BREAKING: Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer has announced a social media ban for under-16s.

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Sir Keir Starmer entered his legacy era today as he announced a full-fat social media ban for under-16s. The Prime Minister, who could be booted out of Downing Street within weeks, warned that the likes of TikTok and Instagram are making children unhappy and unsafe. He argued that apps are stopping youngsters ‘doing their homework, reading, playing with their friends outside, going to bed at decent hour’.

Of course, unable to help himself, the Prime Minister hit out at critics who complained about the consultation process that led to this decision being announced months later than it could have been. The number one fan of ‘process’ insisted ministers must ‘listen very carefully to the voices of those it seeks to serve’. Oh, the irony… The Labour leader claimed it was the consultation process itself that had changed his mind on the topic, having previously defended social media on the grounds that his children enjoy a scroll.

Sir Keir also said that the argument against imposing a ban because some children will find a way around it was ‘ridiculous’. He argued that we would not seek to legalise booze for children simply because they often manage to get their hands on some. The Prime Minister said:

I think most parents will welcome this action. I think they will welcome a clear and decisive choice, and they will welcome a government that stands by them, that supports them to do the best for their children, and that fights for their happiness and safety against the most powerful companies in the world.

Among the apps that will be banned are Instagram, X, TikTok, Facebook, YouTube and Snapchat. Curiously, Bluesky – the leftie version of X – is not on the list. With 16-year-olds now able to vote too, Mr S wonders why ever that could be?