In Competition No. 2921 you were invited to write a clerihew about a fictional character.

The clerihew is a comic four-line (AABB) biographical poem characterised by metrical irregularity and awkward rhyme. The first line is often the subject’s name. Or, to put it another way:

E.C. Bentley
Quite accidently
Invented this form of wit,
And this is it. (Anon)

Here is another Bentley-inspired clerihew, this one written by Michael Curl:

E.C. Bentley
Mused while he ought to have studied intently;
It was this muse
That inspired clerihews.

There was much to applaud in an entry full of wit and whimsy. Those printed below fought off stiff opposition to bag £8 per clerihew.

Crow
didn’t want it so.
Given another chance he wouldn’t choose
to be muse to Ted Hughes.
D.A. Prince
 
Robinson Crusoe,
Wistfully regarding his unused trousseau,
Said, ‘I’m approaching do-or-die day!
If I’m not rescued Thursday, I’ll marry Friday.’
Roger Slater
 
Ishmael
Received phish mail
But he knew it was a trick
When they claimed they could lengthen his Moby Dick.
 
Lot
Was not
Disappointed his wife looked back. He saw it as an opportunity
For her to become a pillar of the community.
Robert Schechter
 
Carmen
Was charmen to barmen,
Handing out bags
Of free fags.
John Whitworth
 
Lancelot
Invited Guinevere to ‘dirty dance’ a lot.
His great mistake was to have her on the Round Table,
Which then became quite unstable.
Brian Allgar
 
James Bond
Would never despond.
He knew there’d be more sex and glory
In the next story.
W.J. Webster
 
Caliban
Has no obvious connection to the Taleban,
But it would be a crime
Not to use the rhyme.
Rob Stuart
 
Oliver Mellors
Was one of those working-class fellers
Who had it off
With a toff.
Nicholas Hodgson
 
Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy
Was upper-classy —
Indeed, upper-upper-upper;
But until the plot thickened not at all Elizabeth’s cuppa.
Ray Kelley
 
Castaway Robinson Crusoe
Was hopeless at housework and knew so;
But then along came Man Friday
To keep their island tiday.
Mike Morrison
 
Lady Macbeth
Was the cause of death
Of lots and lots
Of Scots.
David Silverman
 
Humbert Humbert
Married the girl’s mum, but
Found Lolita
Much sweeter.
A.R. Duncan-Jones
 
Simon Templar
Was sometimes an exemplar
Of what a saint
Ain’t.
George Simmers
 
Cyrano
Thought he’d hear a ‘no’
From Roxanne, showing a man can be brilliant
in some matters, and in some,
Barbara Kirby
 
Godot
Doesn’t show.
There may be details of the play that I’ve missed,
But that’s the gist.
Max Gutmann
 
Harry Flashman
Sneers, ‘It would be a rash man
Indeed
Who would bet against the success of my unprincipled breed.’
Chris O’Carroll
 
Some carp
At the morals of Becky Sharp,
While others consider Amelia Sedley
Deadly
Carolyn Beckingham

No. 2924: Bad sex award

You are invited to submit a ‘love scene’ from a novel that dampens rather than boosts the reader’s libido. Please email entries of up to 150 words to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 11 November.