Boyish girls, climb the nearest tree and give a Tarzan whoop of victory – girly boys, fashion a floral crown and caper copiously. Thanks to the Cass Report, failing to follow sexist stereotypes (which decree that girls play with dolls and boys play with themselves) will no longer get you marched off to the sex-correction clinic. You’ll no longer be stuffed like a five-bird roast with the best that Big Pharma can tout and later shuttled off to the abattoir to have your perfectly healthy sexual organs hacked off. For the Great Trans Con has been bust as wide open as the space between India Willoughby’s ears.

Why did so many people who should have known better give their support to the incompetence verging on evil which the Cass Report has exposed?

Was ever a ‘liberation’ movement ever so risible from the start? Did any other allegedly oppressed group’s bid for equality include seeking to rob another oppressed group of their rights? Did any other oppressed group claim their freedom by dressing up as another oppressed group? And, crucially, did any allegedly oppressed group ever carry out such a comprehensive and conclusive capture of the most conservative and capitalist corporations and institutions? No, they didn’t – because previously, oppressed groups weren’t mostly composed of white middle-class men, as the trans-lobby are.

Like the Mitchell and Webb Nazis, the signs that the trans-mob weren’t the good guys – though they were definitely guys – were there all along. The threats of violence, rape and death while calling women who sought to preserve women’s spaces the hateful ones. The snitching to the police – such rebels! – who reacted true to form by siding with the blokes and arresting women for being impolite to men, joined by the judges who made raped women call their attackers ‘she’ out of ‘respect’. They stand revealed as a bunch of liars, fantasists and bullies, the whole rotten lot of them.

Now the reckoning has come. With it, the people who were previously vilified will be vindicated. The greatest winner will be JK Rowling, as she generally is – and she has handled her victory with characteristic wit and grace.

In light of the Cass Report, my side wouldn’t be human if we didn’t fancy getting a little light grovelling from the other side. For weary, dreary years they’ve stamped their huge feet and demanded that we apologise for hurting their feelings; now we want them to apologise primarily for cheerleading the mutilation of children and secondarily for damaging the lives of the adults who sought to stand in their way.

Enter JKR. When someone on X suggested that Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson – that pair of over-privileged no-marks she made famous – owe her ‘a very public apology… safe in the knowledge that you will forgive them’ Rowling responded by saying:

‘Not safe, I’m afraid…celebs who cosied up to a movement intent on eroding women’s hard-won rights and who used their platforms to cheer on the transitioning of minors can save their apologies for traumatised detransitioners and vulnerable women reliant on single sex spaces…

I understand that the review’s conclusions will have come as a seismic shock to those who’ve hounded and demonised whistleblowers and smeared opponents as bigots and transphobes…even if you don’t feel ashamed of cheerleading for what now looks like severe medical malpractice, even if you don’t want to accept that you might have been wrong, where’s your sense of self-preservation? The bandwagon you hopped on so gladly is hurtling towards a cliff…you cheered it on. You did all you could to impede and misrepresent research. You tried to bully people out of their jobs for opposing you. Young people have been experimented on, left infertile and in pain.’

I personally would never pay good money to see Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson ‘act’ (if that word could be applied to a pair of poltroons so wooden that they might best be employed as totem poles). But I’d give a pretty penny to see them apologise for joining in with a gang of monsters who for years have done their best to have the maximum number of children mutilated and the optimum number of people who disagree with this ruined.

Privilege calls to privilege and it’s no coincidence that so few working-class people – as with the climate change racket – are numbered among the trans-mob. Radcliffe and Watson are part of the creeping colonisation of the once-lively arts by the dreary spawn of the bourgeoisie. Watson is the privately educated daughter of lawyers; Radcliffe the privately educated son of a literary agent and – aha! – a casting agent. He wasn’t even the first choice to play the boy wizard; that was the American Liam Aiken, but as she wanted the entire cast to be British, JKR (with that Head Girl sense of responsibility which is mostly admirable and a little bit irritating) intervened in favour of Radcliffe. No good deed goes unpunished and maybe it his awareness of his own lack of talent which makes him so hostile to her. Watson is only slightly less detestable, the allegedly feminist ‘role model’ who posed topless for Vanity Fair. Together they are the Goneril and Regan of showbusiness. But at least Lear’s ungrateful brats were angling for a kingdom; this pair it seems, only wanted to be acceptable in their echo chamber, even if it meant throwing the one person responsible for their success to the wolves.

The Cass Report marks a milestone for many, most of all for the children of the future who will now grow up into happy homosexuals with un-mutilated bodies. But for JKR-watchers, there’s a minor milestone here too. I don’t generally believe in ‘journeys’, unless you actually book a ticket at some point, but Rowling’s certainly been on one. Starting off as a prissy modern lefty – complete with pro-Labour and anti-Brexit knee-jerks – she has become a practitioner of real, old-fashioned communitarianism, driven by generosity and compassion. Hence her suggestion that the apologies be distributed elsewhere. It’s the difference between real progressive politics – people coming together to work for the common good – and the politics of envy and identity, with every interest group screaming ‘ME, ME, ME!’ Many talentless trans people have benefited during the past decade of lunacy, picking up everything from book deals to modelling contracts to sporting trophies as rewards from the male establishment for giving uppity women a drubbing. That’s going to finish now, too. Now they’ll be the ‘dinosaurs’ – as David Lammy so despicably dismissed feminists who cared about children being butchered.

Why did so many people who should have known better give their support to the incompetence verging on evil which the Cass Report has exposed? Why did they go along with witch hunts which ruined people both financially and emotionally? Were they sinister or silly – or both?

Whatever the reason, the hellish 1984-like dystopia we’ve been living through – where we’ve been required to lie that a penis metaphorically held up in court is female – is rapidly crumbling. You might want to slap on the extra-waterproof mascara, all you woman-facers and female-appropriators – because your days as lady-cocks of the walk are numbered.

As for Radcliffe and Watson, they were nothing before JKR and they’ll be nothing after her. Unlike her, they won’t be remembered as good people. They won’t even be remembered as being on either the right or wrong side of history – to quote this pathetically pompous phrase – because they won’t really be remembered at all. They are just interchangeable extras in the cast of the sweeping, epic, massively entertaining JK Rowling story. It’s all they deserve.