Features Australia

Robin and Eric

9 December 2017

9:00 AM

9 December 2017

9:00 AM

Having been in a loving relationship for two months, Robin and Eric were hot to trot and tied the knot on November 16.

Being an old fashioned pair at heart, and with the kitchen teas and anticipatory baby showers over, the day itself was upon them; unhappily  bringing with it some little distress.

Without so much as a word to Eric, Robin had transgendered overnight. He woke Eric with the customary cup of tea and announced he was now Robyn. Eric, naturally, was upset, but it being a very special day, he just spilt tea over their new glory box sheets to signal his distress, forgave Robyn with a peck on the cheek and the day’s formalities went ahead.

After a short time, however, Eric got sick of Robbie’s constant gender indecision and as they had agreed monogamy was tiresome, he went out hunting. And he found Antoine, a penniless French tapdancer looking for a roof over his head, but handsome as the day is long.

On the pair’s return home, Robyn, temporarily Robin, took an instant shine to Antoine who, after a few preliminaries, moved into Eric’s water side apartment making a united, winsome threesome.

Eric, of course, considered Antoine his property and was beside himself with jealousy which manifested itself by him becoming unnecessarily vindictive, and after some disgraceful words and particularly unpleasant actions, he threatened Robbie with a divorce lawyer.

That was expensive and things turned nasty; Robbie cut the wallpaper off the wall as he said he’d bought it, while screams of mutual abuse disturbed the neighbours who complained to the strata committtee about the noisy queers upstairs.


Eric told them it was just a lovers’ tiff, because Love is Love, and he’d take them to the anti-discrimination lot, but the strata committee was unmoved and, with divorce papers finalised, both looked for greener pastures

Although once bitten etc., Eric soon found Love again with Cedric, a nimble lifesaver with whom wallpaper was not an issue, but who crafted nude plaster figures for the Museum of Modern Art, saying they were preferable to Eric’s antiques. An animal lover, he’d brought his butterfly collection with him.

Eric’s mother, having financed the first nuptials, and agitated at the thought of Eric having another go, said unkind things about the nudes while cancelling her sub to the MMA in everyone’s hearing. But nothing would have come of it had not a disagreement erupted over porn versus the Antique Road Show. Eric goaded Cedric by repeating his mother’s comments and Cedric, revealing himself, belatedly, as a mercurial trigender, stormed out screaming ‘equality’, for some unexplained reason.

Eric, clinging to his mantra of ‘Love is Love’ was, understandably, distressed,  but they made up and booked in at a Gay Holiday spot they’d seen in a Qantas mag.

Eric told Cedie not to fancy any of the other guests or he’d be thrown into  Cairns’ crocodile-infested waters. Cedric cried, as it brought to mind his suicide period during the plebiscite, but was comforted by the thought of the evening’s snuggle-up. Eric, an animal philanthropist, bought him a ‘Bat Adoption Gift Pack’ to partner the butterflies and further strengthen the tottering relationship.

Once home, Eric’s brother-in-law, having just broken up his last loving relationship, begged to be allowed to bring his new solicitor squeeze, Trafford, and Traf’s dog, into the apartment.

The brother-in-law shared parenting rights and had his children for weekends. Having been weaned on the tenets of Safe Schools, they knew a demiflux and aporagender when they saw one, but insisted on everyone using their gender neutral pronouns Ey and Zx, claiming to do otherwise was hugely disrespectful.

With opinion divided, and Cedric saying it all hinged on the meaning of diversity, Traf’s dog, sensing the emotional atmosphere, dirtied the carpet while Zx irritated Eric by humming ‘Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage’. Eric said this was retreating to the past and to shut up, as SSM was all about a joyful and peaceful future.

To relieve tensions and as the intoxicating atmosphere created by 15 November was still a cause of riotous jubilation, all went to a welcoming eatery in Oxford street, where Eric spied Nick Minchin, recently returned from the US. Nick was Eric’s bête noire as he’d called SSM ‘fatuous and shallow’ and suggested  that ‘love is not all you need’. Eric immediately started shouting ‘homophobe’ and ‘bigot’ at full volume, along with some unprintable adjectives.

Someone then reminded the now assembled crowd of the Archbishop of Brisbane’s absurd suggestion that parents couldn’t marry their children, nor siblings marry siblings, so he was booed in absentia. Meanwhile, the Nick Minchin look-alike threatened to punch Eric for his homophobic remark, the general excitement alerted nearby constabulary and Eric was wheeled off to the slammer. It was unclear who copped the ‘discrimination’ fine. The party was all over the Sunday mags, which resulted in the strata committee giving them notice to quit and they broke up with mutual recriminations and accusations of guilt.

Eric toyed with the idea that Alan Joyce might come to their rescue with some free, upmarket accommodation as all could prove they’d worn his rings, but Trafford said he might not like to set a precedent. Happily, unpretencious pads were found in Balmain where, sure in the knowledge that the Anti-Discrim Board  would be on their side should any recent events cloud their respective suitability as tenants, past animosities were temporarily forgotten.

Meanwhile, each consoled themselves with the thought that Cupid’s bow is always waiting in the wings ready to produce that exciting, unpredictable but enchantingly desirable emotion – Love.

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