The tentacles of The Spectator Australia Investigative Journalism Unit extend far beyond its heavily fortified premises in Canberra. For example, our source at the heart of the left wing activist outfit Throw Up! has just sent us a secret draft of Throw Up!’s internal assessment of its achievements in 2017 and what it has in store for 2018. In the public interest, we present it for you now:
2017. A BUMPER YEAR AND BEYOND. The main reason for Throw Up!’s existence is to destroy the capitalist economy, Western society and its institutions. Accordingly, one measure of our success is the number of development projects we stop and by that measure 2017 was a bumper year. The only feature these projects need to get on our hit list is if there is a danger they might employ someone. But, you might ask, don’t Throw Up!’s supporters get a bit touchy about stopping all those projects where they and their kids might get a job, like the Adani mine? Not at all. Most of our members don’t work, so they couldn’t care less about other people not getting jobs. Those who actually work are in the public service, the ABC, or the universities, so they already have a job for life. In 2017, we made real progress with Adani, put its dirty name into the heads of the mob, convinced them that Adani is bleaching the Barrier Reef even before it opens, scared the banks out of lending it any money, and got Queensland to oppose a government loan for its railway. And of course we get a bonus for knocking off Adani; we stop it digging up coal for cheap power, the last thing we want industry to have. So, with Adani, a good year, and in 2018 we should give it the coup de grace.
The other great success in 2017 was same-sex marriage. Laying on all that perpetual whinging, tear-jerking and suicide threats certainly won it for us and wore the poor voters out. To be honest, we probably bored people into voting Yes. But the campaign also produced some real bonuses; first, it shows that naivety is such an overwhelming force that the punters will now believe almost anything; they actually believed our spiel that SSM would not lead to other issues being pushed! Just wait for the national apology, compensation claims and teaching the new regime of marriage in schools. It was also good to see the Labor members whose electorates voted No, telling their constituents where to get off. Throw Up! has always thought that having a parliament where members took notice of their electors is a dangerous obstacle to progress when people clearly don’t know what is good for them; SSM shows you can get around the people by ignoring them. We will use this idea in the Republic campaign; the message will be ‘vote Yes to changing the constitution and then we will tell you what the change was’. Or, as Turnbull showed us, you can say religious freedom will be legislated with SSM and then say we don’t know what it is. The other thing that should be noted for future campaigns is that it was the Liberal party and its bed-wetters who got this issue up and got it passed. I mention this because the really big issue is how the Liberals’ views have ‘evolved’ on SSM, the Republic, new taxes, bank bashing, stealing superannuation, in fact anything. So they should be ready to evolve on our next big industry objective for 2018 – the sugar tax!
Tony Abbott deserves a special mention. With the help of the left of the Liberal party, which is most of it, we have almost got rid of Abbott and should polish him off in 2018. Just as well; he is the only Liberal the public can understand, he actually believes in things, which is dangerous, and no-one on the other side can lay a glove on him.
Refugees will again be a big issue in 2018 as the Turnbull government continues to give ground. The big damages payout to refugees for keeping them locked up, brushed off as a ‘commercial settlement’, and the deal with the United States to take our refugees, show that patience and persistence will get you to New York-with the money. And 2018 will see more refugees from Syria, a new batch of Rohingya and more from Africa. Great! If we ever were an Anglo country, we won’t be one for much longer.
Here at Throw Up! we say that to change society, national symbols like Australia Day, the monarchy, the flag and historic monuments are prime targets. And 2017 saw real progress: the first hole was punched in the Australia Day mystique and, with it, we got the Aboriginal issue going again. Our mates in several councils in Melbourne have banned Australia Day ceremonies and one of them, Darebin, has plans to rub John Batman’s name out of Batman Park and then the Batman electorate. We also got help from our friends in the ABC who are moving their Hottest 100 hits to another day and the courageous Greens will abolish Australia Day itself. Apart from a pious speech, Turnbull has let them get away with it; hence, Australia Day is close to being killed off altogether. We will have a bit of trouble changing the flag, however, because the stodgy conservatives got a bill passed in 1998 which says (can you believe the chutzpah?) that any change to the flag needs a majority vote of the people! On Aboriginals, Turnbull helped us by saying that 1788 was an ‘invasion’; thanks Malcolm, you saved us a lot of campaigning. Our big push in 2018 is to get the Voice accepted which, off the record, is a special chamber of parliament for Aboriginals. And a treaty is definitely on the way. Bottom line for 2017; we won. For 2018: we will win again.’
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