The week began with Prime Minister Anthony Albanese surprising everyone, not least of all the Labor Party, by officially supporting our major ally’s strike against Iran.
Someone said this support only happened because Labor is in political hot water over Bondi – and if it weren’t for that act of domestic terror, Australia’s response would be sitting somewhere between Starmer’s incompetence and Spain’s hostility.
They’re probably right … as soon as Albo completed his statesmanlike address, his trusty left brain cell kicked in.
The rest of the week was devoted to Albo’s live-action farce scripted by a committee of drunk cockatoos (the Greens?) which culminated in the arrival of Canadian Prime Minister Mark ‘Carnage’ Carney. (Trust the Canadians to be passive-aggressive with their nicknames.)
Cue the Canberra fawning session of Parliamentary smooches, gibberish joint pressers scripted by AI, and maple-flavoured tears shed in the direction of Australia’s critical minerals. (Canada will have to wait in line behind the Americans.)
They even managed to rustle up four lush-looking Australian flags to stand in front of.
Canada and Australia have never waited for others to write our futures. We have written it ourselves through a century of choices, standing together in the darkest hours, building with optimism and purpose, and now helping to create what comes next.
An honour to have addressed… pic.twitter.com/5kqXZkeYXt
— Mark Carney (@MarkJCarney) March 5, 2026
Middle powers unite ?❤️???? pic.twitter.com/3G8ZXHh2e3
— Tanya Plibersek (@tanya_plibersek) March 5, 2026
Always reaching for greatness, Labor declared our nation a proud ‘middle power’ (or is that ‘middling’?), high-fived Carney, and now we are left to wait for Jim Chalmers to send us a copy of the bill in the next Budget.
Apparently, he’s ‘working hard’ – something we’d rather the Treasurer refrain from.
Meanwhile, the RBA’s Michele Bullock is mumbling ‘too early to say’ about our economic situation in light of the Iran war, like she’s reading from an insurance company’s claims handling handbook.
Also, it seems these ‘middle powers’ think green hydrogen is the cure for ballistic missiles. ‘Deeper clean-energy ties!’ they trill while the oil runs dry, as if duct-taping solar panels to Tomahawk missiles will make the mullahs join a mirror-squatting drum circle.
“The world will always be driven by great powers. But it can also be shaped by middle powers that trust each other and act with speed & purpose. Australia and Canada have demonstrated that trust again this week,” says PM Mark Carney in address to Australia’s parliament.#cdnpoli pic.twitter.com/CyU8d1PUrC
— CPAC (@CPAC_TV) March 5, 2026
That wasn’t even the craziest moment of Parliament.
While mosques wept over their martyred hero, the Senate decided to use their post-Bondi powers and start asking questions.
We’re just kidding.
They dragged Pauline Hanson out and censured her for a second time (36-17) over a fumbled Sky News Australia interview (which seems like a minor infraction compared to Tony Burke’s ISIS bride fiasco). Two Liberals chipped in. Yes, we see you.
As for the protesters clutching portraits of Khamenei, nothing says ‘Aussie values’ like lighting candles for the bloke whose regime has been funnelling cash to torch Antipodean synagogues.
Somewhere in the week, Albo accused One Nation of appealing to ‘dark forces’ which was immediately turned into merchandise, the words ‘racist’ and ‘bitch’ were thrown across the chamber which (hopefully this won’t be immortalised in history when people skim through the opening of world war three), and NSW Premier Chris Minns announced his resignation – eventually – sometime in the next two terms.
For my international friends… Behold, Australian Parliament:pic.twitter.com/iNbZFGKqBO
— Alexandra Marshall (@ellymelly) March 2, 2026
Moving onto Iran … earlier in the year, social media giant X quietly switched Iran’s flag over – replacing the Islamic Republic flag with the Lion and the Sun. It’s somewhere between a f- you to the Ayatollahs and the news anchor trying to call election results before polls close.
Meanwhile, the Strait of Hormuz is auditioning for the next Mad Max sequel. US subs are turning Iranian warships into coral gardens, setting off some second-hand outrage from Western activists. The first enemy warship sunk by an American sub since the second world war was the Iranian frigate IRIS Dena off the coast of Sri Lanka. Australians were on board the US sub and instead of congratulating them, the Greens have gone into meltdown.
US Navy destroyed Iran warship in Indian Ocean near Sri Lanka using torpedo attack
This is the first sinking of an enemy ship by a torpedo since World War 2 by US Navy
The world is witnessing physics and intelligence of highest order for destruction
pic.twitter.com/7rsJdW3E8c— Sumit Behal (@sumitkbehal) March 4, 2026
Iran decided to speed up the ‘climate apocalypse’ by setting the largest oil refinery in the Middle East, Saudi Arabia’s Aramco, on fire. We’re surprised there wasn’t applause from Just Stop Oil or Extinction Rebellion – the oil has stopped. We’ll wait and see if anyone organises an Iran Freedom Flotilla to help the Houthi pirates out now that they’ve been robbed of shipping vessels to liberate from their capitalist oppressors.
Hezbollah has much bigger problems. Almost immediately after firing off a ‘solidarity rocket’ for their dear sugar daddy, Khamenei, their leader was wiped out by return fire from Israel. Lebanon, deciding it doesn’t want to be the next Gaza, is working with the international community to de-rocket their terrorist infestation.
BREAKING:
Lebanese Prime Minister Nawaf Salam announced “the immediate ban of all Hezbollah security and military activities and considering them illegal,” and called on the group to surrender its arms.
— Visegrád 24 (@visegrad24) March 2, 2026
20,000 Kurds are preparing a ground invasion of Iran, telling the ABC, ‘[our] biggest weapon is our people’. They’re intent on triggering an uprising by activating ‘thousands of sleeper cells within Iran’. The Kurds are offering the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps the same promise as the (presumptive) Shah of Iran – lay down your weapons and surrender and receive immunity. [Turkey has entered the chat.]
It wasn’t Labor’s finest hour when stranded Australian businessmen, tourists, and TikTokers were given the wrong DFAT number. Over 100,000 are trying to evacuate the area.
At home, Chalmers and Bowen teamed up to beg Australians not to panic-buy fuel at the local servo – with fears lines could stretch longer than the dole queue. The market was put on notice not to price gouge … too much.
Then Chalmers went poof! He ninja-ed his way into a panic room as the economy started knocking. We could practically hear him rehearsing through the door:
‘Unforeseen exogenous shocks… unprecedented global volatility… the Iran war changed everything…’
Mate, the budget was a bin fire before the missiles started flying. But sure, blame the Ayatollahs for a trillion-dollar IOU collection and every mortgage now classified as a war crime against the middle class. (Last time, it was Ukraine. Next time it’ll be Taiwan.)
Fuel reserves? Thirty-six days of petrol, 34 diesel, 32 jet fuel – just remember not to panic.
A few years back, Morrison watched refineries close like they were going out of fashion. Now Albo passed a stock law then left us 80 per cent hooked on tankers threading the needle through Pirate Alley. AdBlue? Back for round two of the 2022 kidney-auction special – prices increasing faster than you can say ‘supply chain balls-up’. One Houthi with a GoPro and we’re all pushing our utes to the bowser like it’s 1942.
Oh, and the government finally tagged Hizb ut-Tahrir as a ‘prohibited hate group’. Huzzah! Except it’s the political equivalent of putting a band-aid on a shark bite.
Reports suggest the only Muslim countries still supporting Iran’s oppressive dictatorship are the United Kingdom, France, and Spain.
What did you miss? Bugger all. Same circus, bigger tent.
It’s comical, but the laugh track’s on life support. You’d laugh along with it if we weren’t going backwards so quickly.
Dr Michael de Percy @FlaneurPolitiq is the Spectator Australia’s Canberra Press Gallery Correspondent. If you would like to support his writing, or read more of Michael, please visit his website.
