Simon Stiell, the UN’s High Commissioner of Climate Alarmism – or, more officially, Executive Secretary of the UN Framework Convention on Climate Change – has touched down in Australia. The carbon footprint from his first-class jaunt, stretching over 17,000 kilometres, would make a coal train blush. But never mind that – he’s here to save us from ourselves.

According to Stiell, Australia is failing to ‘lift its clean-energy ambitions’. If we don’t act – and act now – the world will ‘overheat’ and fruit will become a ‘once a year treat’.

Yes, he really said that.

Bananas? Banned. Cherries? Cherished relics. Mangoes? Museum pieces.

Welcome to the UN’s fruity dystopia, brought to you by the man who probably owns the highest personal carbon footprint per capita in the entire nation of Grenada – population 125,000, minus one airborne emissary.

Let’s break this down.

Mr Stiell’s mission is not to curb emissions, but to perpetuate the climate bureaucracy. That means endless meetings, endless summits, and endless speeches about ‘ambition pathways’, ‘just transitions’, and now, fruit shortages. It’s climate theatre, and Stiell plays the starring role – funded by taxpayers around the globe, luxuriating in diplomatic immunity and elite travel.

He doesn’t take Zoom calls. No, he must travel. The atmosphere, it seems, only warms when Australians drive utes, not when UN officials fly first class to conferences that produce little more than glossy communiqués and meaningless targets.

And what, exactly, is Australia being asked to do? We produce around 1 per cent of global greenhouse gas emissions. If we shut down our economy entirely, the result would be negligible – so negligible, in fact, that if Australia were annexed tomorrow by China (which opens a new coal plant every week), global emissions would rise. And Simon Stiell wouldn’t say a word. Not one.

Why? Because the UN doesn’t criticise China. That would be impolite. And, more to the point, it would be dangerous to the institutional sinecures of the UN. China doesn’t fund UN conferences. It doesn’t host them. It doesn’t offer plush posts to retiring climate diplomats. But Australia? Australia will sit in the front pew and nod politely while being told to repent for its energy sins.

Meanwhile, Simon Stiell is a bishop of this carbon church. And his sermons grow more apocalyptic by the day.

Now, let us pause and consider the ‘once a year’ fruit prophecy. What does it even mean? Is Stiell suggesting that the climate crisis will reduce global horticulture to a Dickensian Christmas treat? Or that strawberries will become the new caviar? This is not science. This is theatre. And it’s performed with a straight face, as if the laws of agricultural supply chains, refrigeration, irrigation, and trade agreements will all collapse because Australia hasn’t installed enough wind turbines.

It’s not just laughable – it’s offensive. Because while Stiell monologues about mangoes, ordinary Australians are being hit with soaring power bills, unreliable electricity, and endless guilt trips. Farmers are being regulated to death. Industries are being strangled. And none of it will change the climate.

Let me say that again, slowly: none of it will change the climate. Not one decimal point. Not one degree. Not one fruit.

But the UN doesn’t care about outcomes – only process. That’s what sustains the bureaucracy. The climate must always be on the verge of collapse, just as fruit must always be on the brink of extinction. Otherwise, people might stop flying Mr Stiell to summits. And that would be tragic indeed – not for the planet, but for Simon.

We shouldn’t be surprised. This is the same UN that holds COP conferences in luxury resorts while demanding peasant austerity for everyone else. The same body that flies in hundreds of delegates to debate ‘carbon equity’ while the host country builds more airports to accommodate them. The same organisation that talks endlessly about climate ‘resilience’ while exempting itself from scrutiny, sacrifice, or savings.

Simon Stiell isn’t just complicit in this hypocrisy. He is its personification. A man whose entire job is to fly around the world telling others to stop consuming.

And what exactly qualifies him for this role? Before becoming the climate czar of the globe, Stiell was Grenada’s Environment Minister – a charming enough gig, no doubt, involving many reports, few emissions, and zero effect on global temperatures. From there, it was a short hop to UN stardom, where lofty language and untraceable impact are prized far more than accountability or scientific rigour.

Since taking up his post, Stiell has spoken often and glowingly about the need for ‘systemic transformation’, ‘climate equity’, and ‘loss and damage reparations’. Translation: send more money. From Australia. To the UN. To be redistributed according to a set of principles drawn up by … Simon and friends.

It’s a scam. A sanctified, bureaucratic, first-class scam. The kind that only works because ordinary people are too busy working real jobs and paying real bills to notice they’re being lectured by people who contribute nothing but press releases.

If Simon Stiell really believed what he says, he’d live modestly. He’d limit his flights. He’d Zoom his speeches. He’d advocate nuclear power, the only scalable, emissions-free energy source. But he does none of this. Because the game is not about results – it’s about appearances. And nothing looks more ‘important’ than a UN man arriving in a tailored suit, stepping off an Emirates A380, ready to dictate policy to a sovereign nation from a pulpit built on guilt.

The deeper irony? Australia is already a climate leader – despite the rhetoric. We have some of the highest uptake of solar per capita in the world. We’re reducing emissions faster than many so-called champions. And yet we’re told – by a man who personally emits more CO₂ than the average Fijian village – that we are the problem.

Simon Stiell’s carbon footprint alone would make him a major polluter in the Pacific. In fact, in Grenada – where he is officially a citizen – he is, almost certainly, one of the biggest emitters. Per capita? He’s a one-man climate disaster.

And still he lectures.

Mr Stiell, you are welcome to enjoy our sunshine, our free press, and our fruit while it still grows. But spare us the sermons. We see the hypocrisy. We see the futility. And we see the absurdity of asking a small, open economy to carry the moral burden of the world while the real polluters get a diplomatic wink and a cocktail reception.

If the climate truly mattered to you, you’d be advocating for global-scale, technologically realistic solutions such as widespread adoption of nuclear supported by coal – not penalising countries like Australia who fete you because of Mr Bowen’s desperation to host a climate summit. And you’d definitely stop flying around the world blaming the West while ignoring the East.

Until then, Mr Stiell, please take your fruit fearmongering, your climate guilt trips, and your platinum frequent flyer status and park them on a Zoom link. First-class hypocrisy has had its day.

And no – we’re not giving up mangoes.