[Calm down, it’s satire.]

Labor leader Anthony Albanese has promised to say anything anywhere in order to win the upcoming federal election.

Speaking to enthusiastic supporters at a meeting hastily moved to a Canberra phone box to contain the burgeoning crowd, Mr Albanese promised he would govern ‘like Jesus’ if elected.

‘And if Jesus is not your guy, then I promise to be Mother Teresa or Abraham Lincoln or literally anyone you like,’ he said with a dazzling smile, courtesy of new teeth ordered especially for the election.

‘I can pretend to be whoever you trust the most!’

Say-Anything-Albanese acknowledged that he would never win government with his actual agenda, so he had decided to present himself as someone else, in order to appear as anyone the public would like him to be if he was not who he really was.

‘It worked for Kevin Rudd,’ he said with a wink, visible behind trendy new spectacles ordered especially for the election.

‘But don’t worry. I’m not like Kevin Rudd. Or Julia Gillard. Or Kevin Rudd’s second coming. Or Bill Shorten. Or any other Labor leader that I ever supported,’ he said.

‘I’d like both of you to think of me as Bob Hawke, but obviously without the gravitas, or the charisma, or the common touch.’

Then, with a look of seriousness not seen since his Women’s Weekly photo-shoot, All-Things-to-All-Men Albanese, wearing an Akubra ordered especially for the election, told assembled supporters: ‘By 2025, no Australian gender-fluid child of colour with a disability will be living in poverty.’

The inspiring moment was briefly interrupted by a phone call from former British Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn who has been advising Comrade Albanese on how to package his far-left agenda as economic conservatism.

An emotional Mr Albanese was heard to whisper, ‘I like to fight Torries, Jeremy. That’s what I do!’ before ending the call and wiping tears from his eyes.

Returning to his speech, the ALP leader said he would present himself in the upcoming election as a ‘centrist’ and insisted he could say this with a straight face because, if he was at a meeting of the Greens, it would be true.

He promised to abandon his divisive woke social agenda and economy destroying green economic policies until the day after the election.

‘As Graham Richardson famously said, “Whatever it takes.” Or as Peter Garrett said, “Once we get in, we’ll change it all.” Or as Julia Gillard told voters, “There will be no carbon tax under the government I lead.” Or as Kevin 07 boasted, “I am a fiscal conservative.”

‘An Albanese government will end the climate wars, put a stop to class warfare, and bring Australians together!

‘And if anyone believes this, I have a harbour bridge to sell them!’

When the howls of laughter finally subsided, Mr Albanese took aim at critics who have described him as ‘Each-Way Albo’ for his inability to stick with a position.

‘Let me be clear. I can be Bob Hawke, or I can be John Howard. I can be your favourite Labor leader. Or I can be your favourite Liberal Leader. I can hardly be accused of shifting positions if I go to the election taking every position, all at the same time!’

Flip-Flop Albo, fresh from partying at the gay Mardi Gras while NSW flooded, said his resemblance to the former Prime Ministers was uncanny. Also uncanny was the way a pig flew overhead at that very moment.

‘Just as Bob Hawke ran unions and just like John Howard ran the country, I will use my 25 years of experience in Parliament without ever holding a major portfolio, to run a chook raffle,’ Mr Albanese said.

‘I will form a committee to discuss chook raffle rules and establish a commission to investigate the impact on the chook.’

He denied a deal had been done to allow the Greens to sell the raffle tickets and refused to be drawn on whether the raffle would run at a profit.

Anthony-Someone-Else, sporting new sneakers and dressed in chinos ordered especially for the election, said that if voters didn’t want him to be someone else, he could always be more like Anthony Albanese.

When asked what ‘more like Anthony Albanese’ actually meant, he replied: ‘It can mean whatever you want it to mean.’

You can follow James on Twitter. You can order his new book Notes from Woketopia here.