There is no doubt about the vigour and enthusiasm of the Morrison government in bringing about social reform. Only the other day it announced a major reform in providing relief for those on welfare and unemployment benefits, and others who are simply too lazy to work. The bare outline of the new scheme has now been revealed and, from what we have seen, it is full of promise and we therefore support it wholeheartedly. The essence of the scheme is, first, to abandon the notion of simply giving money away to the lower classes, who, of course, are notorious for wasting it on alcohol, drugs, gambling, buying the Age, taking taxis to climate change rallies and other pastimes that can only weaken their limited brains, with absolutely no prospect of them ever being used to produce any benefit for the individuals involved. That old-fashioned approach just perpetuates poverty because if you pay people for not working, they will obviously continue not working. But now comes this truly revolutionary reform that will change it all. Under the new scheme, it is not as if the layabouts concerned will get no handouts at all from the government; you can’t pin that on the Morrison government. They will continue to receive their handouts (the layabouts, I mean, not the government) and will not be required to do anything remotely like work in return for this largesse. Rather, it will be given to them by means of cashless debit cards. These will be geared so that they cannot be used for alcohol, drugs, gambling, buying the Age or taking taxis to climate change rallies, but may only be spent on good, wholesome purposes like buying food and children’s clothes, looking for work, and, one hopes, buying The Spectator Australia.

I am not sure how the authorities will keep the degree of control over the use of the debit cards that they would like. For instance, I have a card which was hacked into last year. Whoever hacked it had no difficulty in spending several thousand dollars on visits to the Cinnamon Fingers Asian Massage Parlour, Mekong Lash and Brow, Go-Boy Video Games and similar establishments that seem to form the backbone of the Australian economy these days. If they can do that with one debit card, how will the authorities stop the layabouts, who are notoriously inventive and devious, from using their own cards to buy alcohol and other evils?

But I am not going to cavil at minutiae like that; at least the government is trying, and it deserves full credit for this new scheme, which is why we support it. What has not yet been revealed, however, and which could be an even more momentous reform than the one we have just outlined, is a secret protocol to extend the scheme that has now been under active consideration in the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet for several months. It was not released when the debit card proposal itself was announced, but we understand it is still under active consideration and has in no sense been abandoned. There was a momentary setback when a draft of the secret protocol was put in a locked filing cabinet, the keys of which were then thrown away and the filing cabinet was sent off to an auction house in Fyshwick. But with that exception, it is still on track.

Briefly, the extended proposal is that all MPs, senators and public officials will be issued with debit cards which, like the cards distributed to the poor, may be used only for strictly defined and socially worthwhile purposes and will not function if the holder attempts to use them for any prohibited activities which are against the public interest. To take one example, the cards will not work if the holder is advocating any form of socialism or other deviant behaviour, such as the government underwriting 15 per cent of the value of a home loan. MPs or senators advocating that the government use a ‘big stick’ to break up energy companies will likewise find that their debit cards will stop automatically at their first public statement in support of such a ludicrous proposal. Moreover, the new scheme will introduce major changes in the attitude that MPs, senators and public servants will be expected to take to the nature of government itself; thus, if they are not taking active steps to repeal at least ten current regulations for every new regulation they introduce, the card will cease to function until the holder recalibrates to the prescribed ratio. There will also be a ban on using the words ‘vision’, ‘reform’, ‘initiative’ and ‘progress’, as they are all delusions that lull the public into the false belief that government can achieve any of those lofty objectives. Advocating or voting for any increase in the government debt ceiling, the deficit or, indeed, any increase in public expenditure will also lead to the immediate cancellation of the debit card concerned. Speaking in favour of same sex marriage, gender fluidity, ‘safe school’ programs, encouraging girls to be boys and vice versa will naturally disarm the card and, in the case of transgendering, twice — once going and a second time coming back. So, also, will establishing any new government department, statutory body, board, committee or royal commission. Advocating for a Voice to the parliament where only candidates of a certain race may vote or stand for election will immediately disarm the card, as will reciting heathen incantations about country, emerging elders or smoking ceremonies, flying a flag other than the Australian one and advocating a republic. Judges who discover implied terms in the constitution and MPs and senators who call for any change to that document will have their cards cancelled for six months, and for 12 months if they call it a ‘reform.’ We therefore congratulate the government on these measures and urge their early implementation.