In Competition No. 3316, you were invited to recast Rishi Sunak’s five pledges in verse form. The tone this week was one of acerbic mischief. A nod to Ann Drysdale, who earns a commendation, and to Elizabeth Bishop, John Masefield and W.S. Gilbert, to whom entries below owe a debt. Prizes of £30 land in the laps of the winners.

Five promises I pledge to save our nation

And just like Half a Sixpence, Half a Crown,

By halves I do things, so I’ll halve inflation

And keep demands for higher wages down.

Our economic record is appalling

But, like Jack’s beanstalk, soon you’ll see it grow.

I’ll make sure that our national debt keeps falling,

And with the magic gold pay all we owe.

Impatient patients feeling ill and sickly

Will queue no more, I’ll sort the wait times out.

Like King Canute, the tides I’ll hold back quickly

And force those little boats to turn about.

Five promises I pledge to save our bacon

Five undertakings you must judge me by,

So trust in me, be bold, be brave and take on

My firm belief that, one day, pigs will fly.

Alan Millard

As some day it may happen an election must be won,

I’ve got a little list – I’ve got a little list,

To tell you all the things I’ll do before this term is done,

Pray listen, I insist – I’m sure you’ll get the gist.

Inflation? Never fear, for I shall cut it down by half,

The cost of living crisis – you can write its epitaph.

The economy will grow, with luck you’ll all be better-off,

Unless it’s just my pals that get their noses in the trough.

The National Debt will fall, and then we’ll all be in the clear,

I’m not sure how, it’s billions up on what we had last year.

The NHS, the waiting lists; we’ve watched the numbers soar,

‘We’re fixing that,’ I said – but hey, perhaps we should do more.

Illegal immigration – yes, my friends, I’ll stop the boats!

Some laws are scarcely legal, but it’s bound to get us votes.

I’m straining every sinew now, my targets to assist,

I’ve got ’em on the list – they’ll none of ’em be missed!

Sylvia Fairley

I must get to the end of the year, to success in my every pledge,

And all I need is inflation halved and voters off the edge,

And the National Debt in a comforting fall and the pundits grinning

And a cheery hail from the Daily Mail, and some hopes of winning.

I must hang on for the end of the year, an economy brightly glowing

With jobs and work for those who might shirk, and the front bench crowing.

And all I ask from the NHS is their waiting list reduction

Via a can-do advance and a let’s-grab-the-chance and no more obstruction.

But first I must down to the seas (again!) to those ever-arriving boats

And push them all back with a judicious smack at anything that floats.

And all I ask is the voters’ thanks and the party (mainly) united

And a few quiet days when I might get some praise and I’d be delighted.

D.A. Prince

Being Mr Fix-It isn’t hard to master;

just make five pledges full of good intent

and meet their targets. You’ll stave off disaster.

The NHS needs more than salve and plaster –

it’s in dire straits, that much is evident.

Being Mr Fix-It isn’t hard to master.

Beat back the migrant boats, and stop them faster,

boost economic growth, stall its descent.

You can fix all, this won’t end in disaster. 

The nation’s debt must shrink, and not grow vaster.

Reduce inflation fifty-plus per cent, 

being Mr Fix-It isn’t hard to master.

Five promises; a solemn, well-meant gesture

to show you’re in control, calm, competent.

The art of fixing things takes time to master.

No reason it should end up in disaster.

Janine Beacham

A dozen was enough when Jehovah did his stuff,

and his son declared that two would draw the line.

Newton’s Laws are three, but the poor old C of E

couldn’t do the job with less than thirty-nine.

Hammurabi’s 2-8-2 told his subjects what to do,

and soccer’s seventeen are none too terse,

but Rishi’s fivefold plan is as compact as the man

and he got the lot into a single verse.

‘Our debt a downward graph and inflation cut in half

with much quicker outcomes in the NHS.

No one will immigrate across the Dover Strait

and economic growth will effervesce.’

A parallel wonderland was proposed by Miliband;

the same five pledges chiselled into gneiss.

In his sixth, Ed had the nuts to undo the housing cuts

but the Nimbys have got Sunak’s in a vice.

Nick MacKinnon

No. 3319: House style

You are invited to supply a description of the house of a well-known figure from the field of fact or fiction (please specify) that provides clues to their personality. Please email entries of up to 150 words to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 27 September.