Features Australia

Life tips for getting ahead in the modern era

8 December 2018

9:00 AM

8 December 2018

9:00 AM

Malcolm Fraser said life wasn’t meant to be easy and then went and joined the Greens anyway. So here are my life tips for getting ahead.

Study art. Ever since I saw that $1.4 million Banksy get shredded I have been interested in contemporary art or at least in the technology used to destroy it. Was that the Rexel Stack and Shred Auto they were using (available at Officeworks for $2,849)? Who knows? Will we ever truly understand the mystery of the artists’ gift? Well, at least try. I hear that a Hockney piece just sold for a record $80 million, and that was before they get around to destroying it.

I remember Piss Christ by Andres Serrano when he suspended a crucifix in a jar of urine as an important statement on urinary tract infection. And I once saw that photograph by American photographer Robert Mapplethorpe of a bullwhip inserted into a man’s anus, though this may well have been a cry for help.

Join LinkedIn. If you want a friend get a dog and if you want a career join LinkedIn so people who aren’t your friends can stalk you. My friend went to an expensive private school and many years later asked his father why he had spent all that money given he wasn’t very bright and he could have got by on a real estate agent’s income like everyone else in his year anyway.

‘For the contacts’, his Dad said and so my excited friend rang up a very successful old school contact but he never got past the receptionist, became depressed and then created a LinkedIn account instead. The point being to always punch down.

Dealing with Millennials. Dealing with Millennials can be tricky as they are not always exactly sure what it is they are automatically entitled to due to the pills they are dropping at the time.

The youth summer concert scene is an important fixture in their cultural lives, but trying to play with the police sniffer dog is a rookie’s error especially if you are wasted. And a word to music-loving drug dealers, bikie gangs, laundry powder manufacturers and other future entrepreneurs – always get your pills tested at the front gate first so that you can then price them accordingly.

Defining the Modern Canon without offending anyone with a sociology degree.Andrew Bolt recently got agitated about the modern canon so to save time here are the other key achievements of Western civilisation besides Andrew Bolt:

Book Burning – according to 12 out of 10 Australian universities the best thing about our great literary canon is that you can burn it.

Paywalls – Paywalls are modern journalism’s Guttenberg press. The Walkley’s really need a separate ‘best paywall in a terrorist enabling role’ category which would exclude the ABC as they don’t carry advertising.

Venn Diagrams – nothing says Judeo-Christian values like an efficiency expert with a Venn diagram preferably wearing a bombproof vest.

Rename your political party. Politicians always disappoint and Victorian State politician Fiona Patten recently changed the name of her political party from the Sex to the Reason Party.

Reason can be a turn-on and is certainly erotic if your name is Antony Green or Bernard Salt but there was always something about the Sex Party – a certain frisson as I got my pencil out in the privacy of the polling booth – that made me want to vote early and vote very, very often (trade unionists and other fetishists will understand). This will now sadly be missed. Apparently bonking rates are going down amongst under-30s at the moment though this may be due to the lack of anything good on television these days. BTW, hiding your how-to-vote Reason flyer under your mattress is pointless as your parents are still likely to find it.

What is the ‘Peter Principle’ and is it for me? Peter Principle is one of our nation’s best-kept secrets. Like the hereditary monarchy it often leads to inbreeding, poor dental hygiene and the possibility you will be in charge of something one day when you are really not up to it. Worth considering this career path if you suspect you may be completely stupid or ineligible for a place in the Upper House.

Ask for free money. Are dildos cultural appropriation? Will my hair ever grow back? My Australian Research Council grant application asking these important questions was recently rejected. But as my free speech supporting journo friend once said – ‘we’re not saying it should be banned just that the question should be asked repeatedly and aggressively so that social media outrage is created and you stop doing it for fear of Twitter reprisals.’

Should I be having sex while watching Q&A? This is a difficult one as the appeal of having sex has to be weighed up against the even headier pleasure of tweeting ‘racist’, ‘misogynist’ and ‘rapist’ at the token conservative on the panel all at the one time when all they were really doing was holding the door open and letting the nice feminist go through first. ‘Woke’ comedians on Q&A providing their expertise on American trade initiatives and North Korea’s denuclearisation policy often suffer from Peter Principle (see above) as in ‘that dickhead isn’t very funny’.

If you can’t sit through one-hour of Q&A, five minutes of a Greens candidate media conference should tick all the same emotional boxes and is a lot funnier than the stand-up comedian trying to do exactly the same lines.

The importance of a firm handshake.

90 per cent of doing business is handshaking; the other 10 per cent is an absence of personality and fiscal liquidity via vital changes to our taxation system enacted by our political leaders (see Peter Principle above). Handshaking can be a gateway drug to a political career unless you are Mark Latham. Like business suits and having your own opinions it should be discouraged in the young at least until they are old enough to have their drugs tested at a Rave concert.

Disappointing your parents.

Perhaps the most important thing of all. There is never a right time to do this but of course it is important to do it before they die (see ‘deciding to major in gender studies’).

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