Now that the crybabies have won what are we to do?

Steve Smith cried on national television and so did Darren. Dave will no doubt also have a cry though Cameron didn’t at his media conference.

Like all millennials, he clearly needs to try harder or at least get more in touch with someone else’s feelings. He just needs to rotate the strike more.

But what does this really mean for the rest of us who struggle to get by with our inconsequential lives and failed suburban cricket careers batting at three?

We wanted blood but got tears and now we all feel guilty about it so we want Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland’s blood instead – though doesn’t he have kids too? Can’t we find someone involved with Australian cricket that is childless and a complete bastard and can handle the pay cut? Maybe Channel 9 can help with this.

And when I say ‘we’ I don’t mean me. I mean ‘you’. As someone who loves cricket but has patriotically barracked against the Australian side for years – I thought the whole thing ridiculous with being sent home from the tour and loss of leadership roles enough of a punishment. I mean Faf only got a fine and stern talking too for zipper and lollygate – It was the rest of you who wanted more. Bloodsuckers – Just look what you have done.

This is the worst national tragedy since the Brisbane line (if that was really a thing), Phar Lap (who wasn’t Australian anyway) and the sinking of the Harold Holt (who now lives in China). This is like if it had been speed skater Steven Bradbury who had fallen over during the 2002 Winter Olympics and not the other competitors.

But then he wouldn’t have cried. He would have finished last, dusted himself off and said proudly, ‘I’m an Australian, and we never win anything at the winter Olympics anyway’.

Whatever happened to this proud national attitude?

Karl summed it up best (and this from someone who loves Karl but has patriotically barracked against the Today show for years). He wondered if we have gone too far in our bloodlust against our Aussie heroes and that maybe we need the head of Cricket Australia instead or at least his limbs.

Karl then added ‘my comment’ just to clarify that he isn’t actually a qualified tree surgeon.

Unlike Karl who is the voice of a nation as we all turn our lonely eyes to him (and when did he become so Bolshie? I blame Lisa.) Twitter tries to have it both ways. They wanted our cheating cricketers bullied into oblivion and having succeeded they now want CA also bullied into oblivion for being bullies and making them cry. The medium is the message and the bullying is the medium.

And Twitter used to be such a caring and considered force for good. It was always the medium of choice if you were nominating guests for your fantasy dinner party along with Miranda Kerr and Kevin Rudd. But now they should all be ashamed of themselves and thanks to Facebook’s comprehensive data collecting processes we know exactly who you are, your jumper size and sexual preferences.

In cricket parlance, Twitter is a flat track bully. That is, a batsman who can make lots of runs on flat wickets against poor bowling but struggles with anything more challenging like grown men showing their emotions. Twitter is like Graeme Hick – though many of you will have no idea what this means. Or Richard Wilkins if that helps.

But most of all it hurts that one of our most beloved national symbols – the iconic piece of sandpaper has been brought into disrepute. Imagine if sandpaper could cry? Or hold a press conference? Or had its own hashtag – #I’llridewithsandpaper. And remember statistics show that Bunning’s is the place where most married Australian men go to die.

Here are the three golden rules of crying from a failed suburban cricketer who cried often on a Saturday afternoon before getting stuck doing the scorebooks while wondering why I was there:

1. Crying by Golden Boys is ok – call this the Kim or halo effect (Kim Hughes was our 1980s cricketing golden boy who cried when he resigned as captain because of the moral failings of his hook shot. Steve is also a golden boy. Dave isn’t because of the class warfare thing though Cameron may one day be).
2. Politicians can only cry if they are Bob Hawke (a former cricketer himself who had many tearful existential moments where he tried to explain why he exists)
3. Don’t cry while holding a baby as cynical people will notice.

Michael Scammell is a freelance writer.

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