Notes on…
A goth’s guide to witches
Being a goth has its advantages, not least the opportunity to meet lots of witches. One is River Jordan, who…
Why are people surprised when animals defend themselves?
Should Altai the tiger be euthanised? Hardly the cheeriest way to start, I know, but since he mauled a man…
I miss knowing my friends’ addresses
Do you know your friends’ addresses? Do you even have an address book? I’ve had the same one since I…
Gentlemen prefer pickled onion Monster Munch
In the 1970s and 1980s, pickled onions lurked in dubious-looking jars on the counters of fish-and-chip shops, and behind the…
Forget Piddington, here are the real micronations
While last week’s majority vote by the inhabitants of Piddington in Oxfordshire to seek independence from Britain was a stunt…
The secret to creating instant atmosphere in your novel
‘In the distance a dog barks.’ When I read that sentence recently, in Sworn to Silence by Linda Castillo, it…
Forget sturgeon caviar – go for lumpfish
Pity the poor lumpfish. It’s lumbered with an unflattering name, or its equally unattractive moniker: ‘Sucker fish.’ It also looks…
Help! My shoes hurt
Last week, aged 26, I bought myself my first pair of shoes. Before now, I have relied on the Magic…
I’m a grockle and proud
‘How long have they been here?’ ‘Three generations.’ ‘Ah, just grockles, then.’ Exchanges such as this must have taken place…
Picking mulberries is my rebellion against modernity
Behind the ticket booth at Levens Hall, Cumbria, is an old black mulberry tree (Morus nigra) that vastly improves the…
Don’t grow a beard
I was looking at a photo of my great-grandfather the other day and admiring his beard. A magnificent spade-shaped affair,…
Puttshack has ruined crazy golf
It is a great family disappointment that I could never get into golf. My late grandfather would become so engrossed…
There’s no excuse for a plastic plant
Monstera deliciosa, otherwise known as the Swiss cheese plant, is perhaps the most popular houseplant of them all, probably because…
Are you a party bore?
Some years ago, I managed to get an invitation to a very exclusive party. One of the guests was Prince…
The ruinous addictiveness of Panini stickers
You could attempt to interest your kids in the World Cup by introducing them to Panini stickers. Or you may…
Should politicians have tans?
The cult economist Adam Tooze generally discusses matters far beyond my understanding on his podcast Ones and Tooze. While roasting…
The ADHD-ification of squishy toys
‘Feeling a bit stressed or anxious? Want to practise more mindfulness? Looking for good vibes and your best mellow and…
Is the Princess of Wales watermaxxing?
It’s no secret that the royals struggle with relatability. But every so often, they stumble upon a PR masterstroke, almost…
The glorious silliness of tribute band names
Seeing a tribute band can be a strange experience. There are your heroes on stage once more, magically rejuvenated and…
My love for black and white birds
All my life I have been obsessed by black and white birds. Magpies are my tormentors, my morning omens of…
Tequila slammers all round!
‘Tequila, it makes me happy,/ Con Tequila it feels fine’ goes the student anthem by Terrorvision. It is midnight, somewhere…
Why budgerigars are the perfect pets
Geoff Capes, two-time winner of The World’s Strongest Man competition, weighing in at 27 stone, was a budgie fancier. He…
Forties’ love: tennis serves me a perfect midlife crisis
There comes a time when every man must choose how to tackle an impending midlife crisis. A Maserati? A marathon?…
Make the fez great again
Ireturned from a recent holiday to Morocco with three mementos: a bright red pair of swimming trunks (teenager-sized; the largest…
