Welcome-ish news from the Australian last week: ‘With the Syrian rebel front crumbling under the combined might of a Russian and Western assault, throngs of young Western jihadists who once flocked eagerly to the cause are now scrambling for the exit.’ Personally, I’d like to see them all arrested on arrival, tried in a military tribunal, and shot for treason. Methinks any rational creature would. Alas, I’m doing this Catholic thing these days so I couldn’t officially condone the death penalty. My consolation is that vengeance is still Thine – that, and personal vindication. I’ve said for years that Assad must remain in power. Only he could defeat the jihadists, and by funding the ‘moderate’ Islamist opposition, we were only dragging out one of the most brutal conflicts in modern history. So it’s come to pass. Hundreds of thousands more are now dead because we couldn’t let the war come to its natural conclusion. We couldn’t resist using the Isis insurgency as an excuse to topple the popular, legitimate government and install a puppet regime under the guise of spreading democracy. And we have nothing at all to show for it except these needless dead.

Ah, well. Onward and upward. If I were PM I’d begin sending out deportation notices to the refugees. They’d say something like, ‘As soon as the Syrian Army regains control of all major population centres, you will be given one week to put your affairs in order. After such period you will be flown back to Syria and entrusted to the lawful government.’ Of course, that would never happen. We all know that, once asylum-seekers set foot on Australian soil, they effectively become immigrants. Those of us who were sceptical about taking in refugees on those grounds were called xenophobic. This vindication will be more bitter than sweet.

Certainly repatriation would be better for Syria as well. The majority of the refugees were healthy, well-to-do young men. Their vitality, skills, and capital will be needed in rebuilding their country. And that’s not considering the opportunitists from other Middle Eastern nations who bought fake Syrian passports so they could claim asylum in rich Western countries. Instead of doing what’s right for both us and them, we’re setting a dangerous precedent: any time a war breaks out anywhere in the world, everyone in the region has a right to permanently resettle in Australia. What could possibly go wrong?

And make no mistake, the ‘refugee crisis’ won’t end when the stream of refugees is cut off. The introduction of millions upon millions of men and women who often don’t speak our language, share our beliefs, or respect our customs will have adverse effects on the West for generations to come. Half of British Muslims think homosexuality should be illegal. One third believe polygamy should be legal. One quarter think Sharia should be enforced in Muslim ghettoes. One fifth has sympathies for those who travel to Syria to fight for Isis. And the younger the interviewee, the worse the numbers get. We’re sitting on a massive time-bomb whose radius we can’t even begin to calculate.

Thanks to two successive Liberal governments, Australia has avoided the more extreme refugee policies that are tearing much of Central and Northern Europe apart. (Again, bittersweet.) America, on the other hand, is only slightly better off under Trump than it was under Obama. Ironically, it seems the new president has succumbed to the pressure of political correctness. The ‘terror-prone’ countries whose migrants he banned are generally those that have been destabilised by terrorism, none of which are major exporters of anti-American militants. Meanwhile, he ignored the vast majority of those governed by Islamists and major state sponsors of terrorism, like Saudi Arabia and Turkey. Think of it this way – if the White House is extending the ban according to how destabilised the country is by terrorist activity, France would qualify more than Iran. Just let that sink in.

The President’s critics are calling it a ‘Muslim ban’, which is perfectly fatuous, considering the five countries with the largest population of Muslims aren’t included. Yet we should almost think a Muslim ban was preferable. At least then it might keep Americans safe, rather than merely generating controversy. It’s certainly a step in the right direction, though. At least this administration isn’t afraid to identify that the terror crisis is endemic to the Islamosphere. Donald Trump doesn’t use ridiculous sobriquets like ‘Religion of Peace’ and ‘Death Cult’. And, taking a page from Australia’s book, the US President is prioritising Christian and other minority-religion asylum claimants. Even though Donald Trump’s off to a slow start, at least he’s thinking about immigration and religion in a grown-up way. Hope springs eternal and all that.

But enough about politics. I hope you all enjoyed your ‘Straya Day as much as I did. As an exile in America, I had to arrange celebrations for myself. Some friends, family and I went to the Outback Steakhouse for a traditional Aussie feast: pint-cans of Fosters and Bloomin’ Onions. Then it was back to the Chateau D’Avis for a desert of Vegemite sandwiches to the sultry sounds of GANGgajang. I then pickled myself in 19 Crimes, a delightful South Australian wine named after the offences which doomed miscreant limeys to transportation. I don’t know if you’ve ever actually read the list of crimes that got one transported, but it’s totally bizarre. If ‘impersonating an Egyptian’ still gets one a free cruise to the great southern land, then shave my cat and call me Ramses.