Which drugs should Biden take? 

29 September 2020

6:04 PM

29 September 2020

6:04 PM

With the first presidential debate now just hours away, President Trump continues to insist that Joe Biden take a drug test. Trump’s none-too-subtle insinuation is that the former vice-president is so mentally frail that he cannot hope to match the vaulting intellect of the 45th President of the United States on the debate stage. It’s a peculiar form of Trumpian baiting — something the President has probably learned from the world of Mixed Martial Arts — or perhaps the product of a guilty conscience. Trump himself famously sniffed his way through his first debate with Hillary Clinton four years ago, and there’s been plenty of speculation over the years that the President consumes medicinal substances to combat some form of attention-deficit disorder.

Cockburn won’t weigh in on the specifics. But if Biden were to use drugs for tonight’s performance, which ones should he take? Because make no mistake, Biden should absolutely be taking drugs prior to Tuesday’s debate. Pro athletes all take performance enhancing drugs, after all, and winning a presidential election is at least as important as hitting forty home runs or making the Pro Bowl, or something.

Fortunately, Cockburn is a writer, which means he has countless friends who are perpetually in one sort of drug-induced haze or another. They quickly supplied suggestions.

1. Aricept

Aricept is used to enhance mental acuity in patients suffering from Alzheimer’s or vascular dementia. That will certainly be handy for keeping Biden from drooling on the podium. However, Aricept also has the side effect of increasing libido, and has been found to correlate with inappropriate sexual behaviors in those who take it.

(insert some pic of Biden creeping on somebody, maybe this one:

…Actually, Biden may have been taking this drug for a long time.

2. Fentanyl

This may seem like an odd choice. Fentanyl causes mood swings, irritation and heart failure — and the last thing Joe Biden needs is to fall asleep on stage. It would be an interesting statement in favour of globalisation, however, since most Fentanyl is synthesised by our friends in China. And what better way for Biden to exhibit his legendary ‘empathy’ than by showing America’s opioid addicts that he knows what it’s like?

3. Ecstasy

Arriving Tuesday night amped on MDMA would offer a host of benefits to Biden. Besides keeping him cheerful and upbeat for the cameras, if Biden is caught, he can easily pivot in a positive direction: By taking a party drug, he will disavow one of his tough-on-crime achievements, the 2003 RAVE Act. Cockburn doesn’t understand how contributing to the dramatic collapse of crime rates nationwide is a bad thing, but in 2020 everybody is convinced that it is. Biden debating while hopped upon Molly would go a long way toward showing his remorse. ‘Loved-up’, Biden would also show a winning spirit of magnanimity towards Donald Trump, which might help sway independents.

Finally, for years Biden was known as the “senator from MBNA” due to his pro-credit card activism in Congress. If he rebrands as the Senator on MDMA, at the least everyone will be really confused.

4. Steroids

It’s not well-known, but then-Senator Biden also played a key role in banning the recreational use of anabolic steroids. It’s time for Biden’s position to evolve. Putting on 10-20 pounds of lean muscle mass will alleviate concerns about Biden looking old and frail, while also providing a leg up if he and Trump decide to settle their differences through personal combat instead of rhetoric.

5. Adrenochrome

Hunter S. Thompson’s favorite would provide a mountain of psychological benefits to Biden. By inducing thought disorder and derealization, Biden will cease to believe physical reality. That in turn will produce exciting policy insights and a blunted affect that voters will mistake for sangfroid. Even better, though, adrenochrome will be easy to get. While previously obtainable only at the finest pizza arcades, today almost unlimited amounts of the drug are harvested in human sacrifice rituals held by Satan-worshipping pedophiles like Hillary Clinton — or so Cockburn is told. Biden will be able to get more than enough of the drug to power him through all three of the debates, and thanks to the drug’s youth-preservation qualities, he’ll be able to serve a full eight (or 12 — or 200) years as president.

6. Bath salts

Bath salts wouldn’t do much for Biden’s debate coherence. They may, however, trigger a psychotic break that would cause him to assault Trump on stage and try to eat him. This would demonstrate Biden’s vigor and determination to lead the country, and if he does in fact consume Trump, Mike Pence would likely prove a far less formidable adversary.

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