The Spectator Australia has just received a leak of the latest entry in the private diary of Anthony Albanese, Prime Minister.

‘You could have knocked me down with a feather at the end of my gruelling mission to Melonesia to forge intimate relations with other world leaders. In fact, I had just finished my keynote speech on how Australia had ended discrimination against women, when the Asio spooks came to me with the alarming news that some multicultural terrorists had threatened to hit Albo One with a shoulder-launched missile. It was a terrible time to get this news because my trip to Melonesia had been a great success, but I had to get back to Oz, lickety-split, for a heavy round of social media podcasts I had lined up at the Lodge to stitch up the women and youth vote. I also had to attend the federal conference of the Labor party in Adelaide and had spent countless hours rehearsing how to walk off the stage without falling over. The spooks and I had a hasty top-level conference to see how we could avert this national tragedy, I mean the threat, not the ALP conference. Anyway, we hit on a brilliant solution, although I was the first to think of it. We decided that the only way to get me home safely and in time for my weighty commitments, was to whizz Albo Two up to Melonesia, so that I could fly home on it instead of on Albo One. The only problem was that Albo Two is a smaller plane, and some of my entourage and luggage would have to be off-loaded. It would be a hard decision as to who would travel with me and who would be left behind until the crisis was over; but someone would have to make the hard decision on who would fly with me on Albo Two. This is when true leadership comes to the fore, and it was the sort of hard decision that those of us in leadership positions have to make every day of the week in the national interest. In any case, Alan Joyce had just sent me a text that my Qantas Club membership was valid in the Air Melonesia lounge, so those involved could wait in comfort.

For starters, I decided that the Three Sisters in my entourage would fly with me on Albo Two. I refer, of course, to my loyal cabinet colleagues Penny Wong, Katy Gallagher and Tanya Plibersek. After all, they defended me when I was misrepresented in the vicious Murdoch press with the baseless allegation that I wanted to shag the Japanese PM. I did not say anything of the sort, although she is a  bit of a sort. I said I would shag Kylie Minogue, not the Japanese girlie, which shows you the vicious Murdoch press can’t even get their facts straight. And Penny, Katy and Tanya had stood by me and cleaned up the mess I left behind, which is the true role of women in the home, and I like to think of my government as one big happy family.

Even then, I had doubts about letting Tanya come on board. She’s definitely after my job, which I can tell by that smirk she gives whenever she says: ‘I’m right behind you, Albo.’ And when she gives her so-called support, she looks about as keen as a prisoner of the Taleban, and I half-expect her to start doing Morse code with her eyelashes.

And Kylie, herself, had to be on board. After all, if you say one day that you wouldn’t mind shagging a sheila, you can hardly turn around the next day and shunt her off your plane. In any case, I was able to give a light-hearted twist to a tense situation when she came on board by saying with the wink for which I am renowned in international circles: ‘OK sweetheart, tighten your seat belt;  it’s going to be a bumpy ride.’ And I certainly did not want that sourpuss Grace Tame on board. All I said in the last kerfuffle was that she was ‘difficult’; you know, hard to handle and all over the shop. Surely a harmless comment, misrepresented as usual by the vicious Murdoch press.

But the men worried me more than the women. So, I bounced Tony Burke who definitely has his eye on my job, with that ghostly smile and phony nodding, as if all is well in the farmyard. Anyway, turfing him off will give him the message loud and clear that I am not too pleased with his fooling around on migration policy; it’s not rocket surgery to work out that we have too many migrants.

And Chalmers is another one who thinks he should be PM. Judging from his budget, he can’t even add up and he wouldn’t know how to spell ‘productivity’. So, we certainly did not need him on board. And the same goes for Marles who is always sucking up to the backbenchers and looking for votes.

Finally, I had to make some difficult decisions about the luggage. Some smart Alec (probably a stooge of the Murdoch press) had smuggled a gigantic box on board labelled ‘Lies and Boo-boos’. We certainly did not want that on the flight, especially when I saw it was full of files marked ‘Aged Care Waitlist’, ‘Widows’ Tax’ ‘Cost of Living‘, ‘New Taxes’, ‘Death Tax’, ‘Gambling Ads‘, ‘Interest Rates’,  ‘Cheaper Houses’, ‘Big Tech’, ‘Price Gouging’, ‘US Tariffs’, ‘Jokes About Women’, ‘Government Waste’, ‘Anika Wells’ Holidays’ and that sort of thing.

But fortunately, we could just find space for a stack of my favourite magazines, Luxury Homes and Gardens, The Rich List and Real Estate Deals, which should keep me busy. And, of course, the new bestseller: From Council Flat to Cliff-Top Mansion.

So, all round, it was a very productive trip and did wonders to cement my reputation as an international statesman. Oops, I mean statesperson!’