Low life

Knife skills for eight-year-olds

28 April 2018 9:00 am

Pig’s trotters. Lamb’s feet stuffed with their brains. Flayed wild rabbits, all sinew, muscle and eyeballs. Nude chickens with flopping…

Brexit for eight-year-olds

21 April 2018 9:00 am

A week ago I plucked my eight-year-old grandson Oscar from the bosom of his rumbustious young family and took him…

I’ve developed a fascination for anti-terrorist security officers

14 April 2018 9:00 am

A pair of anti-terrorism officers watched us check through into the boarding lounge. They stood behind the easyJet woman and…

I try to cut the hypocrisy when speaking to my boy – but it’s tough sometimes

7 April 2018 9:00 am

My boy rang the other night. He said he and his wife had bought tickets to see Ed Sheeran at…

The black art of acting

31 March 2018 9:00 am

I go to the theatre but rarely because I am overpowered by even mediocre acting and find it exhausting. Theatre…

Has Provence cured my cancer?

24 March 2018 9:00 am

During the past three years I have spent quite a bit of time in a rented house in Provence. Volets…

Me, General de Gaulle and an elderly barbecued lesbian

17 March 2018 9:00 am

The flight from Gatwick to France was cancelled and there was no prospect of another for three days. Paddington station…

Was the easyJet representative a fascist?

10 March 2018 9:00 am

Earbuds in. Speed walking to Grant Lazlo’s ‘Heard It Through The Grapevine’. A corridor, a left fork, a moving walkway,…

From the First Battle of Ypres to Brexit

3 March 2018 9:00 am

Poperinghe, Bailleul, Wytschaete, Gheluvelt, Ploegsteert, Messines, Zonnebeke, Passchendaele. The other week I grandiosely claimed that I have been reading about…

The vomit-cleaners of YouTube

24 February 2018 9:00 am

My hangover was what the great Kingsley Amis describes in his Everyday Drinking guide as a ‘metaphysical’ hangover. Apart from…

Even the BBC’s recipes are politically correct

17 February 2018 9:00 am

I’m cooking almost full-time for my poor old Mum and learning on the job: shepherd’s pie, roast pork, cauliflower cheese.…

Seeing Nelson in a new light

10 February 2018 9:00 am

I picked up my grandson from his mother’s flat and noticed the change in him the second I clapped eyes…

My Burns Night haircut

3 February 2018 9:00 am

At three o’clock I took half a bottle of Glenmorangie with me to Jimmy’s. That it was Burns Night, and…

Two documentaries have made me determined to visit America’s Deep South before I die

27 January 2018 9:00 am

‘ESTA refused,’ said the email from the official website of the US Department of Homeland Security. Franklin Roosevelt once said…

Jeremy Clarke: The power of ‘Bonjour’

20 January 2018 9:00 am

In France, or in Provence at least, polite rule number one is to say hello. You must offer a distinct…

Jeremy Clarke: Escaping from Colditz with Professor Brian Cox

13 January 2018 9:00 am

By New Year’s Day I’d had enough of festivities. Instead of getting out of bed, I turned over, put my…

Jeremy Clarke: How I lost an afternoon to two magnums of mid-range champagne

6 January 2018 9:00 am

As I stood there, I was reminded of the man of no fixed abode who, several years back, aged 68,…

Jeremy Clark: Was this a cruise ship — or Colditz?

16 December 2017 9:00 am

We ascended the gangplank and were smartly directed to the ship’s library, where the seated purser swiped my debit card…

How a human body burns

9 December 2017 9:00 am

I took a dab of antiseptic gel and rubbed my hands together. ‘Alone tonight, sir?’ said the charming head waiter.…

The pure joy of a boring car

2 December 2017 9:00 am

My pal Charlie inherited a car and a ride-on mower from an old pal. He kept the mower and the…

Treble doubles, shattered glass and a copper on the doorstep

25 November 2017 9:00 am

The door to Trev’s flat was open so I walked in and found him on the sofa watching TV. He…

Was there pleasure at Passchendaele?

18 November 2017 9:00 am

At ten to eleven we filed outside the church and assembled in the graveyard around a small cenotaph commemorating the…

A lament for the best pub in Devon

11 November 2017 9:00 am

We had a hyperbole competition, the taxi driver and I, over the climbing full moon, clearer and brighter than either…

The perils of the boar-hunting season

4 November 2017 9:00 am

The French countryside around here is teeming with wild boar. They visit the shack at night to eat the pansies…

Low life

28 October 2017 9:00 am

Last May we had dinner with a comic who reads a lot and his wife. At one point, he told…