Guest Notes

Australian notes

16 December 2017

9:00 AM

16 December 2017

9:00 AM

Watching the feral soap-dodgers


Any other celebrity would be dozing in the VIP lounge, but I write from Sydney Airport where I’m plotting which country I will conquer next. I say ‘conquer’ because for a person who barely even mentioned Australia before December 2017, I received something of a hero’s welcome on my 8-stop, 5-city sellout tour, which grossed over $1.2 million and saw me playing to over 12,500 people.

I hate to brag. But I bring these numbers up to demonstrate to sceptical readers how desperate Australians, in common with Americans, Canadians and Europeans, are for media personalities prepared to speak truth to power and call our new social-justice overlords what they are: hideous, entitled failures.

If you came to one of my shows, you’ll know that I don’t pull my punches. I am gauche. Rude, even! I call people names and suggest they are unfit for intercourse. I mock cultures, religions, belief systems and body mass indexes. Since you are Spectator Australia readers and therefore erudite, discerning and of elegant tastes, you may come down on the side of my new friend Andrew Bolt and find the whole spectacle of MILO unseemly and discomfiting.

But if you want to feel really uncomfortable, ask yourselves why a supposed clown like me might be necessary in the first place. I’m not the best educated, most handsome, funniest, cleverest or most prolific star. (Though I’m not bad at being handsome.) I’m not the most gifted media critic, nor the most polished stage performer.

But it’s me, and not any of the stuffy Commentary or National Review writers in the United States who has captured the imagination and attention of conservatives under 45 – the sort of young right-wingers who don’t watch TV or read newspapers or magazines and who are desperate for champions.

Because they haven’t had many of them growing up. Imagine you’re a young man in the US with centre-right tendencies who wants to watch a bit of comedy and social commentary on TV. What is there? The Left has John Oliver, Bill Maher, all the late-night talk show hosts… but what do we have on the Right? Nothing. Not one show.

That’s what I’m trying to provide with my books and my tours – and the fans are lapping it up. They’ve never before seen a conservative who looks good, sounds good and so clearly has a lot of fun while of course doing his bit to save Western civilisation, defend capitalism and free expression, explain why abortion is evil and wrong and advocate for lower taxes, a smaller state and less pointlessly restrictive gun laws.

During my tour, the Australian far-Left showed us who they were, throwing rocks at the police, beating up journalists and using violence as a go-to response to ideas they don’t like. I don’t hold views that aren’t shared by millions of Aussies and hundreds of millions of Americans. But you wouldn’t know that, to watch the feral soap-dodgers outside my Melbourne and Sydney shows.

Journalists, too, showed us their true colours, booking and then un-booking me on their shows. When they came to my press conference at Parliament House, someone from Fairfax Media took a photo of the half-empty room before I arrived and tweeted it, pretending that no one had shown up. Actually, it was standing room only, as later news reports showed.

Vanishingly few conservatives have responded to this sort of fake news and to bogus allegations of racism and sexism with a simple ‘f–k you’ before. But that’s what I do, demonstrating that bullies only have the power you give them.

Australia is a country populated by terrifying, poisonous creatures with names like ‘Jessica Rowe’ and ‘Waleed Aly’. You don’t respond to poisonous creatures by putting out food and water in your back yard, hoping they will kill you last. You grab them and crush them at the first sign of trouble.

Older Australian conservatives might cringe at some of my jokes, or wish I’d be a bit nicer to those poor misguided fools of the modern feminist movement. But conservatives tried playing nicely for 30 years. It didn’t work.

This is the age of unapologetic conservative and libertarian hell-raisers, and if you’re not with us, you’re as bad as the NeverTrump movement in the United States, who think that my mean words are somehow just as bad as the bile and vitriol and physical violence from the Left. That’s how badly these losers have been co-opted by political correctness.

The progressive Left doesn’t honour the rules of engagement. They understand we are locked in a struggle for the soul of the west. They act accordingly, founding university departments and think tanks and infiltrating media, entertainment, politics and the academy. For the last two generations, conservatives have sat back and allowed them to do it.

Soft-left news organizations like the ABC who give screen time to idiots like Clementine Ford are complicit in spreading conspiracy theories and hateful, divisive far-Left politics and they must be held to greater account. Conservatives should switch off and demand that their public funding is cut.

If more people dismissed media malcontents with the sort of contempt I show on stage, instead of cowering in fear at being called a racist or a sexist, we’d have those professional victims of the establishment exactly where we want them: too terrified to show their faces and booed and hissed at by the rest of us, who demand facts, logic, persuasion and charm, and who decline to be bullied and intimidated by leftist cultural thugs any longer.

So that’s my message, really. Wake up, Aussie ratbags, and start fighting fire with fire.

Or you’ll wake up one day and discover the Australia you loved is gone forever. See you next year.

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