Flat White

What’s woke this week?

9 April 2021

3:52 PM

9 April 2021

3:52 PM

In the new woke order racism is everywhere. Systems of law hide ‘coded language’ and discrimination. Educational institutions deliver ‘unequal outcomes’ and don’t acknowledge ‘other ways of knowing’. Even language itself is full of ‘microaggressions’ towards ‘people of colour’. And if you dare to question its existence then your ‘white fragility’ is showing and you are merely confirming that you’re a racist. 

If you’re a Star Trek fan you’ll recognise the Borg-like tactics of these ‘anti-racist’ activists who use their collective hive mind to assimilate individuals into drone-like obedience to the cause. And since we all know that, as the Borgs say, “resistance is futile”, we’ve spelt out the best stories of racist behaviour from the past week so you can learn to recognise it. 

‘R’ is for Racist 

 There’s no particular example for ‘R’ this week. Remember, everything is racist. Duh! So we’ll skip to ‘A’. 

‘A’ is for anti-Asian violence 

The US has recently seen a spate of violent attacks against Asian Americans, chiefly in cities such as San Francisco and New York. Activists have been quick to blame the phenomenon on white supremacy and, you guessed it, Donald Trump. Remember the ‘China virus’?  

Rallies against this terrible surge of white supremacy have been organised around the country. The only problem is the inconvenient truth that a large percentage of the crimes have been committed by black men. A little inconsiderate of them, really. 

In a related story, two black teenage girls in Washington carjacked an Uber vehicle, tasered the driver, Mohammed  Anwar, drove off with him hanging out of the car and crashed and flipped the vehicle, killing him. In the shocking video of the incident, one of the girls appeared more upset about her missing phone than the fate of Anwar.  

You’ll be pleased to know that the girls have accepted a plea deal that means they will not be held past the age of 21 or placed in a prison facility. You can imagine white teenagers who murdered a Pakistani immigrant being afforded the same deal.  

Dang that white supremacy.    

‘C’ is for Captain Underpants 


While I think there are legitimate reasons for disliking Captain Underpants, racism wouldn’t be one of them. But what would I know? I’m not a Korean-American offended by the ‘racist imagery and stereotypical tropes’ found in the Captain Underpants spin-off, Ook and Gluk: Kung-Fu Cavemen From the Future. Or one of the statistically significant 289 people of his outraged ilk who signed his petition and list of demands. These people always have demands. 

Author Dav Pilkey and his publishers, Scholastic, predictably went full grovelling self-censorship, withdrawing the book from sale and asking school libraries to remove the book from circulation. 

“I hope that you, my readers, will forgive me, and learn from my mistake that even unintentional and passive stereotypes and racism is harmful to everyone,” said Pilkey. “I apologize, and I pledge to do better.”

Unintentional racism = racism by proxymoron. 

‘I’ is for IDs 

The US state of Georgia recently passed voting laws requiring, among other provisions, that voters present photo ID to prove their eligibility to vote.  Activists have labelled the move as ‘voter suppression’ and ‘tantamount to Jim Crow laws’. You’d think they were making only black people show ID. 

Despite the fact that recent polling shows that a majority of Americans (including black voters and those from other minorities) support the need for photo ID, media, celebrities and corporations have jumped on the anti-racist, virtue-signalling bandwagon. 

Major League Baseball moved its scheduled all-star game from Atlanta (which has a 52% black population) to Denver (which has a 10% black population) and where, incidentally, they have stricter voter ID requirements. Talk about striking a blow for diversity.  

Woke corporations like Delta Airlines, Patagonia and PayPal have issued statements against the laws, which is more than just a little ironic since Delta and PayPal have their very own ID requirements and the majority of Patagonia’s manufacturing plants are in China, that well-known bastion of democracy.  

‘S’ is for Swimming 

We have already educated you about the racist nature of activities like surfing and skiing but the latest addition to the ever-widening pool of exclusionary, white-supremacist sports is swimming.  

The Guardian this week touted a film about the cutely coined phenomenon  -ooh, you’re going to love this – Bl-aquaphobia (get it? Black-wa-phobia!).  And if you think that could possibly be like a white person’s fear of water, then filmmaker Ed Acura is here to expose the revolting racism of it all.  

Just what are the scandalous practices that white people have been perpetrating to keep all those ‘black, Asian and minority ethnic people’ locked out of the local pool and barred from the beaches? Here’s a sinister selection: 

The cultural barriers to swimming – from Afro hair to dry skin, to worrying about the myth that black people have heavier bones – are born of institutional and systemic inequalities that you see right across the aquatic industry, says Danielle Obe, founding member of the Black Swimming Association, a charity which launched last year to tackle the lack of diversity in swimming. 

Of course, it’s only white people who could possibly be responsible for Afro hair, dry skin and medical myths. 

‘T’ is for Trees 

In Portland, Oregon, earlier this year Woodrow Wilson High School renamed itself Ida B. Wells-Barnett High School in honour of the famous American journalist and civil rights activist. That part was easy. Finding a suitable replacement for their Trojan mascot has proved a tad more problematic.  

Students and staff submitted more than 400 possible replacements and the list was whittled down to five by a committee, with the frontrunner, an evergreen tree, expected to be confirmed at a March 30 meeting. Nothing controversial there; evergreen trees already adorn the state flag, seal and licence plates.  

No one counted on Portland State Schools’ black director, Michelle DePass, however, who entered the fray with her view that a tree could conjure up reminders of hanging people with ropes from branches. You know, lynching.  

Perhaps there is a history of lynching in Oregon that would be too painful for its residents to remember? Apparently not. There is one recorded case (which is obviously one too many) and the alleged rapist, Alonzo Tucker, was shot and killed by a mob and his body hung from a bridge, rather than your archetypal Christmas tree. 

I told you everything is racist. The list now even includes trees.  

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