Britain’s on strike again, it’s raining still, and Mayor of London Sadiq Khan has just been called ‘a nasty guy’ again – which naturally leads to one radical, deeply unhinged, and therefore perfectly reasonable idea: what if Donald J. Trump ran the UK?
No, really. We’ve tried Labour, the Tories, the Lib Dems (briefly, accidentally), and even that Lettuce vs. Liz Truss experiment. We’ve run out of options. It’s time to call in the world’s most chaotic franchise operator: Trump International Government™.
And just to sweeten the absurdity, when asked about Trump’s latest dig at Sadiq Khan, Sir Keir Starmer responded with the verbal equivalent of a hostage tape: ‘Actually, he’s a good friend of mine.’ Beautifully British. Deeply depressing. Possibly grounds for sectioning.
But let’s game this out.
1. Rule Britannia, Trump-Style
The monarchy? Rebranded. King Charles becomes ‘CEO Charlie’, is given a quarterly performance review, and a branded golf cart for Balmoral. The corgis wear MAGA collars. Camilla does shampoo ads. Buckingham Palace becomes ‘The Royal Grille™ and Wellness Experience’ offering spa treatments named after dead monarchs and steaks imported from Mar-a-Lago.
The annual Christmas speech is replaced by a Trump address filmed next to Big Ben, which he insists is ‘a really big Rolex’. Melania nods in the background, blinking Morse code.
2. Parliament, but Make It Vegas
Forget grey suits and procedural drudgery. Trump’s UK Parliament is a glittering, gold-leafed Trumphitheatre with smoke machines and a live audience. Questions to the Prime Minister become a game show: Who Wants to Be a Billionaire Backbencher?
The Speaker of the House is replaced by a rotating panel of shock jocks. Nigel Farage gets a cabinet post as Secretary for Pubs and Smoking Indoors. Boris Johnson returns, naturally, as Minister for Gobbledygook and Foreign Offence.
Lord Rees-Mogg (elevated to the House of Trump) becomes the official Time Traveller-in-Residence, responsible for maintaining a permanent 1857 ambience in North Somerset.
3. Brexit 2.0: The Reckoning
Trump announces Brexit: The IMAX Reboot. New slogan: ‘It’s Going to Be Bigly!’ He builds a wall in the English Channel ‘to keep out the EU’s bad deals’, pays for it with EU funds (in theory), and militarises Greggs to protect British pastries from foreign influence.
Scotland promptly leaves and rebrands as ‘Trump Caledonia: The Luxury Nation™’. Nicola Sturgeon returns solely to deny Trump a visa.
4. The NHS: Now with Casino Options
TrumpCare UK™ is rolled out. Healthcare remains ‘free’ except for anyone who gets ill. All GP waiting rooms now feature slot machines, Fox News reruns, and a holographic Ivanka dispensing vitamin tips.
Prescriptions rebranded:
ParacetraDon™ – ‘Huge for Headaches’
Ibuproofin™ – ‘A Very Strong Pill, the Strongest’
Antibiobigly™ – ‘Cures Everything, Maybe’
5. Transport, Trains and Total Delusion
The Tube becomes The TrumpLine™. Delays are rebranded as ‘strategic repositioning’. All stations renamed after Trump offspring: catch the 8:12 to Barron-upon-Thames, if it ever arrives.
HS2 is scrapped and replaced with a golden monorail shaped like Trump’s head. The ferries to Ireland play non-stop re-runs of The Apprentice: Atlantic Edition.
6. International Diplomacy: Like Eurovision, But Nuclear
Under Prime Minister Trump, the UK invades France because Macron once frowned at a Trump Tower proposal. NATO is replaced by GREAT-O: a security alliance between the UK, Florida, Elon Musk, and whichever Eastern European oligarch is trending that week.
G7 summits now held in Butlins. Disputes are resolved through mini-golf and piña coladas. Australia’s Prime Minister is invited to all events as ‘the nice guy with snakes’.
7. Meanwhile, in Canberra…
Australia, naturally, watches this all unfold, praying it doesn’t have to explain it to New Zealand.
Still, the idea of a Trump-led Britain does have resonance Down Under. After all, who hasn’t wondered if installing a mad billionaire with a reality show past could improve hospital waiting times?
Plus, Trump’s appreciation for strong borders and weak climate policy might fit right in. ‘We love coal. We love walls. We love me!’ he’d say, shirtless, at Uluru.
Conclusion: Disaster or Destination TV?
Is Trump running the UK a good idea? Absolutely not. But is it better than the current lot of grey-faced technocrats pretending the current government still has legs? Possibly. And at least it’d be entertaining – like a Shakespearean farce performed in a bouncy castle during a thunderstorm.
So, raise a flat pint of lukewarm lager to the impossible. Trump may never rule the UK, but in 2025, the mere suggestion feels less insane than giving Jacob Rees-Mogg another job.
And honestly, with Sir Keir now calling Sadiq Khan ‘a good friend’ we might already be halfway there.
God save the Queen. Or King. Or Casino Manager.
