Notes on…
The secret to creating instant atmosphere in your novel
‘In the distance a dog barks.’ When I read that sentence recently, in Sworn to Silence by Linda Castillo, it…
Forget sturgeon caviar – go for lumpfish
Pity the poor lumpfish. It’s lumbered with an unflattering name, or its equally unattractive moniker: ‘Sucker fish.’ It also looks…
Help! My shoes hurt
Last week, aged 26, I bought myself my first pair of shoes. Before now, I have relied on the Magic…
I’m a grockle and proud
‘How long have they been here?’ ‘Three generations.’ ‘Ah, just grockles, then.’ Exchanges such as this must have taken place…
Picking mulberries is my rebellion against modernity
Behind the ticket booth at Levens Hall, Cumbria, is an old black mulberry tree (Morus nigra) that vastly improves the…
Don’t grow a beard
I was looking at a photo of my great-grandfather the other day and admiring his beard. A magnificent spade-shaped affair,…
Puttshack has ruined crazy golf
It is a great family disappointment that I could never get into golf. My late grandfather would become so engrossed…
There’s no excuse for a plastic plant
Monstera deliciosa, otherwise known as the Swiss cheese plant, is perhaps the most popular houseplant of them all, probably because…
Are you a party bore?
Some years ago, I managed to get an invitation to a very exclusive party. One of the guests was Prince…
The ruinous addictiveness of Panini stickers
You could attempt to interest your kids in the World Cup by introducing them to Panini stickers. Or you may…
Should politicians have tans?
The cult economist Adam Tooze generally discusses matters far beyond my understanding on his podcast Ones and Tooze. While roasting…
The ADHD-ification of squishy toys
‘Feeling a bit stressed or anxious? Want to practise more mindfulness? Looking for good vibes and your best mellow and…
Is the Princess of Wales watermaxxing?
It’s no secret that the royals struggle with relatability. But every so often, they stumble upon a PR masterstroke, almost…
The glorious silliness of tribute band names
Seeing a tribute band can be a strange experience. There are your heroes on stage once more, magically rejuvenated and…
My love for black and white birds
All my life I have been obsessed by black and white birds. Magpies are my tormentors, my morning omens of…
Tequila slammers all round!
‘Tequila, it makes me happy,/ Con Tequila it feels fine’ goes the student anthem by Terrorvision. It is midnight, somewhere…
Why budgerigars are the perfect pets
Geoff Capes, two-time winner of The World’s Strongest Man competition, weighing in at 27 stone, was a budgie fancier. He…
Forties’ love: tennis serves me a perfect midlife crisis
There comes a time when every man must choose how to tackle an impending midlife crisis. A Maserati? A marathon?…
Make the fez great again
Ireturned from a recent holiday to Morocco with three mementos: a bright red pair of swimming trunks (teenager-sized; the largest…
Who cares if fridge magnets are naff?
Let’s dispense with the obvious question first. Are they common? While there’s a clear temptation to consult Nicky Haslam on…
In defence of celebrity rosé
Alan Watkins, the late parliamentary sketch writer, told a story about his time on the Sunday Express in the 1960s.…
The joy of liquorice
‘I’ll swap you two of my rolls for three of your spogs.’ That was the sort of thing you’d hear…
Americans will never understand Marmite
‘I fucking hate Marmite,’ said Andy McLeod, a young ad man who at some point in the mid-1990s was tasked…
A journey to the dark side of the Moon
The climax of the Artemis II mission lasted just a few hours. The capsule, named Integrity, rounded the Moon, the…
Who would ever run a marathon?
Like many good ideas, the London marathon was conceived over a drink in a pub. Inspired by their experience running…
