Flat White

Confected outrage

29 June 2020

5:06 PM

29 June 2020

5:06 PM

Nestlé, why stop now? You are on a real roll trending and riding the tsunami wave of stupidity going on at the moment. 

Other confectionary manufacturers will be panicking and Googling how to find “a confectionary cultural diversity specialist” to make sure they are on point and not offending the easily offended with creations that have been around for years. 

So far Blinky Bill from the Worldwide Association of Koalas is remaining quiet, but I am sure the discontent of its members in being represented since 1966 as a brown chocolate caramel gooey filled thing must irk them. 

Fifty-four years of subjugation cannot be going down well with the koalas at all. 

Indeed, bears seemed to have got their union far more organised as the Caramello Koala was actually originally the Caramello Bear. 

They were sold in South Africa under the name Caramello Bear but were marketed with the Bear admitting, “Caramel? That’s a weakness!” and they were discontinued in 2012. 

Indeed, in 2003, Liberal MP Christopher Pyne labelled the then Australian Labor Party MP Mark Latham a “Caramello Koala” for allegedly being “soft in the centre”. Maybe there will be a historical defamation case lurking there one day? 

But back to the most important subject of the lollies (sweets for the English; candy for the Americans). 

Nestle are rebranding the Chicos and the Redskins because it thinks their names are controversial and out of step with Nestle values in 2020. 

Confectionary cultural diversity specialists are working overtime in a bid to quell the predicted uprising in the streets by the growing discontented masses. 

The irony will come out years down the track that all these discontented masses grew up having eaten at least eaten one such sugary treat in their lifetime. 

The confectionary companies are forgetting that when they appeal to minority groups by jumping on the bandwagon on an issue that really is not an issue until they make it one, they lose the support of the mainstream who have been their loyal supporters. 

As a confectionary cultural diversity specialist, I have drawn up the next hitlist of lollies to be axed. Litigation against the companies for various dental work needed after years of “Fantales”, “Minties”, and the now-discontinued “Cobbers” can wait. 

Anyway, back to the lolly hitlist.  

Spearmint Leaves: Five years after Nestlé discontinued them it was a win for people power ensuring they made a comeback earlier this year, but alas the “Association for the Protection of the Humble Leaf “ is now getting pressure from within that Spearmint Leaves is discriminatory as all leaves are represented as being green and while they are green, they don’t always feel green and need the power to express themselves and be accepted for whichever colour they are feeling in their packet at the time. 


Liquorice and Liquorice Bullets: pretty self-explanatory in terms of colour and connotation. An absolute minefield because if you enjoy eating them what on earth does it say about you as a person? 

Milk Bottles: same explanation as above because they are only ever white. 

Wagon Wheels: goodness me, the evoking of the wagons going across the American Mid-West, steer away from them too. 

Bounty: 1951 delicious chocolate bar but despite being a best-selling favourite the connotations of the 1789 Mutiny in the South Pacific by disaffected crew, it’s 2020 and times have changed. 

Killer Pythons: Other snakes from around the world say they are just as capable of killing as their python relative is and discrimination is rife against them as size shouldn’t matter. 

Snakes: Other reptiles are offended they do not have a lolly named after them.  

Polly Waffle: After making a magnificent return from 11 years in the wilderness, the Polly Waffle returned to Australian supermarket shelves as part of Coronavirus manufacturing projects to create new jobs during the pandemic. However, the name may need to be changed due to affecting the cultural diversity and sensitivity from politicians around the world when they speak. 

Freckles: Offensive to those of us who have freckles. 

The human sense of humour has completely disappeared. Not everything is maliciously named. If you look hard enough you can find and take offence at absolutely anything around.  

It is all becoming ridiculous. Will the term “black mark” and correction fluid “White Uut” even be allowed anymore? 

The curse has moved on from confectionary to re-configuring homes, or at least the language of homes.  

The Houston Association of Realtors has stopped using the word “master” to describe bedrooms or bathrooms because a group of real estate agents requested a review of the term. 

The phrase has now been updated to “primary bedroom” and “primary bath”. 

Will heavy metal band Black Sabbath comprising four white men from Birmingham now have to be renamed? And Australians might get into the act, demanding that the lead singer of the band stop misappropriating the “Ozzy” name!  

When companies change direction from what they do best and try to appear trendy by getting involved in social issues that they really don’t need to be involved in, they can end up paying a big price.  

Remember Gillette with that #MeTooToxic Masculinity ad? 

That was an $8 billion mistake which alienated so many of its loyal mainstream customers who decided they were not going to cop this political correctness anymore because it had nothing to do with shaving! 

For 30 years Gillette’s tagline had been “the best a man can get” and was replaced with “the best men can be” with loyal customers consigning their Gillette products into the rubbish bin and proving what most of us already know, “get woke, go broke”. 

The artists formerly known as the Dixie Chicks are the latest to jump on the woke bandwagon. The Texas-bred country music trio have changed their name to The Chicks. Dropping the “Dixie” due to the Black Lives Matter movement because Dixie is a way of referring to the old South with its connection to slavery and suppression of human rights. 

The name didn’t bother them back in 2003, when they expressed opposition to the war with Iraq and publicly claimed they were ashamed President George W Bush was from Texas. 

Overnight they went from superstars to being nobodies because their conservative country music fan base preferred to listen to music without having politics shoved down their throats. Their career vanished before their eyes despite an eventual public apology to the President.  

It was a case of The Chicks being woke before wokeness took hold, but not woke enough to lose Dixie – until now. With a new album due after 14 years in the wilderness, do I smell a cynical ploy to gain some publicity and perhaps find a new generation of fans to replace the one that left them long ago? 

Inspired by the Chicks (wait till the sisterhood slams that name), maybe it’s time for me to protect my own identity. Marrying into a Greek family, and having adopted the culture, I forbid all you foreigners from laughing next time you watch “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”. Maybe we should ban you from even watching it.  

Don’t even start me on mispronouncing my surname or calling the country Greece rather than Hellas.   

Ok?  

Not ok! That word is an abbreviation of the Greek term “ola kala” meaning all good. 

You will be hearing from my lawyers because I am offended. Perpetually offended.  

At the end of the day, we can all pull the cultural heritage card in the name of political correctness and sensitivities but really it all just smacks of stupidity. 

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