The Christmas and New Year family feasts were still ambling their way through my digestive system when I noted (from the shape of things) that some were taking up permanent residence in my stomach. Before I could panic, the season’s traditional serenity was interrupted by the Queensland government announcing a snap election in the first week of January 2015.

One of the small political parties rang me looking for a suitable candidate, but all possibilities were away on holiday.

‘You would be the only person supporting small business and the local Cruise Ship Terminal (CST) business because no one, not even the two big parties, were supporting either of these,’ they told me.

As to small business, this is the engine room of Australia that incorporates farmers, fishermen, tradies, and coffee shop owners, etc. Most regional towns are almost all small business while the majority of innovation springs from small business, hence I had no problem standing up as a voice for them.

As to the Cruise terminal, 15 years of marine misinformation pervaded the skulls of many of the local residents. Now the two major parties had gone weak-kneed on the project despite high youth unemployment which had reached 23 per cent in some areas.

I took the task on, telling myself that it would only be only for three weeks and it would look good on my CV when I applied for my next job! I had watched Braveheart several times, and Scotsmen are used to winning from a minority position. So, I gleefully entered the world of politics.

In three weeks campaigning for the small business community and the CST, I wasted $35,000 in corflutes and various sojourns.

At one of the ‘Meet the Candidates’ forum, the hostility by the Greens supporters stacking the front rows, was palpable. A cruise terminal destroying pristine waterfront was, in their view, totally unacceptable.

‘The basic tenet in small business,’ I started cautiously, ‘is that at the end of each week, all staff and bills have to be paid, and there should be some money left in the tin that you haven’t borrowed. That is the same tenet for big companies, local, state, and federal governments.’

‘That’s total bulls**t!’ screamed the Greens in unison, offering themselves as living evidence that humanoid lifeforms can survive hours in a spin drier and still spit venom.

The rest of my brief address was shouted down by the Greens.

On election day, the ALP/Greens ‘sand-bagged’ each of the 8 polling booths (having 8-10 red /green shirts to out-manoeuvre my two helpers) to ensure I wasn’t elected. They told undecided voters on their approach that I was an evil threat to the last polar bears on the Barrier Reef. Team Palaszczuk was elected, despite having no experience or talent, which is now painfully evident.

A ‘failed political hopeful’ now looks interesting on my CV.

I have since attended the Small Business Jobs Summit held earlier this year on the Gold Coast, which had some interesting results.

Organised by the small business think tank, MTG, it concluded the three-hour job summit featuring senior representatives from construction, engineering, hospitality, farming, fishing, medical, legal, and accounting business groups representing 5.3 million working Australians.

Key questions raised at the summit were:

Is small business happy with the ALP being elected?

Interestingly, 14 per cent of delegates expressed delight about this result. These were the oldest of small business attendees that have seen more than 9 elections and understand that the ALP historically drives the cost of everything upward and the value of everything downward. Immediately upon the ALP being elected, these seasoned business owners sell all assets and buy them back a year or two later at half price. ‘How good is that, eh?’ said an old farmer called Wayne, explaining this strategy to me.

Is small business happy with the ALP energy policy?

98 per cent are very unhappy about Chris Bowen’s apparent ignorance of nuclear power and the abundance of uranium and thorium on our doorstep. Most small businesses pay close attention to what is happening to other renewable energy gullibles such as Germany and UK which feature skyrocketing energy prices, but gave Bowen the benefit of the doubt whether he had a working television.

What does small business recommend about worker shortage?

96 per cent recommend immediate re-introduction of national service which integrates skills training like Israel and Singapore. At the same time, this also boosts our defence capability and gets younger people a dose of discipline and respect. Cutting unemployment benefits would help. The delegates agreed that Australia should copy the successful strategies of successful nations.

Should small business pursue gender and race equality policies?

100 per cent of respondents advised the ongoing small business policy since the end of the second world war that all new staff are taken, not on gender, race, religion, vaccinated/unvaccinated, tall, short, fat or thin, but always on merit and nothing else.

Could the unions integrate successfully with small business?

95 per cent of respondents indicated they would rather catch the bubonic plague or set fire to their premises, than allow unions in the door. They had the overwhelming view from previous skirmishes that unions are the kiss of death to any small business and totally ignorant of any business objectives in ‘meeting the market’. It is their belief that unions have crucified most Australian industries by the double-edged sword of forcing higher wages coupled with lower productivity.

In an open forum for good ideas, the Bradfield Scheme and the Boomerang Railway received unanimous support as ‘Nation Builders’ whereas Snowy 2.0 was loudly berated. Decreasing the number of public holidays, eliminating the anti-employment payroll tax, incentivising small business with cuts in federal, state, and local regulations and fees were subjects that were thrown around.

All attendees agreed it is harder for small businesses to meet the avalanche of increasing costs under socialist leadership. Working longer hours on standard rates appeared to be the only solution so that at the end of each week, there would indeed be some money in the tin.