High life

The Olympic spirit may be dead in Ibiza, but at least the hookers are world-class

Unfortunately, it was racing I was there for

13 September 2014

9:00 AM

13 September 2014

9:00 AM


This island is the Spanish equivalent of  the Greek sex rock of Mykonos, except its waters are murkier, its nightclubs and restaurants far more expensive. But its hookers are first-class and not to be compared to anything selling itself in Greece. Why that is so, I don’t know, but Greece gets the dregs where the world’s oldest profession is concerned, whereas Ibiza and Spain reign supreme. No, I did not indulge, but I invited a few girls to come on board for a drink very late at night and once they were done with their libations they offered sex.

Now sex is a hard subject to deal with in print. I haven’t ever gone into detail about it — it’s simply not my way — and I plan to keep it that way. Perhaps if I had the comic talent of Jeremy Clarke, who recently wrote 900 words about how he held back a mob of Spaniards trying to burst into a public lavatory where his girl was chopping up coke while he was servicing her, then maybe. But my style is more suited to fulminating against social wrongs and crap such as PC, so sex remains unmentionable. Which doesn’t mean that a young Spanish hooker who stripped to the waist and offered me a condom to help me make up my mind wasn’t a real beauty. The trouble was that day was just breaking, both Michael Mailer and I were dead drunk, the crew was casting anxious glances as the girls were freely circulating in and out of cabins, and the big race was about to start. So sex took a back seat for once, and off we went with high hopes for victory as during the practices my boat had been the fastest by far.

Well, you’re not going to read about the race, at least not from this scribe, the reason being that the ancient Olympic spirit is somehow absent — dead in the water, in fact. It was the annual Pug’s Club regatta, held in a different venue each year. This year it returned to Ibiza where the very first race took place seven years ago. The celebratory dinner following Roger Taylor’s Tigerlily’s victory still resonates in most of our livers. I thought I had a good chance of finally winning one, especially after having been gypped out of victory by an egregious handicap last year in St Tropez. It was not to be.

My captain had a dream start, crossing the line just as the cannon went off, and building up a good lead by the time we reached the halfway point. Then the wind dropped and one of the slowest boats reached us and then passed us, the smell of its exhaust polluting the air as well as our spirit. The owner, a very good friend whose name I temporarily forget, got bored splashing around waiting for the wind and reverted to his engine. Behind us, Tara Getty’s sailer and defending champion did nothing of the sort, but tacked back and forth desperately trying to close a gap that was getting bigger. The fumes were by now visible. ‘I’m proud to be an American,’ said Michael, looking at the Getty boat.

By the time the awards ceremony came round, everyone was drunk and in a forgiving mood. It was held on board Tara’s Blue Bird, magnificently restored and relaunched in 2007 — a 104.5ft 1938 classic that won the World Superyacht award for best refit some time ago. Although it is not a sailing boat, Getty’s marvel is my favourite thing afloat. It’s a perfect size, with old-fashioned looks and none of those disgusting new refrigerator panels that Russian mobsters favour. And Tara was noble in defeat, his morality in refusing to turn on an engine among all the cheaters matching his bank account. (He was racing on a smaller sailing boat, the Blue Bird serving as the mother ship.)

One thing that puzzled me was my friend Michael Mailer’s travel plans. He flew out from Spokane, Washington state, where he was scouting locations — Michael is the producer of the greatest film ever made, Seduced & Abandoned, starring Taki, Alec Baldwin, Ryan Gosling and some lesser stars — via Los Angeles, New York, Berlin then Ibiza. Now I was never any good at geography, but going east in order to go west simply doesn’t make sense. Had Michael been drinking? My lips are sealed, but somehow his compass went all wrong. He flew for 20-odd hours to spend 48 hours without sleep onboard my boat, only to fly another 20 hours back. He must be a travel agent’s dream, but I’m seriously worried about his health.

Otherwise everything is hunky-dory. I am going on the wagon for three days in order to relocate my liver, wherever it is right now, will send a contribution to an old hooker’s home in Ibiza, and next year will demand all boats have sealed engines otherwise they won’t have the poor little Greek boy to kick around any more. Anchors aweigh!

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  • When presented
    with a female of his species, a male animal will repeatedly try to mate with
    her; after he accomplishes it a few times, though, he loses interest…yet will
    immediately attempt coupling with a new female. This is Nature’s way of
    maximizing sexual potential; remember, to Nature sex is only for procreation, and our
    enjoyment of it is just Her little trick to get us to do it a lot.

    Even when
    we’re using birth control, our hindbrains still act as though sex will probably
    result in babies, and so human males – like their brethren in the lower orders
    – will eventually tire of the same female. Remember, this is biology, and
    has nothing at all to do with his love for you; he probably doesn’t even
    consciously realize that he’s less interested, and may be putting it down to
    overwork or whatever.

    Researchers found that
    both men and women alter their voice depending on who they are talking to, and
    speak in a different tone to lovers than they do to their friends and family. These
    vocal changes could be used to discover whether or not someone is cheating.

    Researchers asked people
    to call a friend of the same sex as well as their romantic partners in order to
    monitor their voices on each call. While on the phone, the participants asked
    generic questions like, “How are you?” and “What are you
    doing?” By analyzing the participants’ tones, researchers discovered that
    people speak in a way that is more pleasant and sexy when speaking to someone
    with whom they are romantically involved.

    Both men and women mimic
    the pitch of their romantic partner when speaking to them on the phone. Men
    speak in a higher pitch to match their female partners, and women make their
    vocal pitch lower when speaking to male lovers.

    This information can be
    used to determine whether a person is speaking to someone with whom they are romantically
    involved and such variations can potentially be used to detect infidelity.

    This is not the first
    time that phone usage has been cited as a way to catch a cheater. A spouse
    guarding the phone may be trying to hide an affair, and taking phone calls only
    in private can be another sign of infidelity.

    The stereotype sex tourist is an Occidental who travels
    to Thailand or the Philippines to pay for sex with young women and even
    children. But the numbers of women travelling primarily for sex to PIGS and
    Third World countries with local men has increased drastically.

    The practice has become less stigmatized, and tour
    operators even add explicit references to sex tourism for women as a marketing
    strategy. Phrases such as fantasy love island are bandied about, feeding off a
    mythology about male sexual prowess, perpetuated by gigolos themselves because
    it’s good for business.

    Most women usually believe the gigolos they meet on
    holiday are in love with them. Middle-aged and older women with low self-esteem
    and a history of failed relationships are more likely to fall for the delusion.

    In the film Shirley Valentine, the central character
    travels to a Greek island craving love, attention, and genuine emotional
    attachment. Each year millions of
    Occidental women engage in sex tourism.

    According to gigolos, there is little shame or stigma in
    selling sex to older white female tourists, and some gigolos claim earning
    money this way affirms their masculinity.

    At the same time, the comments one hears about the women
    seen with younger gigolos are often misogynistic and cruel — there is far more
    acceptance of older, obese men partnering conventionally attractive younger
    women than the reverse.

    Racial difference plays a significant role in the female
    sex tourist experience. White women who would never consider being openly
    involved with a young black man back home feel free to do so while travelling
    and often use this as an example of their antiracism. However, the same women
    will often treat their gigolo as little more than a servant.

    Gigolos are exploiting tourist women economically,
    emotionally, or sexually, but they are also exploited by them. An unemployed Greek could make a good tax-free income as
    a gigolo to female German and American tourists, but these women also have a
    lot of fun fulfilling the sexual dreams of their lives.


    By Basil Venitis

    View that stirs up any man

    Split of chest with great lumen

    Milky breasts that comfort humans

    Cleavage of well-endowed woman.

    Want to kiss that great spot

    Touch and feel of being human

    Lick my joy’s habitat

    Cleavage of well-endowed woman.

    Have to suck that milky gorge

    Have to milk that gorgeous woman

    Only God can really forge

    Cleavage of well-endowed woman.

    Breastfeed now a big boy

    Help him grow super human

    Give him biggish booby joy

    Cleavage of well-endowed woman.

    • PartTimeParent

      GREAT POST…. there are many professional feminists, and they degrade men and idolise women… Nice instead to see it written that women also can ‘exploit poor people’ too.
      One thing most women don’t know is how rarely divorced women actually have sex.
      Perhaps sex with their husbands may be boring… But divorce will mean that they will wait literally years on end without any sex with anybody!
      But divorce? No! After 45 single women have almost no sex, ever, with a anybody.
      For the sake for the World/s children, we should make sure that this warning is passed around.

    • Jackthesmilingblack

      So remember, never bar-fine a girl with wet hair.

      • Is that one of your stupid superstitions in Japan?!

        • little islander

          No, he is a ‘gentleman about town with options’. Japan is where rice is more sticky and expensive.

          • But he is a Japanese (although he claims himself to be a “Japan Alps Brit” or some other such rubbish) who “claims” (note the emphasis) to frequently and regularly enjoy socially, especially intimately, the female and feminine charm of the fairer half of the human race in Thailand.

          • little islander

            thai rice is fine. for now there’s too much rotting away in state warehouses. we buy more indonesian and australian. they cost more. obviously.

          • Very droll (although you are obviously also taking a bit of the piß!)

          • little islander

            sorry, a bit of the what?

          • little islander

            whatever it is, no. and it’s not because liz is about.

          • The piſ ?! (The long S; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long_s ).

        • Jackthesmilingblack

          George Smiley (deceased)
          UKIP (private supporter) and UKIP voter. All views are that of my own.George Smiley (deceased)
          UKIP (private supporter) and UKIP voter.
          And he claims to be a native speaker … of English.
          “All views are that of my own.”

          Gimme a break China boy.

          • A Japanese calling himself a “Japan Alps Brit” and calling me a Chinese. The delusions know no bounds!

          • Jackthesmilingblack

            “All views are that of my own.”
            Clean up your act, China boy.

          • You are so autistic that you are now repeating the same words twice, are you now?!

        • Jackthesmilingblack

          You’re a little out of your league, aren’t you?

          • Well, all I know is, Thailand is not Ibiza, but don’t let me spoil your autistic fantasies, eh!

  • Kitty MLB

    Taki, old chap writing about s*x somewhat tacky, which is
    why you have issues ,although Shakespeare and Socrates got
    to the point whilst being subtle.But Ibiza sounds like a place swapped with ‘ladies of the night’ not the type of place for the
    suarve gentleman about town if you know what I mean…a
    man with options.

    • dalai guevara

      You see, this is what you are supposed to believe.

      What the author is danger of making a case for here is that ‘industry’ (which is completely centralised due to Russian demand and convenience and not at all the ‘culture’ of that location) to spread out to more orthodox locations.
      Only folk who have never been – are there any – would believe it.

      • Kitty MLB


      • Nicholas I

        Being from Russia does not mean a person is Russian.

  • Liz

    Who needs to sleep with trafficked and controlled Eastern European women when you can invite them on board to act as semi-naked, interactive ornaments while you do your elite manly stuff?

    • Wessex Man

      Power to the people! put the heel into those awlful men! not to hard though Liz, I don’t mind a little bit but don’t like it getting out of hand as they say.

      • Liz

        What you like or don’t like is entirely beside the point. If you want to prostitute on board Tory yacht experience then you’re a commodity, now smile, get your tits out and pretend to enjoy it.

        • Wessex Man

          How do you know?

      • Jaria1

        Good one if that’s the case you don’t really need a woman then

  • Cim Thayne

    I always enjoy Taki’s column. Frank, entertaining, and well written. Keep it up old boy.

    • Wessex Man

      oh I just hope that Liz doesn’t take your entirely innocent comment the wrong way!

      • David Prentice

        Pursing her lips and preparing to strike!

  • Good stuff although it sounds like an attempt to knock Cosmo off the most popular where he’s been for 6 weeks (mainly due to the very sexy image I might add…probably)


    Three days is nowhere near enough if you really want to give the liver a rest.

  • George Smiley

    What a sad little man.

  • RadioJockhadistan

    You were drunk, the hookers aren’t Spanish.

  • Nicholas I

    Boring and stupid article.

  • Liz

    “Greece gets the dregs”

    The guy simply oozes charm.

  • Liz

    “The world’s oldest profession”

    The world’s oldest oppression.

  • Liz

    “whereas Ibiza and Spain reign supreme. ”

    Ah, yes Spain. Where you can drive along highways and regularly see black women sometimes entirely naked except for her shoes, stranded in lay-bys, miles from the nearest town or exit, in the scorching heat, with nothing but a plastic chair, dropped off and collected by pimps at the ends of each day, with no escape other than in some creep’s car, maybe one or two lucky ones end up on so e creep’s yacht for the evening.

  • Nick_Tamair

    ‘The oldest profession’… I haven’t heard that sparkling and vivid euphemism before. Can I write it down?

    Fruit picker and antelope hunter are two jobs that might just have the edge in antiquity