Features Australia Thawley Prize

A change of wind

The 2017 Spectator Australia Thawley Essay Prize runner-up

18 August 2018

9:00 AM

18 August 2018

9:00 AM

Annual Meeting of the Climate Change Party

People of any sex or neither, let us begin by acknowledging the traditional owners of the land, and give special thanks for the carbon-approved smoking ceremony. Thank you all for coming to this somewhat sombre party meeting.

For us, for the country and the world as a whole this election has been a disaster. Yet the time for our suffering and hurt is over. The time has come for us to face some hard truths. The time has come for us to find a focus for our anger and our rage.

So to begin, how did we lose government? What was the issue on which we failed to sufficiently instruct the public. There is no answer needed here. You and I know the blinding, the screamingly obvious answer to this. One simply needs to consider the ridiculous name of the party which has been made into government. The name of the party with no tradition of leadership and nothing other than a swell of popularism behind it clearly defines the issue. This single issue which we all know. The issue of course, as it always has been, is climate change.

Some of us blame the media with their biased reporting. This is no doubt the case for despite the greatest diligence of its staff there were occasions when the expanded Human Rights Commission were not able to prosecute all acts of climate change denialism hate speech. We regret this and can only make it our highest priority to reinstate and redouble the capacity of this vital service when, not if, we return to power. Reinstate, I unfortunately need to add, as it is currently being dismantled despite the billions that were poured into expanding it.

Some of us might blame education. Yet for generations all of our students have been compulsorily trained to accept the inevitability of climate change, and the necessity of immediate action and sacrifices required to prevent the climatic apocalypse. We have tried to train and guide them to the correct form of collective thought through many years of educational reforms. Again we can only increase our efforts and when we return to power we vow to make climate change an even more central component of our education from primary school through secondary and tertiary education in all subjects.


Some say older members of the public remember times when we appeared to say something different and are disseminating an uneducated interpretation of the complexities of climate change.

The unfortunate fact is that all these causes are true. All of them and more were stacked against us. But I say there is an even bigger problem. I say the ultimate blame for our failure to maintain our power is the population at large. Ultimately we must blame them. We must blame them for their inability to understand. They are not responsible for their thoughts. They do not have the capacity to understand the complexities of climatic resonance, where carbon pollution induced global warming has triggered the climatic feedback insatiability, which is causing the current global cooling. No. They do not understand. And our opponents, the Fossil Fuel Party go immorally exploiting this ignorance. This Fossil Fuel Party, which once said that we were wrong about global warming, yet now they say we are wrong about global cooling too! [laughter ]

Well how could we be wrong about both! [laughter and applause] Especially when ninety-seven per cent of scientists now agree in the approaching anthropogenic ice age. Yet when the people of this new government say that science does not need consensus, and that science is being politicised, we can tell them that without diversity and consensus of sexual orientation, ethnicity and gender expression, science is politically biased. [more applause]

When they suggest Galileo needed no consensus, I ask them: was he perchance a White Male? [more applause]

As they promised, and as would be expected, this government of the Fossil Fuel Party has flagrantly dismissed the newly reinforced International Governmental Panel on Climate Change directives that all open cut coal mines in Australia should be ignited immediately to ensure safe levels of carbon can be obtained in the atmosphere to prevent the otherwise inevitable cooling. Yet in a nonsensical turn-around this new government has actually canceled legislation for feed in tariffs, carbon credits and preferential power purchases, despite the fact that the carbon outcome of these efforts is  not actually discernible and that changing these rules will only make the large green workforce that is dependent upon them redundant.

These shortsighted choices are driving our nation into becoming a global pariah. The whole world is acting and we risk being left out of the potential of this new and vibrantly growing economy. Thus while our workers remain idle the European Union has employed thousands and has already burnt eight per cent of their fossil fuel reserves and is beginning to reduce forest size.

Germany has approached this most keenly and is clearing the Black Forest carbon sink at a rate of two hundred hectares a day. The US Congress is still to ratify igniting the coal fields of the Midwest but California is bravely moving alone and is piping natural gas from Mexico and Canada to ignite a giant bunsen burner in the Mojave Desert. The developing world meanwhile is awaiting payments to implement the realigning of their countries’ economies before it can commence similar fossil fuel ignitions. Understandably China and its vassal states cannot ignite their coal reserves immediately due to issues of economic development but have agreed to commence large-scale burning of all fossil fuels reserves in the year 2300.

A terrible disaster is looming and human-induced climatic feedback instability threatens to destroy this planet. The rest of the world is acting as best it is able yet the people of this country have proven unable to distinguish wrong from correct and fallen under the sway of intentionally ignorant populists. Only we can change this and change it we must. We must link our struggle with the dispossessed, the repressed and the victims of discrimination everywhere, and this way return to power. We must do this for the sake of the world and all the lifeforms of it. We must regain power so that we can ignite all available fossil fuels and prevent the catastrophic Ice Age that will otherwise wipe out all life on earth within the decade.

Thank you

[Applause]

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