Notes on…
Christmas elves
I was 19 when I became a Hamleys elf. The closest thing I can compare it to is military service.…
Mullets
The mullet is back in fashion, which is proof that true evil never dies. What’s more, the trend is being…
Tiramisu
You can get drunk on tiramisu. I have done it. It takes two portions at least. You drink (I mean…
Bagpipes
Many people love to hate bagpipes. Everyone from William Shakespeare to Alfred Hitchcock has held them in contempt. For some,…
Halloween turnips
You see them everywhere in vast orange mounds: pumpkins, piles of pumpkins, large enough to be turned into a coach…
Sloes
The gin craze of recent years has reached a scale that would have horrified Hogarth. You can now buy strawberry,…
Conkers
Last weekend, for the 54th time, hundreds of competitors met to compete for the title of world conker champion in…
Bungalows
We keep hearing about the importance of levelling up. Architects tasked with the responsibility of building new homes, however, might…
Irn Bru
There aren’t many countries where Coca-Cola isn’t the most popular drink. Scotland is one of them. And unlike some of…
Place names
Last week a gentle Norfolk waterway got into trouble with Facebook. The problem was its name — Cockshoot Dyke. Facebook’s…
Passports
The Egyptologist Sir J. Gardner Wilkinson interprets drawings in a tomb in Thebes as persons queuing up to have passports…
Treehouses
You can’t (and probably shouldn’t) design a treehouse. Treehouses should grow organically, in every sense: they must be made of…
Leotards
Jules Léotard was blessed in his name. It might have been quite different had he been called, say, Jules Droupé.…
Eels
The migration of European eels is one of the miracles of nature. They start life in the great deeps of…
Sensory deprivation tanks
Hidden below St George’s Wharf in Vauxhall, down the road from a now defunct gay sauna, is Floatworks, a wellness…
Avocets
There are many reasons why birds disappear — and why they return. The avocet, however, is probably the only one…
Aquariums
Fish tanks were probably first conceived in the distant past by the Chinese, but in many respects, aquariums are a…
Bidets
In December 2019, and in keeping with our tradition of perverse birthday gifts, some friends gave me a bidet device.…
Gosforth Cross
In the small Cumbrian village of Gosforth, in the graveyard of St Mary’s Church, there is a sandstone cross which…
Lobsters
Lobsters like to live in gullies on the sea floor, or under sand, and I understand how they feel. But…
Skateboarding
I was 12 when I got into skateboarding: the same age as Sky Brown, the youngest member of Team GB’s…
Pigeon racing
Pigeon racing isn’t much of a spectator sport. Race birds are driven to the ‘liberation point’, where they’re released to…
The Pride flag
Last month, the Pride flag was updated by the Intersex Equality Rights UK campaign group — the simple rainbow was…
Bitterns
Bitterns are booming, both literally and metaphorically. These handsome brown birds from the heron family make a noise quite unlike…
Cornish pasties
This week, world leaders are doing what countless Brits do every summer: unpacking their bags in a charming corner of…
