9. If you have been naughty, Santa gives you coal, which is similar to what used to happen in the old Soviet Union, where if you were naughty you were sent away to dig out coal.

10. He travels around the world to deliver all the presents in the space of only 24 hours. Sure, we’ve heard those sorts of boasts before: the Stakhanovite Santa has fulfilled the production quota by 450%. If Santa was in charge of agriculture, he would produce a record wheat harvest too, no doubt.

11. He arrives at night and without knocking – just like the NKVD/KGB used to.

12. The reindeers’ name are clearly codes for Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles.

13. His famous laughter – “Ho Ho Ho” – is actually, if you gave him time to finish, the beginning of the old Vietnam War-era chant “Ho Ho Ho Chi Minh, Ho Chi Minh Is Gonna Win!”

14. He doesn’t actually exist – just like “real socialism”. Like Marxism, Santa sounds great in theory but makes no sense once you actually look at the detail and is impossible to implement in practice.

15. And, while you think you are getting stuff for free in your stocking or under the tree, in reality, it’s always somebody else – parents, the rich – who are actually paying for it.

Keep your children away from him, block your chimney, and put mouse traps inside the stockings.

Arthur Chrenkoff blogs at The Daily Chrenk, where a version of this piece also appears.

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