Victoria is clearly experiencing some crime issues. Perhaps it is time to look abroad for inspiration, to another socialist utopia, Venezuela, for guidance on how to deal with law and order.
Caracas, the Venezuelan capital, proudly holds the honour of being one of the most dangerous capitals in the Americas. Is Melbourne the most dangerous capital in Australia? Well, unless Canberra suddenly takes a sinister turn with gangs of rogue public servants brandishing staplers, then yes, probably.
Under the inspired leadership of Hugo Chávez, kidnapping for ransom in Caracas reached such dizzying heights of popularity that even the police joined in, moonlighting as amateur abductors.
The government’s innovative solution? Freeze the bank accounts of victims’ families so they could not pay ransoms. Problem solved.
Except for the inconvenient side effects of death and disfigurement. But hey, progress requires sacrifice.
So, drawing from the Chávez playbook, Dear Leader Jacinta Allan could try a similar approach – outlaw the ownership of property so no one has anything worth stealing. If nobody ‘owns’ anything, then theft becomes impossible. Brilliant, really, like ending road accidents by outlawing cars (but keeping bicycles, naturally, to promote sustainability).
But wait. There’s more. Victoria could nationalise burglary. Anyone caught breaking into a home would be declared a ‘Public Acquisition Officer’, their loot redirected into the Ministry of Equity’s Fair Redistribution Warehouse.
Oh, hang on. Victoria already does this through its tax system.
But if all else fails, follow the North Korean model and simply declare that crime no longer exists. Release a quarterly government report with colourful charts demonstrating that lawlessness is at ‘historic lows’. Because nothing reassures the public like a bar graph.
Of course, none of this would actually make Victoria safer, but it would give the government plenty of ribbon-cutting ceremonies, press conferences, and glossy pamphlets. And in Victoria, is not that what really counts?
