Bonjour, mes chers amis australiens! It has fallen to me, Monsieur Lia Baste, the elected Maire of Lunas (after the distribution of preferences) to report to you on some of the most significant results of the sale of the old Chateau La Forge to our new local celebrities from Australia, Mlle Brittany Higgins and her particular friend M. David Sharaz.

When the news leaked out that the chateau had been sold, it was greeted with unbridled joie de vivre. Since the old Duke died, we had seen this prime example of the old French school of architecture fade away before our very eyes, its ancient stonework disintegrating, its gardens run wild and infested with weeds, its renowned gargoyles and spires falling apart, birds despoiling every nook and cranny and its once splendid interiors fading and dishevelled.

But now, La Forge has been saved from obliteration by the happy couple from Australia, and Lunas has been put back on the map, to the everlasting glory of France.

And let me make one thing clear on behalf of the entire municipalité: we unequivocally dissociate ourselves from the unfortunate observation made by one of our ratepayers and repeated in the Australian newspapers, that La Forge had been bought by a ‘nice couple from Australia, the ones in their 40s’. I can tell you that far from being in their 40s, Brittany and David are a vibrant young couple whose vitality has had an amazing effect on our village.

Indeed, there is a refreshing new spirit in the community that the young couple have actually honoured us by settling in Lunas. With their renown and wealth, they could have moved to California with Harry and Meghan and spent their time giving interviews with Oprah, making podcasts and doing deals for their autobiographies. But no, they chose the rural bliss of Lunas. And the list of their achievements is already spectacular.

First, there is the local economy. The problem facing Lunas over the last hundred years has been the complete lack of employment. We tried all of the momentous economic reforms that have worked so well in Europe:  tariffs, red tape, green tape, banning herds of more than two hens and a rooster, mountains of debt, lakes of wine, handouts for most of Africa and supplying the drug trade in the UK. However, in Lunas nothing seems to have worked.

But the news has now spread that in Australia a new source of economic activity has emerged: suing the government for what your former prime minister M. Morrison described as ‘the terrible things that were done to you’, and everyone has had dreadful things done to them, so everyone can sue. For this, damages can be awarded for loss of earning capacity, past, present and (newly) emerging and of course a lot more for wounded feelings.

All in all, it can add up to $3 million in your currency or, in real money, millions of euros. The result: our maidens can earn a good living by making claims on the government for things that were done to them and settling at mediation. And it helps if one side of the argument is prevented from turning up at the mediation and saying that this is, how you say, ‘a bit rich’. In any event, our young women are lining up outside our town hall with their beaux in autumn tonings, crying: ‘Me too! I want some money!’ And in the spirit of liberté, égalité et fraternité, which pervades our national soul, our young men are also claiming for terrible things that were not done to them.

The same impetus has been given to education. Our local école has had a new lease of life since it introduced its new course on How to Get Money Out of the Government. My cousin, the village idiot, has taken that onerous course and has already been paid a million euros for not producing a crop of Côtes du Rhône (appellation contrôlée), showing that he is not such an idiot after all.

Then there is the effect that our young celebrities have had on the fashion industry. When they left Australia, (a country still wallowing in the shame of cancelling a solemn contract to buy French submarines), the young couple were dressed in matching outfits of suffragette white. On arrival in France, they emerged from the customs hall in sombre black to reflect the solemnity of their arrival. This fashion statement then segued into twin costumes of autumn tonings, reflected even in the coats of their much-loved dog and cat, who have also taken up residence at La Forge. They say that Lunas could become the new fashion capital of the world.

Moreover, as we know how attracted the young are to the life of the demi-monde, it is wonderful that there is a move afoot to open several bars and night clubs in Lunas to cater for government advisers and press secretaries from Paris. In Lunas, these devoted public servants will be able to seek refuge from their onerous workaday life in Paris and spend time drinking until 3am while they discuss monetary policy, climate change and human rights for refugees.

The real estate industry has also been revived. I can safely say that when any two residents of Lunas gather at the local boulangerie, the conversation quickly turns to how much their old stables and bijou workers’ cottages might fetch on the  market, especially with running water.

And it is scarcely surprising that our tourist industry has sprung into life. Busloads of tourists have descended on Lunas hoping to catch a glimpse of our celebrities mucking out the stables, trampling grapes and hunting for truffles.

There is even talk of a series of TV interviews with local eccentrics on the old arts and crafts of the region and what really happened when the old Duke tried to revive the ancient droit du seigneur.

I am therefore happy to report: Lunas is back on the map. And all due to mes chers Australiens.