Shocking Chinese whispers came out yesterday that Vladimir Putin – supreme leader of Russia’s ‘totally not a dictatorship’ dictatorship – is poised to step down from his lifetime role as president. The surprise confused twitter, which treated it as #FakeNews for most of the afternoon when there simply wasn’t enough emotional bandwidth available with the US election dragging into its third day.
There are fears the 68-year-old ruler really does have Parkinson’s disease, after conspiracy theories about his health circled public appearances. The deep state views weakness with the same lust as a shadow beneath a man who has cut his arm off with a fishing hook in the middle of the Pacific. Sensibly, the women in Putin’s life are nudging him toward early retirement.
“He [Putin] intends to make public his handover plans in January,” Moscow’s Professor Valery Solovei told The Sun earlier.
The world will remember Putin for his shirtless horseback photo-ops, gentle annexing of neighbours, and terrific luck when it comes to political dissenters spontaneously developing terminal poisoning.
Being an ‘ex-President for Life’ is sort of a legal grey area, so before anyone moves the chess pieces around, legislation is being rushed through to make Putin ‘Senator for Life’ in order to secure immunity from criminal prosecution; a sensible precaution to protect against any pesky skeletons that might surface once the new ruler takes charge.
There is no word yet from Australia as to whether or not Daniel Andrews is exploring a similar exit strategy.
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