It may seem strange to see me praising the Age. But Melburnians owe it an enormous debt for exposing major scandals and at the same time giving us the moral guidance we need in these troubled times. Indeed, whenever I read those ominous words ‘the Age can now reveal…’, I know we are in for the exposure of an event of immense significance.

And so it was, just last week, that the Age revealed a major international crisis, unnoticed by all other media outlets. I refer to its report in the best traditions of investigative journalism that has shocked the intellectual and political community in Melbourne and which, now that it has been picked up by the so-called leading newspapers of the world like the London Times, has galvanised the attention of the whole enlightened world and shown that the Age is far ahead of them all. In a word, it has revealed in an in-depth review of the Melbourne restaurant Frenchies, that ‘the crème caramel was only a centimetre deep’.

This revelation need only be stated to show how monumentally significant it is. For decades, we have benefitted from the rules-based order, underpinned by international law and the United Nations, that crème caramel should be at least three centimetres deep. But now, with one irresponsible and unprovoked attack, this rogue restaurant has thrown a Bombe Alaska into the established order of things, set back years of patient diplomacy among warring chefs and threatened unpredictable gastronomical turmoil.

Indeed, not only has it done so, but it has threatened, if provoked, to reduce the depth of crème caramel even further, so that a caramel crisis is now inevitable, not to mention the widening caramel gap with China. A radical sous chef at Frenchies has even warned that if the baseless criticism of his restaurant does not stop, he will remove crème caramel from the sweets menu entirely! And it has backed up this effrontery by bombarding unauthorised versions of sticky date pudding (without syrup!) and apple strudel (without apple!) at the renowned chain of Gulf restaurants.
Naturally, in the best tradition of investigative journalism, the Age has obtained an exclusive interview with the Head Chef at Frenchies to enquire what he could say to defend the indefensible. He replied on Instagram that ‘I knew this attack was coming and I would never have thought of introducing the one-centimetre crème caramel but for the fact that we had advanced intelligence that our rival, the Eiffel Tour, WAS ABOUT TO LEAVE TOMATOES OUT OF THEIR MINESTRONE SOUP! (TRUE!) AND THEIR HEAD CHEF HAS ALWAYS BEEN RUDE TO ME). We were therefore provoked into doing it. Anyway, I just thought it would be FUN to take this excursion into wafer-thin caramel to see what happened and in any case our chefs are the best in the world!!!!!!(ALSO TRUE!!). And we have already obliterated the so-called secret recipe books of all of our opposition and cut off their gas.’

Naturally, with its extensive connections, the Age was able to go straight to the top and obtain an exclusive statement from the Prime Minister on this crisis. Mr Albanese said: ‘My mum was a great cook and always made crème caramel five centimetres deep and she could do this although she was on the pension. And most of my cousins have done the same on the NDIS. Moreover, Australia is providing an apprentice sous chef to share between the Gulf restaurants although he has never cooked anything’.

Our courageous masthead has also asked the Foreign Minister whether Australia has a policy on this unseemly war. Senator Wong replied: ‘If they want to serve crème caramel one centimetre deep in preference to tiramisu, that is their own business. We are not involved in this war in any shape or form. We provide the kitchen staff, menus, ingredients cutlery, crockery and solar-powered energy and we pay their rent, but these initiatives are purely defensive.’

Fortunately, the Minister for Energy, Chris Bowen, put the whole thing into perspective: ‘There is no such thing as full-depth crème caramel. If there is, there is no shortage of it. If there is, there is plenty with a garnish of Russian cabbage which tastes better. And some of it is still getting through via India and if people don’t like it, they shouldn’t eat it and would be better off if they stopped eating altogether, mate. And we warn the punters against panic eating and definitely no double helpings or taking home any leftovers. But there is no crisis.’

To give balance to its revelations, the Age has also obtained an exclusive statement from the Opposition. It says: ‘This is a time for clear policies and plain speaking based on our traditional principles. We might oppose this terrible culinary attack by Frenchies. Or we might not. Or take a middle course. Or set up an inquiry into who knew what and when. As we believe in free enterprise, the government should buy Frenchies, ban all competitors and impose a digestive tax on everyone who likes French food, (the bit we tried when we invented the GST).’

Dennis Richardson had agreed to run the inquiry but resigned the next day as he was busy preparing a new menu. And the Greens have proposed that every restaurant should take on six French maids, a nanny, and a Somali maître d’, as part of the fight against modern slavery, with a tax on all food (except greens) to pay for it.

Senator Hanson observed, ‘On my experience in the wholesome fish and chip industry, crème caramel should be banned altogether and if it comes to preferences, I would give mine to stewed plums.’ Senator Joyce added that crème caramel was girlie food, but might be bearable with a whisky chaser.

Thank heavens, therefore, that we have a newspaper that lifts our horizons from the banal and the hum-drum to the really serious issues facing the nation – and the civilised world!