Flat White

A communique from Xi Jinping

23 January 2018

1:30 PM

23 January 2018

1:30 PM

A message of great joy from Chinese Peoples offering fondest salutations and joyous liberation to Australia on your national day.

A spokesman for the Chinese government has outlined, for the purpose of engendering sensations of noble joy and feelings of tender warmth, a proposal sent forth by Chinese Chairman Xi Jinping in the general direction of Australia in time for their annual Australia Day celebrations, advising the Australian people that the Chinese government wishes to enter a competitive tender for the whole Australian defence needs, Army, Navy and Airforce, by the peaceful loving Chinese People’s Liberation Army.

Chairman Xi paused at this mind-displacing moment for the unanimous applause of the three thousand members of the Chinese politburo to subside. Two days later, he was able to resume.

The modern father of historical revolution, Chairman Xi, said that he was mindful of two facts that made this announcement timely.

First, the Australian Parliament’s bilateral support for international competition and its concern for economic efficiency mirrored the theoretically competitive model of economic performance developed independently by the historical father of Communism, Karl Marx with some assistance from the English revolutionary, David Ricardo.

Second, the Australian government’s intention to spend $40 billion on replacement submarines purchased according to the dictates of competition together with the decision to allow a competitive tender process which ensures that a South Australian company shall share in the benefits of this proletarian job creation scheme mirrored the many competitive tenders undertaken by the Chinese People in their historical march towards full consciousness.

Chairman Xi the commander in chief of the PLA wants to reassure the Australian people of the PLA’s great and enduring faith in the market mechanism and the principle of profit maximization that underpins the efficient allocation of resources.


He pointed heroically to the writings of Karl Marx to show the incorporation of the mathematical elements of the market mechanism in his revolutionary doctrine of Capital made victorious by the Devine Chairman Mao.

It has been the far-distancing power of the always observant eyesight of the Chinese government based entirely on the strength and historical determinism of the Chinese proletariat that Chinese industry has made much market-driven, technological advances as to lead the world in product development and joyful sun-rising happiness.

Now, the Chinese government is in a position to offer Australia a total defence package, the likes of which meet all criteria of cost, efficiency, profitability and budget balance that everyone will be like an explosion of fireworks on a special Chinese New Year holiday.

Instead of Australia purchasing submarines that might work or might be like the Collins and not work, China will provide for the total defence of Australia for a once and for all payment of $40 billion.

Was there a moment then when overcome by feelings of joy that your mind was shut closed like a poor quality door from the recalcitrant province of Taiwan? If you said no, then you heard it correctly. The Chinese government will pay the Australian government $40 billion. It believes this will be sufficient to balance the budget and to ensure the re-election of the government when the next elections are held.

That payment will secure a commitment from the Chinese government to the defence of Australia for all time (or until at least until the end of history arrives for the happy elevation of the proletariat into the ranks of the ruling class).

The commitment, said Chairman Xi, is a Chinese government guarantee that it will permanently station in Australia at a cost to be borne by the Chinese people (and also as a demonstration of the stronger bonds between our two peoples than exists with Japan), a contingent of the People’s Liberation Army equal in number to the current strength of the total defence forces of Australia, together with an appropriate deployment of armour, air and naval support, the arrival of which will be greeted with an enormous and large military band accompanied by a most eagerly awaited and spontaneous eruption of fireworks.

The stationing of these defence personnel in this country will permit all existing defence personnel to return to civilian duties. Chairman Xi named this twenty-first Century defence initiative, Operation Bamboo Boomerang or, alternatively, the Feng Shui Sabre.

Chairman Xi, shouting to be heard over the rapturous laughter of two million admirers and members of the Australian Greens, said that given the strength of investment by the Chinese people in Australia, it was only fair that the defence of that investment should fall to the Chinese People’s Victorious and Peaceful Liberation Army.

Chairman Xi was mindful that some revisionist facists would seek to portray Chinese generosity in a slanderous and racist way in order to encourage dissent among multicultural Australians and he hoped that those with any love of green tolerance would counter such talk with aggressive reaction.

However, in order to prevent any negative stereotyping of this charitable Chinese offer by right-wing fascist forces in Australia, the most exalted Chairman said that the laws against terrorism that already exist in Australia would be stringently enforced with penalties expanded to include permanent exile to Tasmania where they would be employed in the construction of a new dam.

Such negative stereotyping could not be supported, Illustrious Chairman Xi said. The Divine Chairman Xi added that if this market-based offer was accepted he hoped that the rock currently known as Uluru but previously as Ayres, could be renamed as Mao’s Forehead.

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