As seen on X

‘Subversive.’ With this word I sign off my vitriolic X reply to Beth Rigby, who has once again failed to endorse Restore Britain live on Sky News. With the monthly online-right Folkmoot taking place this afternoon at the Boar’s Head on Stockport high street, a show of force like this would be essential in rallying the troops.

For the troops were wavering. Rupert Lowe has been making a series of alarming gaffes of late – distancing himself from ethnic nationalism, and indeed, national socialism. It came as a great shock to us that this 68-year-old business associate of Rishi Sunak’s wife and personal friend of much of the Conservative front bench had failed to endorse either of these platforms. As deputy of communications for Restore’s South-East Manchester branch, it has fallen to me to reassure my frightened flock.

‘I don’t know… I just feel that Rupert may have… fallen,’ says Tom Heatherspoon, known as Lincolnshire_Yeoman on X, staring down at his bitter shandy. I trot out one of my pre-prepared lines. ‘Mate, listen, I see where you’re coming from, yeah.’ I clear my throat. ‘Restore is only six months old. There were always going to be teething problems. All I’d say, mate, is please just give us some time while we sort through them, yeah?’

Lincolnshire_Yeoman nods slowly. I decide to press my advantage. ‘The thing you’ve got to remember, yeah, is that our guys are on the ball with this stuff. The Zoomer right. They say that Rupert is about to apologise for the Soviet occupation of Berlin on behalf of Restore Britain!’

UK_Ferret444, also known as Colin Samuels, crosses his arms. ‘Yeah mate, but when? You’ve been promising things like this for months now.’ Wotan’s beard! I knew UK_Ferret444 might be difficult, but I never thought it’d be this bad.

I flash a winsome smile. ‘Sure mate, sure. But just wait till you hear this. I have it on good authority that Rupert is about to make a big announcement about the need to ban schools from serving curry, pad thai and other subversive slop.’

UK_Ferret444 looks unmoved. Lincolnshire_Yeoman slumps dejectedly. It’s not going to plan at all. Suddenly my good friend Saxon_Rage, real name Jimmy Sport, chimes in: ‘So chaps, how about we drain our pints, then go blow up a police station!’

The assembled Anglos look at him quizzically. ‘And before we do that,’ Saxon_Rage continues, ‘how about we all write down our real names and addresses in my special book, as a sort of team-building exercise!’

I smile indulgently at Saxon_Rage. It is only a month since we met in a Discord chat, but we’ve already become close friends. ‘I’m really in the mood to violate Section 5 of the Public Order Act 1986, pertaining to harassment, alarm or distress,’ he chirps. ‘How about it, lads? Shall we just bloody crack on with it?’

‘What was your name again, mate?’ UK_Ferret444 asks.

A show of force at the Boar’s Head would be essential in rallying the troops

‘Oh, I’m Bill – er, sorry, Sam. J- J- James? JIMMY!’ he exclaims, sounding relieved. ‘Yes, my name is actually Jimmy. That’s definitely my name.’ He glances at me furtively.

‘Don’t worry mate,’ I say. ‘It’s okay to be nervous. This is your first Folkmoot, after all.’ Jimmy smiles wanly. A sort of static noise starts emanating from his pocket, and Jimmy fiddles with the earpiece he always seems to be wearing.

Oh dear. Jimmy isn’t helping things. But I have one last card to play.

‘And don’t forget, lads. For just £800,000, Restore Britain was able to produce a 218-page report on the rape gangs, recapitulating articles in the Telegraph. That’s £3,700 per page – a bargain – replete with quotes by Nietzsche and Albert Einstein, and unsubstantiated claims about atrocity livestreams. If we could just get Rupert through at least one interview without him claiming nobody in India received the Covid vaccine, I think we’ve got a real chance of taking power.’