Despite his intense paranoia regarding ‘conspiracy theories’, Anthony Albanese chose April Fools’ Day to make a rare national address about his role in Europe’s largest chocolate heist. Four hundred thousand special edition KitKat bars were stolen from a truck in Italy, prompting a viral social media marketing campaign.

Regarding recent press coverage pic.twitter.com/Huh4EnFV2J

— KITKAT (@KITKAT) March 29, 2026

Just kidding.

Albanese spent an awkward three minutes talking about the fuel crisis in non-specific vagueries that take decades in Canberra to master.

In what citizens said ‘could have been an email’, the Prime Minister warned the months ahead may not be easy but that we were all in this together. Don’t panic buy. Work from home. Use public transport. Buy an EV. ‘Keep Australia Moving!’

My Address to the Nation. pic.twitter.com/Iaqts9Rd4X

— Anthony Albanese (@AlboMP) April 1, 2026

With 608 servos running dry of something, people might be a bit calmer if the Prime Minister managed to look a little more panicked. At least then they might assume he was doing something and sweating a little over the problem rather than giving his best impression of a Daniel Andrews’ North Face jacket. It reminds me of Humphrey B. Bear. If he can’t see you, you can’t see him. And nothing makes people calm down like being told to calm down.

How I treated fuel in January pic.twitter.com/Om0baFlDm8

— MrE (@MrEdogtagnft) March 25, 2026

I missed most of the action while travelling and returned to a Covid re-run of politicians legislating around the edges of a logistical problem. Put it this way, if Labor ran a retail store they’d solve a missing box of stock by restricting trading hours and adding a surcharge to customers wearing shorts. They’d never find the box, but they could tell head office they were ‘doing something’.

Jim Chalmers is ‘doing something’. He’s scribbling ‘fuel crisis’ into the margins of his Budget reform package, nibbling a KitKat while the rest of us brace for new mortgage rates. He’s the only one working hard – and we really wish he’d take a break.

Angus Taylor and the Opposition barely noticed because they were too busy performing ‘last rites’ for the Victorian Liberals. Yes, Moira Deeming may yet keep her seat on the preselection ticket, but there’s a fair bit of blood and embarrassment on the partyroom floor while a few moderate powerbrokers can be heard chanting prayers in the shadows.

The Federal Leadership also lost Andrew Hirst, who stepped down as the federal director after nine years as the chief strategist.

Who’s next in line for the role … Tony Abbott?

According to the AFR, former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull praised right-wing favourite Andrew Hastie over possible ‘changes to the capital gains tax discount, negative gearing, and a windfall profit tax on gas exports’. Hastie also called the war with Iran a ‘huge miscalculation’. Even some members of the Labor Party were more enthusiastic about the US Administration. Turnbull said that, ‘I’m sure [Hastie] will be Liberal Leader one day, I’d be amazed if he isn’t.’

I’ll be amazed if the party survives that long.

President Trump gave a ‘world address’ on Thursday, declaring US-Israeli objectives against Iran were ‘nearing completion’ and the whole mess might be wrapped up in a couple of weeks. As for Europe, he told them to ‘go get their own fuel’ and then levelled an Iranian bridge reminding the leadership to ‘open the Strait of Hormuz’ or else. A coalition of forty dithering world leaders and officials, including Penny Wong, are still having a chat about what to do next. The plan is to whisper fuel through the Strait via dialogue and diplomacy. Guaranteed by the UN.

Trump showed Albo how to communicate properly. Straight talk, clear objectives, a few follow-up scary tweets. The share market even perked up. Whether we like it or not, we’re in this rock show. Mind you, Trump did cast a sceptical eye over Australia’s naval contribution levels. That’s not entirely fair. Our political leaders are champs at navel-gazing.

When the US isn’t de-terrorising the Middle East, they are flying people to the moon. NASA launched Artemis II successfully on April Fools’ Day (they’re baiting conspiracy podcasters at this point). The four astronauts include the first African-American and the first biological female on a lunar mission. There was even a Canadian, (he had to promise not to pray for fear of Canada’s new proposal to ban parts of the Bible right on Easter).

We have lift off! ?? Artemis II successfully launched into Earth’s orbit from Florida’s Cape Canaveral, marking the crucial first step in mankind’s historic return to deep space and the moon. https://t.co/kfhS1cFPh5 pic.twitter.com/FaQWw8byWm

— New York Post (@nypost) April 1, 2026

I actually thought the Moon mission was an April Fools’ joke. Missiles and fuel prices flying sky high, next thing humans are heading back to the Moon for the first time since Apollo? The ten-day journey marks a serious step toward a sustained lunar presence, future deep-space work, and strategic defence. For one brief moment it felt like a palate cleanser in a week of eating overpriced nothing burgers.

Back home, the WA Premier activated emergency powers under old fuel legislation. How this helps remains unclear. Queensland Premier David Crisafulli unlocked a potential ‘sea of oil’ a few hours’ drive from Brisbane. There are calls to make him Prime Minister. NSW Premier Chris Minns wants more ‘control’ and then watched Sydney’s public transport system take last weekend off for maintenance. And Canberra showed it was taking the crisis seriously by … going on holiday.

What did you miss? A week where Albo channelled Keir Starmer for gravitas and took his jerry cans to Asia to panic buy fuel. And if this makes you want an aspirin, forget it. Trump’s just imposed a 100 per cent tariff on Aussie pharmaceutical imports.

Albo: ‘Keep calm and catch a bus.’

Trump: ♬B1 bridge is falling down♬

JUST IN – Trump: "The biggest bridge in Iran comes tumbling down." pic.twitter.com/kSZENXhdeO

— Disclose.tv (@disclosetv) April 2, 2026

And just as I am signing off, President Trump has sacked US Attorney-General Pam Bondi. Apparently, she hasn’t delivered on her responsibilities. Maybe Albo can take a leaf out of Trump’s playbook and sack himself and his entire team? Now that would be a responsible government.

Dr Michael de Percy @FlaneurPolitiq is the Spectator Australia’s Canberra Press Gallery Correspondent. If you would like to support his writing, or read more of Michael, please visit his website.