In an exciting breakthrough in academic hygiene, the University of Adelaide is to install ‘squat toilets’ in new buildings. This elegantly named contrivance is preferred by some of the people who are now culturally enriching our nation and for whom the traditional lavatory is ‘hostile’ as an emblem of settler colonialism, etc. As the university itself puts it, the squat toilets are needed to ‘take into account the demographic of building users’. Unfortunate incidents have been reported in which toilet-goers unfamiliar with the conventional facility have attempted to squat on the seat, damaging it and parts of themselves. Humpty Dumpty springs to mind, though he sat on a wall, not squatted.

In its zeal for lavatorial inclusiveness will the university also be installing bidets for those of more fastidious habit? Guess.

No one has said whether the new means of catering for the defecatory practices of students and staff in the, presumably new, demographic (the old demographic got by perfectly well without squat toilets) will be connected to the sewer or whether they will be reminiscent of the holes my father used to dig on camping holidays with a piece of board on two kerosene drums and the aroma of the phenyl he would pour in liberally in a vain attempt to dispel any noxious vapours.

That we need more imaginative ventures to make our new arrivals feel welcome is beyond doubt, and the University of Adelaide is to be congratulated on doing its bit to overcome what our Indian-born human rights commissioner Giridharan Sivaraman has identified as our national sin of racism (a sin so entrenched that it handed him a $400,000 job at the racist taxpayer’s expense). Giridharan is of the opinion that Australians ‘find it hard to talk about’ (i.e. admit to) racism, though clearly he has no trouble talking about it himself and harps on the subject at every opportunity. Would he consider it an instance of this racism if one were to suggest that, instead of inveighing against ‘white privilege’ here, Giridharan might turn his attention to the privilege of high-caste Indians compared with the plight of the Dalits, or ‘untouchables’, in his native country?

The diversification of the toilet has doubtless been inspired by the anxiety of the University of Adelaide, as an institution, to redeem itself for the outrage of having so many white students, institutions such as it, according to Gridharan, being ‘designed to privilege colonialism and “whiteness”’.

There are various additional ways in which the University could demonstrate its commitment to diversity. Boiled goat (halal, of course) as a staple in the university caf, to be eaten with one’s fingers and the bones thrown on the floor. There may even be a demand for sheep’s eyes. Pork products, naturally, should be strictly banned for fear of giving ‘offence’.  Ditto alcohol – don’t laugh, this dietary purge is already happening in at least one seat of learning (no pun) in England.

The dedication of our academic classes to accommodating multiculturalism, and sod the majority culture, has already made universities trailblazers in the fight against racism with their sterling efforts to ‘decolonise’ their teaching and throw out such reprehensible white ‘constructs’ as grammar, logic, truth and so on. Similarly, white pride in the development of Western culture turns out to be utterly misplaced. Credit must be given where credit is due – and not least to our plagiaristically named ‘first nations’. Aborigines, according to no less an authority than Penny Wong, were our first diplomats. They were also, depending on who you listen to, our first astronomers, musicians, philosophers, artists, farmers and scientists, and for all I know literary critics, brain surgeons, piano-tuners and film directors too (though I have never seen it claimed that they were our first wheelwrights). All this should be inculcated in every university and school curriculum. But why stop at the curriculum? Anglo culture is not much valued in these days of what philosopher Roger Scruton called oikophobia and there are several other benefits we could import to help destroy what’s left of its influence. On the campus a good start would be to impose silence on all those feminist lecturers in women’s studies and clothe them in the burqa. Next would be to expel female students. If any are suffered to stay, student health staff will need qualifications in FGM. A revival of suttee could be considered for professors’ widows. Members of campus ‘queer’ societies – Queers for Palestine, Queers for Sharia, Queers for the Ayatollah, etc. – could be escorted to the top of the University clock tower. Their fate should make many a (redacted to avoid prosecution for ‘hate speech’) student feel at home.

The next step for the university is to get rid of ‘grades’ (marks) which ‘privilege’ the students who do best. Not only that, but they smack of the caste system in Giridharan’s homeland, with the less bright despised and rejected when they apply for jobs.

Adelaide University is just the tip of the iceberg. How many public buildings in Australia are unprovided with squat toilets? What signal does this send out to people from the new demographic seeking a better life here? It is a national scandal and must be addressed at a national level. The federal government must appoint a minister or one of its excellent-value-for-money ‘roving ambassadors’ – to promote the conversion of the nation to squat toilets; and, as is being done with the vendetta against gas appliances, the replacement of racially tainted ‘Western’ conveniences. Only thus will we be truly able to welcome refugees. The days of what Barry Humphries, when in need of a place to ‘chunder’, called the ‘big white telephone’ are numbered.