Flat White

Breathe easy: Perrottet records false positive for the Dan Andrews strain of governance

17 November 2021

11:30 AM

17 November 2021

11:30 AM

For a moment yesterday it seemed that the New South Wales Liberals had caught the deadly Chinese flu dictator variant from Victoria.

The government had already been feeling unwell, with Premier Dominic Perrottet failing to mask authoritarian symptoms by reneging on a promise to return freedoms on December 1. 

But yesterday Perrottet, whom it was feared had been a close contact of Daniel Andrews, appeared to have come down with a full-blown case of despotism.

This was a shock to many people who had assumed his Christian upbringing would give him natural immunity to the totalitarian virus.

An ICU (Intensive Catholic Unit) spokesman said it appeared the Premier may have missed a booster baptism – now being recommended by authorities – which had left him vulnerable.

Perrottet, who complained about having lost all sense of taste and smell and just all sense generally, tested positive for dictator when he agreed to extend the government’s emergency powers until March 2023.

It’s believed he caught the deadly idea from Health Minister Hapless Hazzard who had been coughing and spluttering all over cabinet about how democracy had given him “aches and pains and such a terrible headache”.

Contact tracers, working feverishly to find patient zero, suspected the dictator variant might have found its way into NSW through Chief Health Officer Kerry Chant.

A spokesman for the Centres for Dictator Control said Chant had a number of underlying conditions – such as being an unelected bureaucrat with supreme power over citizens’ lives – that made her particularly susceptible to the communist flu.

Worse, she had failed to socially distance from citizens, invading every area of their lives with lockdowns, travel restrictions and curfews.

“Both Chant and Hazard have been out and about in the community when they should have been isolated a long time ago,” the spokesman lamented. “It’s been a disaster.”

Meanwhile, the latest modelling released by the CDC revealed that the dictator variant was highly transmissible among the political class with 101% of MPs and public servants likely to be infected. 

Symptoms included chronic over-reach and feverish policing of citizens. The CDC warned that recovery rates were depressingly low.

“We tried zero-communism in Victoria and it has not worked,” they said “We will need to learn to live with the dictator strain.” 

But in a stunning turn of events late yesterday, it appeared a faulty NSW government cabinet meeting may have returned a false positive for dictator strain.

Premier Perrottet dramatically insisted he was feeling much kinder and promised to isolate his authoritarian tendencies over the summer to see if they subsided.

Citizens are nervously awaiting the results. 

You can order James Macpherson’s new book Notes from Woketopia at jamesmacpherson.com.au.

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