Daniel Andrews has celebrated zero cases of coronavirus and a month of no community transmissions by mask-shaming long-suffering Victorians.
“Good morning to everyone except those wearing their mask under their nose at the supermarket,” he tweeted yesterday.
It was a message befitting a bitchy schoolgirl but unbecoming of a state premier, especially a premier whose own government’s ineptitude largely contributed to the state’s health crisis.
Victorians might well reply, “Good morning to everyone except those who can’t recall and can’t remember.”
After bungling hotel quarantine and then claiming to have amnesia about how it happened, it is not unreasonable to expect that Andrews would now lead with humility and a degree of circumspection.
Something about masked people in glass houses?
But when not even the deaths of more than 800 Victorians have managed to put a dint in your approval ratings, well, humility is for losers.
So it was ‘good morning to everyone except those stupid fools who don’t do exactly as I, Your Supreme Overlord, dictate’.
Victoria’s Tweeter-in-Chief managed to channel all of Trump’s divisiveness and none of Trump’s wit.
“Good morning future Prime Minister of Australia” replied one of Dictator Dan’s disciples on Twitter.
Another replied with total sincerity (and I promise I’m not making this up): “Daddy Dan you make my day so much better.”
Others complimented Daddy Dan on being “badass”. They posted photos of fellow citizens – the kind of citizens Daniel Andrews would choose not to greet in the mornings – who had failed to cover their nostrils as mandated.
They might have asked their masked hero how it was that he could take credit for having eliminated the virus while at the same time making people wear masks so as to not contract it.
They might also have asked why it was that Victorians, with no Covid cases for a month, were still being subjected to harsh rules like the compulsory wearing of face nappies indoors or in close proximity to others when people in other states were not.
Dictator Dan was too busy Tweeting contempt for his constituents to think about such things.
So shut up and pull your mask over your nose, Victorians, or don’t expect any “top of the morning to you” from the Premier.
But if the cocky Premier is going to use the novel coronavirus to suggest novel ways in which to greet – or not greet – Victorians, we have some greetings that Victorians not suffering from Helsinki Syndrome might like to use in response.
“Good morning to everyone except Premiers with dictatorial tendencies and a penchant for cringe-worthy tweets”, is a succinct reply.
And “Good morning to everyone except socialist dictators” works well, although this greeting may cause confusion as to whether one is snubbing Daniel Andrews or his closed-border loving colleague Anastacia Pałaszczuk.
“Good morning to everyone except those who caused the death of more than 800 Victorians” leaves no doubt about whose hand you won’t shake.
Other cheery greetings to begin the day on the right note could include:
“Good morning to everyone except those responsible for one of the longest lockdowns in the world.”
“Good morning to everyone except the genius responsible for plunging Victoria into $155b worth of debt.”
“Good morning to everyone except those who insist ‘we are all in this together’ before creating division in the community by tweeting petty insults.”
“Good morning to everyone except those who stupidly hired security guards in order to feather the nest of their union mates.”
And, of course, “Good morning to everyone except Premiers too proud to co-operate with the Federal Government and too quick to bend over for the Chinese Communist Party.”
Perhaps it is the fear of such retorts that makes Dictator Dan so keen to muzzle citizens with masks that will make it difficult for their complaints to be heard. Not that’s he’s listening.
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