The pop-up ad I get most frequently these days is David Beckham’s promotional video for the Islamic sandpit of Qatar, in which the smirking tattooed oaf enjoins us to discover such delights as buying some spices in a market and being short-changed in a local shop. Around him is the bling architecture of Doha, which looks like it was designed by his wife. The last scene is a semi-veiled hottie laughing coquettishly with the intellectually impaired former footballer, suggesting to the young men who will be visiting the medieval satrapy for the World Cup that its babes might well be inclined to put out and give you one (if you have bags of cash, designer stubble and ride a motorbike). I assume it was directed by a chap called Asif.

It is a pretty loathsome advert and reportedly netted Beckham – hitherto a minor but willing foot soldier in the army of Woke – a remarkable £150 million, his imprimatur supposedly sanctifying the country and enabling us to forget the thousands who died building its horrible stadia, and the general lack of democracy which pertains in the place. Of all the pop-up ads I receive, this is the one I would most like to go away, even more than those selling dentures or advising me to plan carefully for my death.

This hideous World Cup is almost upon us – we are only three weeks from the start. On Tuesday the indefatigable Peter Tatchell was detained by the Qatari fuzz in the capital for protesting about the lack of rights afforded to homosexuals (I assume Pete will be taking his protest to Gaza City next), but also about the many other infractions of human rights which you can find detailed by Amnesty International and various do-gooding charities.

Given that these days sporting organisations are terribly eager to show the world how progressive they are, you might think it a surprise that the tournament is going ahead at all. But this is football, where morality doesn’t get to play and isn’t even on the bench. In lieu of doing the decent thing and pulling out, the western democratic countries have made wonderfully hypocritical minor obeisances to the cause of human rights which simply reinforce the belief that all that stupid knee-bending was indeed just a case of sanctimonious top-down virtue signalling and essentially meaningless.

Take, for example, the ineffably liberal Danes. The kit manufacturer Hummel has just revealed the three designs for the Danish squad. In order to pay respects to human rights in Qatar, Hummel has stated that the shirts are ‘toned down’ – i.e. they are a bit darker than usual and shorn of all ornamentation. Well, that’ll do the trick.

A spokesarse for the firm said: ‘At Hummel, we believe that sport should bring people together. And when it doesn’t, we are eager to speak up and make a statement.’ It gets still more emetic: ‘We support… the Danish national team all the way. However, that isn’t the same as supporting Qatar as a host nation.’ Yes it is, and you know it is, Hummel. The firm has removed its name from the shirts, too, because it doesn’t want to be identified as a sponsor of the tournament. Then why make the shirts at all, you greedy Scando hypocrites?

In France, meanwhile, a mood is growing to ban public showings of the French team’s games on giant video screens. So far, Marseille, Reims, Lille, Bordeaux, Strasbourg and several others have signed up to this muted protest. As has Paris, despite the fact that the capital hosts the country’s most successful football team, Paris Saint-Germain, which is owned by Nasser Al-Khelaifi, a Qatari mogul who was instrumental in ensuring that the World Cup ended up in his godawful country.

And what of England, then? Don’t forget that the sententious equine manager, Gareth Southgate, has been determined to make inane genuflections towards progressivism – surely he cannot abide to have his team of impeccable young moralists play in such a venue? Yep, he doesn’t seem to give a monkey’s. But it would seem he is backing the idea that the team’s captain, Harry Kane, should wear a ‘One Love’ rainbow armband for the duration of the tournament. Again, that’ll show ’em.

In fact, England is even more morally compromised than any other team in the tournament, seeing as how its first game takes place on the second day and is against the homosexual-hugging, women-friendly democrats of Iran, trusted allies of the host nation. There have been plenty of demands that Iran be booted out of the competition, following the deaths of 200 protestors in Tehran (and beyond). Then there is the question of Iran bunging the Russians drones to use in its war against Ukraine.

The Ukrainian club Shakhtar Donetsk has demanded the removal of Iran (to be replaced, natch, by Ukraine), saying of those drones: ‘Each of them was produced, delivered by the Iranian authorities, Iranian instructors and the military directly trained and managed the launches of drones that destroyed homes, museums, universities, offices, sports grounds and playgrounds, and most importantly, killed Ukrainians.’ From Southgate, though, we have heard nothing at all. To their eternal credit, several of the Iranian players have made public protests about their government’s behaviour and at least one has had his passport confiscated as a consequence.

I suppose Southgate could urge his team to play its group stage matches without skill, verve, tactics and purpose and thus lose all three games and exit the competition at the earliest opportunity. In fact, given his abilities as a coach, I suspect that one way or another that is precisely what the England team will do. I hope someone somewhere would be kind enough to let me know if this happens, because I won’t be watching.