Just a quick plea to those who know me; if you’re going to burst upon me with a revelation, make it a juicy one, please – preferably sex-related. No gender reveals, no late-onset allergies – and please, most of all, no adult ADHD diagnoses.

Before you start up berating me as lacking in ‘compassion’ and ‘empathy’ (the twin calling cards of contemporary sad-sacks and milk-sops) let me say that I do believe that both allergies and ADHD exist – for a very small minority of unfortunate people. (I’m writing this in bold as I’ve noted from past experience that when people are keen to get their knickers in a twist, they often suffer a simultaneous temporary loss of reading abilities.) But do I believe that most of the people who claim to have them really do have them? Not in a million years.

You’ve heard of luxury beliefs – meet luxury maladies

Remember when no one had ever heard of aloe vera – and then you couldn’t get away from it? One minute everyone thought that ADHD was either a furniture warehouse or an obscure sub-genre of house music – and the next minute one in 20 adults (including Sue Perkins, Heston Blumenthal and Ant McPartlin) in the UK alone has it, according to the ADHD Foundation who have seen a 400 per cent increase in the number of adults contacting them to arrange an assessment since 2020. But only 120,000 of the alleged sufferers have had a formal diagnosis due to ‘combination of poor understanding of the condition and stigma.’ Stigma? That’s like saying there’s a stigma to having a Mulberry handbag.

You’ve heard of luxury beliefs – meet luxury maladies. I wonder how many Ukrainians suffer from ADHD? It’s interesting that interest in this condition has rocketed since lockdown – isn’t it natural that people might get a bit weird, shut up in their padded cells with other people bringing them things, like big frustrated babies? Now the tiniest and most temporary glitches in personality must be pathologised, just as new parents fret over an infant’s every little sniffle. We are turning ourselves into our own precious, fragile babies – which certainly wasn’t my ideal of a grown-up, glamorous life when I was a bored teenager.

The only good thing about this imaginary epidemic are the laughs to be had reading about it. The ADHD Foundation’s online self-assessment includes questions such as ‘How often do you have difficulty keeping your attention when doing boring or repetitive work?’ and ‘How often do you make careless mistakes when you have to work on a boring or difficult project?’ That’s like saying ‘Are you human?’ Amusingly, a TikTok video (ADHD is huge on TikTok – quelle surprise) informs viewers that ‘Six signs you may have adult ADHD’ include losing interest in hobbies, always being late and ‘scrolling TikTok and ignoring texts’ – the first two probably happening due to the third.  Over on Instagram, meanwhile, one ADHD ‘expert’ describes how chronic constipation can be a symptom. Why stop there, how about diarrhoea, piles, the dreaded lurgy? Speak your truth and choose your ailment! ADHD is more strictly defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders; an adult must have at least five symptoms of inattention and/or at least five symptoms of hyperactivity/impulsivity for six months or more ‘to a degree that is inconsistent with the developmental level and negatively impacts social and academic/occupational activities.’ Sternly, the DSM also says several ADHD symptoms should have been noted as present before the age of 12; handily, brain scans do not show the presence of ADHD.

Every emotion must be medicalised now, of course, and I must admit that if I was a doctor being bothered by the monstrous regiments of the Worried Well, I too would be tempted to dose them up and hope they left me alone. But there have been some startling findings about the side effects of the meds most commonly doled out to fidgets – sorry, ‘ADHD sufferers’ – including sleep disturbances, depressed mood and panic attacks, according to the journal Current Medical Research and Opinion. Forty-five per cent reported that their medication increased their impulsivity and mood swings – talk about coals to Newcastle. I think I’d rather be a fidget – but then, I’m not in the habit of being fascinated by my troubles. For five years I suffered chronic insomnia, rarely sleeping more than three hours a night – rather than feel sorry for myself, I called it ‘Extra Life.’ It seems far better now – something I don’t think would have occurred if I’d gone around identifying as ‘An Insomniac’. I have tinnitus – but I don’t think of myself as A Tinnitus Sufferer, just someone with dodgy ears. The same with cocaine – I’m sure one of the reasons I could give it up overnight after 30 years ‘on the gear’ was because I never saw myself as A Drug Addict – just a thrill-seeker with more money than sense.

I can see the day when – like ‘sex addiction’ once was – ADHD becomes a Get Out Of Jail Free card for entitled types seemingly looking for an excuse for alleged bad behaviour. James Watt, the boss of Brewdog, has just announced his ADHD diagnosis, after being accused of bad behaviour and lechery by his employees. The clown actually seems to believe that the condition makes his better than us Normals, bragging:

‘Working with the specialist was really eye opening and after a series of consultations and tests I was diagnosed not only with High Functioning Aspergers (which is on the autism spectrum) but also ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). As a CEO and business leader I am far from alone in being on the autism spectrum – Elon Musk has Asperger’s. The diagnosis gives the me opportunity to continue working with an amazing specialist on fully understanding the implications of my own neuro-diversity and specifically on working hard on the associated blind spots whilst sharpening the gifts that also come with autism and ADHD such as focus, creativity and analysis.’

Even when they’re nice, like Johnny Vegas, I’m suspicious of high-achievers who suddenly rock up with ADHD diagnoses. Vegas has said ‘Everybody has an element of ADHD. But it’s about how strong your filter is. When you don’t have a filter at all, simple things become time-consuming’. But not so time-consuming that he couldn’t achieve excellence in competitive athletics as a teenager, go on to earn a BA in Art at university and be one of this country’s most popular and employed comedians for more than 20 years. There’s something of the Ginger Rogers doing everything Fred Astaire did, but ‘backwards and in heels’ about these celebrity revelations. Look at all this stuff I achieved – and I’m sick, too!

Life was so much cooler before we made every little foible A Thing. When I was growing up, only soldiers had PTSD; now I’ve heard a girl claiming she started up a podcast after she got it when her gran died. Every day I hear that someone who I’d thought was just a bit annoying is ‘on the spectrum’ – the spectrum of what, from being mildly tedious to being an ocean-going bore? Like self-harm and transing, I can’t help but believe that a lot of ‘neuro-diversity’ is an internet-borne virus. Never mind, what today’s youngsters are lacking in the three Rs they’ll be able to make up for with the three As; ADHD, allergies and attention-seeking.