Real life

My part-time boyfriend and I bonded over the Tooting Honey Toilets

12 December 2015

9:00 AM

12 December 2015

9:00 AM

A boyfriend’s for life, not just for Christmas. It’s no good me getting myself a nice cuddly man with whom I can wade through the snow, roast chestnuts and ice-skate in amusing bobble hats.

Because then I am going to be responsible for that boyfriend for a very long time. I should know. These creatures need feeding, they need coddling. They need endless amounts of fuss, and care, and attention. A boyfriend can’t be left in the house for longer than four hours at a time, or I will come home to find he’s been lying in the bath all day and has managed to use up £200 worth of hot water.

He can’t be trusted around food. The cupboards will have to be secured, or I will suddenly discover he has been secretly scoffing every edible thing in the house, including the tins of lobster bisque I was saving for a nuclear holocaust.

He can’t be trusted not to wreck the house by taking things apart in the interests of ‘fixing’ them. No matter how much I try to keep him shut in one room so he doesn’t make a mess, he will find a way to take the bath panel off to find the source of a damp smell and not put it back on …ever.

Above all, a boyfriend cannot be trusted not to start regurgitating all sorts of horrible things I had no idea he had swallowed and not digested, every time he goes on Facebook after I have broken up with him.

I know this, and yet I can’t help myself. It started last month when I was walking the spaniel on Tooting Common. I could feel Christmas in the air, drifting relentlessly towards me. The panic gripped my chest and the thought assaulted my brain: ‘Get a boyfriend! Quick!’


The only other time this happens is the summer holiday season. Then again, the cute couples and happy families planning their annual bout of closeness make confirmed singletons like me feel utterly bereft.

Essentially, I need a boyfriend for two weeks in July or August and two weeks in December. I’m flexible as to which two weeks, but I’d prefer the lead-up to Christmas inclusive of Christmas Day. By Boxing Day I’m over it. I’m happy to be unhappy again once the big dinner is over and I can get on a horse and go hunting.

But I would like some kind of hire arrangement to cover 10 December through 25. Surely some enterprising soul could come up with a reliable festive, special occasion and summer boyfriend hire service, like tuxedo or car rental?

Until then, I have to make my own chaotic arrangements. So there I was walking the spaniel on Tooting Common as the air started to crackle with the ominous vibration of yuletide loneliness, disappointment, let-down and despair, and I saw him.

The handsome Aussie with two spaniels who I have been saying hello to in passing for years.

Suddenly, seen through ‘end of November’ glasses, he looked not handsome, but really handsome. If I squint, I told myself, he looks like Keith Urban. No, he could be Keith Urban.

The next time I went dog-walking I put on a full face of make-up and brushed my hair. And when I bumped into the Aussie, I chatted him up the only way I know how. I whinged to him about a proposal to turn the disused cricket pavilion on the Common into a toilet block for drug users and rough sleepers, a social inclusion project pioneered by the rampant Corbynistas of Balham and Tooting.

The pavilion currently houses a budding artist who acts as a very effective caretaker in return for bed and board. Inside, the pavilion is full of exciting works of art in the making. The land around it is a beautiful open space the whole community enjoys. It all works perfectly, so of course the lefties want to ruin it.

The artist must be turfed out and the pavilion turned into toilet and washing facilities staffed by volunteers until midnight, for maximum antisocial behaviour value. To tick the environmental box, they plan to have beehives around the toilet block producing honey, which will be sold using honesty boxes.

The Tooting Honey Toilets are taking local Labour voters by storm with practically everyone I ask saying what a terrific idea it is.

So I told my rugged Keith Urban lookalike, and when I’d finished ranting I held my breath …and he burst out laughing and said, in a broad Aussie drawl, ‘Yeah? Well, they can make as much honey as they like but we’re still gonna be at war with the barbarians who are trying to destroy the world!’

Be still my beating heart. I might want to keep this one after Boxing Day.

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Show comments
  • davidshort10

    Quite a long time ago a male friend and I would muse about how great it would be if you could just rent a family when you felt you needed one. So many men now thought they had a permanent one and found that oops they didn’t but they still end up paying for it while living in a bedsit.

    • Chamber Pot

      They should say f*** it and join ISIS ……hey that’s way better than getting f*****over by the state ?

  • Builder boyfriend

    Dear God run forest,run is all I can say to the Australian Melissa is eyeing up like a shark looking at prey. She wasted 3 years of my life,she is a total fruit loop!. Never happy and probably the most selfish person on the planet!. What she wants is a fool of a man with money that works all the time and never wants to ever stand up to her and her very odd friends. Well good luck Melissa you have burned all you hopes so far,so why not give the Bloke down the park ago?. I as someone who truly loved you feel very sorry for any man that thinks all you ex’s were Barstards as you told me!. He’s got a bumpy road to travel. And just for the record I left you!. So stop making out like you a strong feminist women,your just a silly silly nobody from Balham. You do not have a boyfriend because you treat people like crap,this is horrible and you are the one living on your own because of it. You really hurt me and I will one day forgive you but not just yet.

    Good luck
    From the nice fool you used for 3 years
    No hard feelings hey Kite?.

  • One can’t use people [for sexual gratification] for periods of time due to one being a confirmed singleton. This is a destructive way of life–sown onto the fabric of Western Civilization by Marxist saboteurs–where revulsion is experienced by the narcissistic lives led.

  • rationality

    Dating in some ways is better than it has ever been before as those of us in the know have the intellectual arguments to coax women out of their feminist indoctrination. I have unlearned the soppy nonsense about being a ‘new man’ which women hate and find women quite like uncompromising right wing nutters who know what they want. I cannot wait to spend Christmas Day with my gorgeous intolerant partner.

    I appreciate that this is not a deadly serious piece but these sort of demands are feminist inspired and I would question whether the extent of deprogramming is worth the bother,

  • JonBW

    Hope you have a Happy Christmas.

    But please, if and when you venture out of London and into the countryside that some of us are lucky enough to call home: leave our wildlife in peace!

  • King Kibbutz

    As long as you clean up after yourselves, then there’s no harm done.

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