Competition

Presidential patter

3 February 2018

9:00 AM

3 February 2018

9:00 AM

In Competition No. 3033 you were invited to take as your first line ‘I am the very model of a Very Stable Genius’ and continue for up to a further 15.
 
It seemed about time for a challenge to mark Trump’s first year in office, and what better as a springboard than the Donald’s own words. Long lines mean fewer entries, which is a shame because the standard was terrific. Honourable mentions go to Carolyn Beckingham, John Beaton, Brian Murdoch and Ann Alexander. The winners take £25.

I am the very model of a Very Stable Genius.
To castigate my temperament is nasty, fake and hee-nius.
There’s Lincoln and there’s Washington and other famous presidents
Whom I would say I’m smarter than without a moment’s hesitance.
 
I listen to my gut when it gives very fine advice to me.
I make up clever names to pin on fools who are not nice to me.
I only need to bark to drive my catty critics up a tree.
I’m not the star of any show that features Putin’s puppetry.
 
I understand there is a probe, and Mueller is conducting it,
and fake news outlets like to lie and say I am obstructing it,
but don’t they also say I am afflicted by senility?
And wouldn’t that suggest that I am lacking culpability?
 
I wish to be an emperor who sits atop a monarchy
But first I need to tear things down and throw things into anarchy.
Some say that I’m Hitlerian, or maybe Mussolini-ous,
but no, I’m Trump, the model of a Very Stable Genius.
Robert Schechter
 
I am the very model of a Very Stable Genius;
My IQ score is 8.5, a number quite Fellinious;
My health is great, don’t drink or smoke, I’m totally abstenious;
I like my coffee hot and sweet and frothy, cappucineous.
 
That’s how I like my women too, for preference bikinious —
It’s easier to grab the parts considered erogeneous.
Who says that grabbing women by the pussy is demeanious?
They love it, and implore ‘Me too!’, those beauties so Atheneous.
 
I’m built like Pavarotti, just as pasta-filled, linguineous;
I could have been an opera star, my voice is so Puccinious.
I write great poetry; my fans declare I’m ‘Seamus Heaney-ous’,
And one of them described my rhymes as ‘wickedly ingenious’.
 
As President, I’ll make our country white and homogeneous;
No immigrants will be allowed from countries deemed latrineous.
Politically, I’m savvy, and if Mueller gets subpoenious,
My skill at wriggling out of tricky spots is quite Houdinious.
Sylvia Smith 
 
I am the very model of a Very Stable Genius,
I’m very good at spelling and I’ve got a giant penius;
I’m smart in running businesses, a TV personality,
Despising everyone who doesn’t share my nationality;
I’d bigger crowds than anyone when they inaugurated me,
It’s just sad losers with fake news who’ve actually hated me;
I’ve kept out evil Mexicans (no hint of white supremacy!),
I’ve snubbed that Muslim Khan over our off-location embassy;
In bed by half-past six to help my cognitive ability,
I’ve whupped Korean fatties with my nuclear capability;
I know the shithole countries that I hugely like to pillory,
I tell the world through tweeting all the crimes of crooked Hillary;
I’ve single-handedly restored American ascendancy,
Assisted by my cheeseburgers and pussy-grabbing tendency.
(Of course, a speechwriter wrote this: by Trump this comp’s not winnable,
Because he finds it difficult to get beyond one syllable.)
Nicholas Hodgson
 
I am the very model of a Very Stable Genius
Some people say I’m not too bright, my policies are hein-eous,
A wolff who’s in sheep’s clothing may have talked of juvenility,
Unheeding of my intellect and cognizant ability.
The medics have examined me, their methods were methodical,
My body’s perfect, and my mind — my genes are quite rhapsodical,
And, by the way, I’m also blessed with massive genitalia,
One day I’ll line the voters up and show them my regalia.
 
My critics who have censured me for blatant promiscuity
Are jealous of my intellect and sexual ingenuity,
I like a bit of pussy, don’t accuse me of vulgarity,
It means I have the common touch, ensures my popularity.
 
On immigration I’ve a plan: I’m such a clever President
I keep the foreign bastards out, check every dark skinned resident.
And North Korea? Rocket Man resides in that vicinity,
Just watch me press the button as I blow him to infinity.
Sylvia Fairley

 

No 3036: on the way out

You are invited to provide a resignation letter in the style of a well-known author (up to 150 words). Email entries to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 14 February, please.

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