Darth Vader is dirty and it’s not just me that thinks so

As well as being filthy, Stars Wars taught Hollywood how to make children’s films for adults and they’ve never looked back

12 December 2015

9:00 AM

12 December 2015

9:00 AM

Malcolm Tucker delivered the best description of Star Wars, in The Thick of It: ‘The one about the fucking hairdresser, the space hairdresser, and the cowboy. The guy, he’s got a tinfoil pal and a pedal bin. His father’s a robot and he’s fucking fucked his sister. Lego, they’re all made of fucking Lego.’ He didn’t mention that Star Wars is really about Henry Kissinger.

It was written by George Lucas, grossed $33 billion over six films, with merchandise, founded a new and stupid religion called Jedi, which, in the 2001 census 0.8 per cent of the population of England and Wales said they identified with, and invented the Star Wars convention where you can, as I did, meet the man who operated Jabba the Hutt’s left arm. The seventh film — The Force Awakens, the first in a third trilogy — opens this month. How to explain it to Spectator readers who have not seen it, because they are good at life and do not need it?

It is a fairy tale, inspired by Lawrence of Arabia, by James Bond (but I can’t see it), by 2001: A Space Odyssey, and by J.R.R Tolkien. A young man (Luke Skywalker, a plank, like Frodo in Lord of the Rings, because everyone can identify with a plank) grows up during a Manichaean struggle. The evil Galactic Empire is really Nixon’s America, and it is bad; the Republican rebels are really the Vietcong, and they are good. When Walter Cronkite praised Star Wars, which surprised the people involved, because they thought it was junk and said so — ‘George, you can type this shit, but you sure can’t say it,’ said Harrison Ford (Han Solo, the cowboy) — I do not think he knew that.

The Emperor Palpatine is Richard Nixon and his enforcer Darth Vader is Henry Kissinger, but he breathes like JFK. Everyone — everyone — has noticed that Darth Kissinger looks like a big black sex toy, which is why I mention it. (I am a journalist. I am supposed to be observant and I certainly observed that.) Vader is, essentially, a perv Henry Kissinger. To repeat: Darth Vader is dirty and it’s not just me that thinks so. Lucas was so in denial about his filth creation he banned all sex-themed Star Wars ‘fan fiction’.

Luke is armed with knowledge of ‘the Force’ — this part is hippy — by the Gandalf-esque Jedi wizard Obi-Wan Kenobi. He was played by Alec Guinness, who wailed to a friend from the set, ‘New rubbish dialogue reaches me every other day on wodges of pink paper — and none of it makes my character clear or even bearable.’ He recovered by spending his 0.25 per cent of the profits in the Connaught. Luke then battles with his father Darth Kissinger.

The most obvious problems in the films are: why can’t Imperial Stormtroopers shoot straight? Are they hippies? They shoot like hippies. Are they stoned? Why is a Republican rebellion against the evil Galactic Empire led by a woman called ‘Princess’ (Leia, the hairdresser, who is wearing hair earmuffs). Haven’t they missed something essential about a Republic?

Why does the evil Galactic Empire’s greatest weapon, the Death Star — or ‘flying pillbox’ — have a hole large enough to accommodate enemy missiles next to its main power source? I am not an engineer and even I wouldn’t do something that stupid, particularly if I worked for Darth Kissinger. Also — why isn’t the Millennium Falcon called the Millennium Pigeon? Quibbles. Star Wars made $33 billion because you can understand it in Russian when you can’t speak Russian. I saw the sixth Star Wars movie, Revenge of the Sith, in Kiev, where I was reporting on the Eurovision Song Contest. (I say this not to enlighten you about anything in particular, but to make the editor of this magazine jealous.) It was completely in Russian and in a scene between Anakin Skywalker (the youthful Kissinger) and Padmé Amidala, his unlucky wife, she said, ‘I don’t know you anymore, Anakin.’ I don’t know how I knew she said that because I don’t understand Russian. But I did. And when I returned to London I watched the film in English, just to check. And she did say, ‘I don’t know you anymore, Anakin.’ That everyone lands on the planet of the teddy bears at the end is not a mistake, although Darth Kissinger probably was. Star Wars taught Hollywood to make children’s films for adults and never stop. There are no action figures of the cast of Chinatown, and there never will be.

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  • Wobbly chops

    Tell me you didn’t pay money for this.

  • Tony

    How can people get paid to write this crap

  • Brilliant.

  • Migru Ghee

    If Tolkien had lived to witness the rise of the quasi-buddhist Jedi religion, he would have added a couple of Fritz Lang robots to his tales to emphasise the fact that machines not Orcs are the greatest cultural threat hollowing out life in the shires as we once knew it.

  • fundamentallyflawed

    “founded a new and stupid religion called Jedi” – all religions to a non-believer can be considered stupid. Just because you don’t agree with this one doesn’t mean you have the right to devalue it

    • Hamburger

      It is particularly stupid.

  • Tamerlane

    But what if Lucas knows something you don’t?

  • Malcolm Stevas

    Who is Tanya Gold, why has she been let out of school to pen this bilge, and did she sleep with the Editor to get to do this apology for a review? I can do better – much better. Seriously. But I want paying with money, not the Editor’s body. I saw the original Star Wars at the Dominion, Tottenham Court Road, and thought it a pretty good visualisation of classic 1940s/50s space opera, great fun too. It doesn’t need all this 6th-formey fey twaddle to review it.

  • Nick

    Me and the missus are going to watch the movie on Thursday,but what worries me as an avid Star Wars fan is this Kylo Ren character.Because from what I’ve seen of his outfit,hear gear and mask is that he looks like a cheap version of a Darth Vader rip off.

    And that concerns me because I want this movie to be good.

    Also,the three prequels were okay.Brilliant effects and all that.But they all lacked the awesome presence of Darth Vader from start to finish and they lacked the menace that his presence provided as it swirled through the story.

    I really hope that I’m not disappointed on Thursday.

    • Altesegel

      I was, I thought it was absolute bollox. Never again….

      • Nick

        I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy the movie.Got to say that me and the missus really enjoyed it and that is saying something for my missus as she doesn’t care much for sci-fi.

  • Wasmopolitan

    Darth Vader is blonde. No, Star Wars isn’t for .

  • Mary Ann

    Ron Hubbard said he started scientology to make money out of gullible fools, Lucas did at least produce a lot of entertainment out of Jedism. I know which I prefer.

  • thomasaikenhead

    This ignorant and hysterical article posing as a film review/journalism by Tanya Gold only serves to highlight her ignorance and prejudice.

    She totally fails to understand the references in the whole Star Wars story.

    It is the Jedi, not the Sith, who are the evil force!

    PS. Nobody who knows anything ever pondered over the origins of Luke Skywalker, the Dutch word for ‘father’ is Vader’!

  • Edward Studor

    Try again Tanya. Your post-post-post modernist review was somewhat wanting.
    ‘founded a new and stupid religion called Jedi’. If you’d have given it a moments thought you’d have known how silly that sentiment is. Is there any religion that’s not ‘stupid’?

  • hesychast

    and football. what’s that all about. They’re just knocking a leather ball around – nothing worthwhile is achieved. And nail extensions they’re stupid. why does anybody do anything really? I mean really.

  • Chris

    “…inspired by Lawrence of Arabia, by James Bond (but I can’t see it), by 2001: A Space Odyssey, and by J.R.R Tolkien.”

    No, it’s Kurosawa’s “Forbidden Fortress” meets “633 Squadron” with elements of “Dune”.

    Casual can’t even troll well.

    • aspeckofboggart

      Come now. More people are familiar with her listing than your put-upon hard-forged lineage.

    • Anonymous Coward

      Isn’t it “Hidden Fortress”?

  • jim

    Stars Wars taught Hollywood how to make children’s films for adults and they’ve never looked back”
    Some of us are looking back .A glance at The Maltese Falcon,The Mask Of Dimitrios,Build My Gallows High can show us what a popular Hollywood entertainment once looked like. By the Seventies those entertainments had been tossed aside in favour of fashionable cynicism from middle class film school students with no life experience at all, but at least they wanted to make films for grown ups….. Star Wars was the worst thing that could happen.A lobotomy for cinema . Then in the eighties came StalloneSchwarzenneger reducing the traditional male virtues to the level of violent cartoons ,a vertiginous collapse from the quiet confidence of a MitchumBronsonEastwood etc. Irony and tedious meta geekery were just around the corner with Tarantino & co. It was from here only a short step to our present feminised, metrosexualized, homosexualized, trannified nadir.
    No point trying to spin an interesting subtext for this stuff. It’s all about creating product lines for kiddie flics .The pigeon english dialogue is easily dubbed for international audiences and children will happily pay to see them over and over again.That’s all it is and if Hollywood had worked out in the forties just how much money there was in this scam they’d have never bothered making anything else.

  • Tony

    She changed the headline to get more hits. So sad.

    • Notsuoh

      Editors, not columnists, come up with the heds.

  • mahatmacoatmabag

    Wishing all readers & the staff of the Spectator a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year 2016.

  • blandings

    “why can’t Imperial Stormtroopers shoot straight?”

    Red indians had the same problem. I think the answer is fairly obvious.

  • So Nixon and Kessinger who actually had saved South Vietnam and brought China and North Vietnam to their knees and not wanting anymore war, were more evil than the Democrats who, once Nixon was gone (for far less Scandal than Obama), cut all funding to South Vietnam and let it fall to the Communists which resulted in genocide with 3 million dead in Vietnam and Cambodia?

    Tell us again WHY you are cheering for the Oligarchies of China and North Vietnam (more like an Empire which is an oligarchy) instead of a real Republic?

    The only thing that is more annoying than American Libtards are British Libtards!

    It’s helpful to address the confusion that has been spread about the political spectrum. Many have been led to believe that the political spectrum place groups such as communist on the far left, fascists or dictators on the far right, and political moderates or centrists in the middle. However, a MORE ACCURATE political spectrum will show government having zero power on the far right and to having 100% power on the far left. At the extreme right there is no government; the extreme left features total government under such labels as Communism, Socialism, Nazism, Fascism, princes, potentates, dictators, kings . . . any form of total government. Those who claim that Nazis and Fascists are right wing never define their terms. This amounts to spreading confusion. Towards the middle of the political spectrum can be found the type of Government limited to its proper role of protecting the rights of the people. That’s where the Constitution of the United States is. Those who advocate such a form of Government are Constitutional Moderates.

    Many Americans would be surprised to learn that the word Democracy does not appear in the Declaration of Independence or the US Constitution. Nor does it appear in any of the Constitutions of the 50 States. The founders did everything they could to keep us from having a Democracy.

    James Madison rightly known as the Father of the Constitution wrote in essay 10 of The Federalist Papers: “. . . democracies have ever been spectacles of turbulence and contention; have ever been found incompatible with personal security or the rights of property, and in general have been as short in their lives as they have been violent in their deaths.”

    Alexander Hamilton agreed and he stated, “We are a Republican Government. Real liberty is never found in the despotism or in the extremes of Democracy.”

    Samuel Adams, a signer of the Declaration of Independence, stated, “Democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself.”

    A true Republic is one where the Government is limited by law, leaving the people alone.

    America’s founders had a clean slate to write on; they could have set up an Oligarchy, in fact there were some who wanted George Washington to be their King, but the founding Fathers knew history and chose to give us the rule of law in a Republic, not the rule of the majority in a Democracy.


    Let’s demonstrate the difference in the setting of the Old West:

    Consider a lynch mob in a Democracy: 35 horseback riders chase one lone gunman; they catch him, and they vote 35 to 1 to hang him. Democracy has triumphed and there is one less gunman to contend with.

    Now consider the same scenario in a Republic: The 35 horseback riders catch the gunman and vote 35 to 1 to hang him, but the Sheriff arrives and he says, “You can’t kill him, he’s got his right to a fair trial!”

    So they take the gunman back to town. A jury of his peers is selected, and they hear the evidence and the defense and they decide if he shall hang. Does the jury even decide by majority rule? No, it has to be unanimous, or he goes free. The rights of the gunman are not subject to majority rule, but to the law. This is the essence of a Republic!