‘I’d like my money back please’ was what I was waiting to tell British Gas, if they ever stopped the deafening rock music of their recorded hold message to answer the phone.

My account was £490 in credit, like it was a savings account. Only it wasn’t a savings account for me, and now energy prices are going up beyond all reason, I’m not going to be so relaxed about these matters. I want my 500 quid back.

They have been over-estimating my usage for too long, despite me diligently giving them my meter readings.

The £2,500 cap announced by the Prime Minister doesn’t mean a damn for me, because it turns out it only applies to those whose usage would never come anywhere near that amount anyway.

If you use more, you pay more. And if you don’t want to use more, you will still pay more, because you can’t tell British Gas that henceforth, from the time of this diabolical increase, you intend to drastically cut your usage.

They are going to bill me based on what I used before, when the price was more reasonable.

My bill is now £3,761.60 a year, or £368 a month, because they are going on my previous usage.

Yes, I want to scream, but now you’ve put the price through the roof I’m not going to use that much any more, am I? Me and the builder boyfriend are going to go without hot water and get as dirty as a pair of homeless bums, huddling in front of the log burner for warmth with whatever twigs we can gather from the woods…

But you can’t scream that, or they will accuse you of abuse. They will accuse you of abuse, put the phone down, and then manage to continue to take your filthy, abusive money.

In between wrestling with British Gas, I had to call HMRC. They had billed me for a payment on account, then, when I paid it, they said they couldn’t find it and started charging me interest. Every time I phoned them to beg them to find the payment, the recorded message said: ‘We are a diverse team. We will not tolerate abuse of any kind.’

And then they would get started on me. The last hour-long conversation I had went something like this: you owe £394… oh no, hang on, you’re right, you did pay that, we’ve found it, but you still owe £46.10… no, wait a minute, it’s £56.10… oh no, actually that’s wrong, you don’t owe us anything… er, actually you’re in credit by £84…we need to cancel your direct debit, you’re paying too much…’

As I sat on the sofa tearing the hair from my head, all I could think was: who is being abused in this situation?

It’s the same with British Gas. When I log into my account, it shows how much of my money they’re holding in their bank account, but when I try to ask for it back, huge letters come up saying: ‘We can’t offer you a credit refund.’ As if I’m trying to steal from them.

‘Right now,’ they explain, ‘you’re in credit by £490.40 but you’ll need that to put towards the cold winter days when they arrive.’ Oh will I?

So I have to go on their blasted phone line where they quickly make clear ‘We operate a zero tolerance policy on abuse of our employees,’ before doing this to me:

‘Hello, welcome to British Gas… We are reluctantly having to raise our rates… You can find more information by visiting www… Please choose from one of the following options… To discuss your gas or electricity account press one… Please enter your account number… Please enter your date of birth… Please tell me the reason for your call… To help get you to the right place I need to know more… Is it about a bill?…Do you want to pay a bill, query a bill, or speak to our bereavement support team?… (Has someone died? Am I dead? Is this hell?)… You want to correct a bill? Is that right?… I’m sorry, we have had to close our enquiries line.’ And they cut me off.

I started again. I went through the whole thing again and this time, just after the offer of bereavement support, I got: ‘There’s a wait of between 24 and 36 minutes…’ Suddenly, the volume went sky-high, a rock music track began that was nerve-shredding in its intensity, and a menacingly smooth female voice began intoning:

‘We operate a zero tolerance policy on abuse of our employees… We can help you if you have a disability… Why not visit our website!… We operate a zero tolerance policy on abuse… Why not visit our website!…’

I allowed the torturer to pull my teeth and hold my eyeballs open for about five minutes before I caved. Of course I did not get my £500 back.